re-alignment

There has been or in process a major re-alignment in many things. Most of it could be attributed to the CCFILS people. Much injustice has occurred and it is my prayer that The Maker will vindicate. Yet even as i say this, i am humbled in my own circumstance.

These down and outs really did not choose to be such, to be ostracized, rejected, looked-down and trodden on (just to name a few).  In these and even my own circumstance, i pray that the story of Jepthah, Leah, Gideon, Jabez would be re-enacted once again. Those whom are seemingly at the tail, will be raised to the head and looked up upon by many.

***

Re-alignment again not to look at things for my gain, but as a greater good. This applies to everything inclusive of High Warlord - everything

hipocrasy

is one bold enough to say that each person has their own insecurities, one aspect or another. Each time anyone shows these insecurities, i do my best to reassure them that it is due to their warped perspective where these insecurities arise - yet at the same time, i can't even bear to love myself.

Safely, all could be satiated with the line "One time or another, there was a person that enjoyed your company and fell in love with you" hence there is living proof, evidence that they are indeed desire-able.

But a battered frigate, missing engine parts? Hah, rather drift in deep space than rely on it. Yet i do what i must with the end in mind to be an encouragement, even at the cost of (sometimes) self-worth

red head step child

'Tis always times like that when thoughts go into overdrive, thinking and analyzing many observations. Just Sunday saw Jeffry in passing on the way to Tongkah. Wasn't a mystery to see that even he has met a partner. The thing about this is that many of such bump-ins depict that these partners as opposed to the proverbial Plain-Jane-but-God-fearing-girl, they are indeed out of this world.

Doesn't matter whether it is Derek, Jeffry or even Victor; Warren - everyone!

Yet time and time again (perhaps out of desperation and deprivation) we come to the junction of:
Less looks more heart which is ultimately the most important, one does not disagree ... but just sometimes ... sometimes in the name of Justice? one continues to wish, and as always, proceed to be dashed/disappointed/rejected and despondent - again.

saturday

Coming Saturday, will have to chaperone some Calvaryland children for the sports event. Can't help but think that it is Madre's move in support of "Additional Effort" motion. Wanted to get crash also just to show face but i do admit perhaps The Maker has a hand in this.

Come night time, will also attemp to attend the DUMC event.

At least for my part, i will do the best i can in all aspects - to the best of my ability

recurring

no doubt there has been long periods of silence. The reason is simple, nothing has been happening. The sense of despondent and discouragement are always present. Each reminder is the same blow to the wounded heart. Doesn't leave any room or time to recover. Not like it is done on purpose, it is involuntary.

Admittingly, there has to be more change required for plausible outcome. Apparently what has transpired is not enough. Much talk with Madre has gone on, and that's the conclusion. Madre mentioned SY, and truth be told, off late throughts or should i say Overdrive  has on more than one occassion gone that direction too.

One cannot say for sure that it's something of the future. All the other past ones, Overdrive had also vehemently fired in that direction. In self preservation, best to just dismiss everything. The shards of broken dreams and desires still fall, still break and still cause bleeding, No point to cause more shatter. That's just logical move now isn't it?

shattered

Today marks High Warlord's best friend birthday. Not that it was anything but it is yet another milestone of shattered dreams and hopes. There were many ideas and proposals for lack of better word, to reach out and build rapport ...

But alas non of them came to pass (again)

All that happened was basically more shattering, adding to the already enormous pile of brokeness. More wounds , not as war badges - just plain wounds of "could have been"

taste like chicken

what is it like to have someone cling on to your arm whilst walking together?
what is it like to have someone accept you for who you are?
what is it like when someone says "you're not so bad after all. i like your company"?
what is it like to have someone that willingly is intimate with you?
what is it like to have someone laugh at your funnies, genuinely amused?

does it taste like chicken?

i wouldn't know


bits and pieces here and there - at times they may be a teaser, but more often an enforcement of deprivation.
Difficult to maintain positive outlook in such times.

not left, not right

i find myself hardly writing off late but for reasons unknown. i know that i ought not write or dwell on negative aspects, basically the have-nots, the rejections, the failures and the list goes on. Factual as they maybe, not only unhealthy as it may be but it doesn't please The Maker. It goes back to being a caged animal. Left-No, Right-No.

To have hope is the right thing, but to have the hope materialize into my way is bad
To not have hope, is bad
To despair is bad
To have joy is good, but not joy and happiness in what He can do or could do, but in Him himself.
and i thought calculus was difficult enough.

Again i make the decision, trying to do what is right, trying to say what is right and most difficult, trying to think what is right despite what has transpired.

Received a compliment on hairstyle, maybe - just maybe i am not as fugly as i perceived myself to be. In all things, thank The Maker for these small crumbs of assurance. They are valuable in their own way, tiny yes - but means the world - literally.