reunion

family reunion were never really enjoyable. Maybe there were years ago but as time goes by, it is a constant reminder of my failure. It is a constant reminder of the joy and happiness denied to Matriach and Patriach - due to my inadequacies.

reunion ...

in search of a song

Taken from mkb's writing:

" The way she is reflected in his eyes, the way they look at each other and begin to smile. The way one looks at the other when the other is looking away, and like the force of the gaze is enough to penetrate the skin, it pulls the other back, and eyes meet, and a smile plays on the corner of their lips like the faint first notes of an orchestra.

Without love we are singers in search of a song."Indeed I often feel as described - a singer without a song. There is just a feeling of incompleteness. At the same time everyone will say that The Maker is always sufficient, which is true - but there is a level of intimacy that can only be expressed toward a partner - that is different than toward a God.

"singer without a song" maybe in this case it would be an instrument without a song - since I can't sing for jack diddly.

To the best of my knowledge, I would say I am prepared. There definitely are kinks to be ironed out and refined - doesn't everyone else have those? Yet for the most part, the important elements are ready. Now all that is left is to find a song to play to. One moment renewed hope comes into play and there is a confidence that eventually there will be a song.

The very next day, the same renewed hope can just disappear as quickly as it appeared. Day in and day out are constant reminders - constant real life, cold hard evidence of the reality of things.

The crushing blows is that each time certain individual appears, there are even more cold hard facts that are unfavourable - whether it is the difference of faith or age gap or what nots.

The entire thing just feels like a reality TV show where events are always orchestrated to create drama, suspense, and others just to keep the audience watching - at the expense of the actor.

Definitely today the longing is greater than usual, especially with the aforementioned quotes and even Lewis' quotes, yet even as there is that acknowledgement, we can't succumb under fire.
Got to press on, somehow - just got to hold on from the onslaught.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

- C S Lewis

just one

i stand here today not looking at my unmet desires, not looking at my own suffering but looking beyond myself.

Matriach is aging and many - too many telltale signs have and are rearing it's ugly head.

Before she is taken back to You, The Maker, is one request too much to pertition? 

"Allow her to see, nuture and hold izzy before You take her home"

allow me this one redemption, to give back to her, just one ... please

tribute

CS Lim. You've showed me kindness, when no one else did. Be it that the gesture was tiny, and even so the amount was small - it was enough to leave a deep footprint.
Rest well in The Maker's embrace. Someday we will meet again - without the curse of sin.

exceedingly, abundantly

although we may not speak anymore, i read with joy that mkb has really, truly moved on since her cataclysm. What more, it was a delight to know that she obtained a job, and on top of that fits her schedule and needs perfectly. In addition to that it encourages her to attend church and allows her to carry out her favourite past time.

Truly; truly it is exceedingly and abundantly more than she could ever imagine. It is indeed such delight to read that after such an excruciating and traumatic event, she clawed up and carried on. So devastating the effect of her heartbreak that it resonated and well, somewhat affected third parties such as myself. Acceptance; it will be something i have to accept mostly due to my insolence and insensitivity.

Looking over the fence again sparked renewed hope. No longer are we Chandala – yet again it is déjà vu. We always look and see at others. Maybe, just maybe things are at a standstill because of self-imposed limitations. We’re going to do something this evening seeing that it is Friday. We are going to surrender the curses.

No more kuetkatsu

No more “Songsang”
No more.

without sounding selfish, but claiming promises; “The blessings of The Maker, breaks all curses”

This is what we are going to do tonight – Being free, truly free from the haunting nightmares.

matriach

nights like this are always good as it is spent with matriach. The presence of these age old yet unexplainable capital ships just bring about renewed hope & wisdom.
In not so many words, though said numerous times, trust and faith

Medical Frigate, all systems normal.  Heading out

the prayer

It needs to be written down here as a milestone, if anything were to happen with hwl, it is because Sister Petrina stood in the gap one Friday, 14th Jan 2010.

no words

there are not enough words to express what has happened over the past 2 days. Friday and Saturday itself, two days could almost make all those months of tears and ache seem like nothing.
Pleasant surprises indeed, not one but several. Yet one wonders whether my tokens are used up in exchange. Do i again have to sit through more of those to exchange for similar events, but now on a longer time line?

Pretty much back at square one again. A lot of hope, too much emotions - hefty amount of skepticism and cynicism, yet trying very hard to hope. Realism digs it's claws in here too and again too many reasons work against rather than for. Is history going to repeat itself again? Should i expect another 6 more months of reprise again to end in more heart breaks? i pray and hope not. At this rate it is going to be an annual thing.

But i guess looking too far into the unknown future is bad. It develops worries and concerns that  aren't practical. If i were to let worry and what-ifs take control, i wouldn't have even spoken to her on Friday.

This is Med Frigate reporting, for once - in a long long time since the last, all systems green

a christmas prayer

Captain?
Yes Madeline?
He's here?
Who?
The Maker

********************************

There are no words to describe what has happened for today alone. Just one day alone. Amidst the handful of favorable outcomes, one outshines them all - the christmas prayer. It came late, no denying it, but in the end it arrived. One can only look back and see, perhaps the timing (now) is indeed better than back then

More than first contact - now rapport has been established with her! hwl What more - she agreed to the proposal for the short.
So many thoughts got triggered because of it, could it be because Sister prayed for a partner during altar call?
or could it really be Legend?

Whatever it is, in order not to hurt oneself again, this has to be taken slowly and without expectations - again

I only stand here baffled, shell-shocked only being able to mutter:

Thank you for the increament
Thank you for the conversation with mw
and most of all, thank you for the Christmas Prayer

the porcelain bird

Captain.Yes Madeline
She's hereWho?
Missle Cruiser darkstarWhat's she doing here?
Bombarding Walkbout's escorts

***************************************

Hindsight is always 20/20 vision -pneoxian. Yet the problem is reaching the point where one can see the hindsight. Both knight and porcelain bird analogies are indeed apt, but one has to wonder whether they apply?

i do not have the same conviction as he does, but i suppose this is where trust will come in.
some day. some day one can only hope with 20/20 vision all these will be worth it

hope ... dare i?

operation wesley

the one saving knowledge of semblance of good thing that happened, is that Operation Wesley went very well. Good on chels and za, both did well and for that one can be proud. Our work is done for now, back to the standard onslaught.

We've just only been repaired up, and now heavily damaged again but this time - this time it was all self-inflicted due to your own stupidity.

no shit sherlock

Seen on youtube comment for Chris Brown's With You


"xxx number of people do not have that special someone to spend time with"


no fucking shit sherlock

no surpises:monologue

No fucking surprises isn't it? One golden chance, blew it all to hell.
Where did i go wrong?
You're wrong. Keep hoping - it only gets dashed and now suffer the consequences of it. You have no one else to blame

mix

Oh ... my friggin head
Welcome back captain
What did i miss?
We were nearly obliterated by the blast
How bad was the damage, the ship still looks alright to me
It was a 10 day repair
Repair? ... by whom?
Time
Oh ... them again. How long was I out for?
10 days
Sheesh, what's our current status?
En route to ktt, our new project

**********************************************

on mix feelings and mixed events. Without any warning nor foreknowledge, first contact with hwl was established, all thanks to pneoxian. It was Calvaryland project initially but somehow, an idea sprung up and first contact was made.

The stages are still very very very early - way too early to say anything at this point of time. One can only hope again - hope that things just flow and go well.

Zero One - Zero Two

***** Zero One what's your status
Just about finishin up here
Took us long enough to fix her up this time eh
Time's always on our hands
We are time
Ha-Ha yeah that never gets old
You know, this time round was as bad as the previous round
You don't say! Shorter period but the extent of the damage
*whistle* I really thought it was gonna be FUBAR this time
Poor sod, forever under fire from that behemoth and her escorts. How does one escape ... is it even possible
Your guess is as good as mine
We .. uh better wrap up for good and leave, she's bearing in again for another volley
Yeah, don't wanna be caught in between this whole escapade


Hey do you think she'll ever escape that?
Hell if i know!
It's not fair - you know what i'm saying? The hell are you supposed to do against that?
...
That's what i thought too
Are ya done?
Yea I am
Let's GTFO