between hope and delusion

Whether it is a sequence of songs on a playlist that could represent events happening (in the future) or others, often - daily in fact one can ponder whether it is reading too much into these menial things or perhaps in some unique was it is a sign; a form of encouragement.

Can't lean too much into hope neither can one lean too far into reality. Where exactly is the middle line that I am supposed to be? Despite that the why and when remains and will probably always be unanswered. Without clear cut answers, as more thoughts are poured into the matter speculation arises. Hideous? Unworthy? Fate? Imperfection? As far as they sound they could also be reasons or in this case theories. Theories because of the lack of evidence and facts.

When everything is pointing left, is the sole entity which is pointing right delusional or one that has tremendous faith?

There isn't a day that goes by that I wish You'd just give some sort of hint or sign for the many uncertainties, whether yes or no, whether soon or 20 years time, this or that.

It's been a long road. A long road of closed doors. A road without sign or a hint of direction to an open door. We're not even sure there is an open door- quite possibly it'll be endless corridors with more closed doors eh?
And honestly, with the passing of each corridor, and the slamming of another door it gets really, really, extremely difficult to gather up faith anymore - or what is left of it. It just is neigh impossible.

between a rock and a hard place

Much has transpired since, not so much so things that happened perse but much information searching revealed a lot. Some news slightly frightening frankly. The question of age remains, and has brought up an interesting yet valid and at the same time perhaps demoralizing point - that mental maturity will affect a relationship by a lot. Suffice to say ach individual differs but as much as each of us would like to think or belive that our own case is the unique one ... But ... Reality can hurt (as it does most of the time)

Right now, still undecided, more so clueless as to what to do. Continue or not? Then there is the age old question, 1-sided or not. Perhaps it would be wisest to just wait for that answer. Anymore would most certainly be setting up for own misery. Does that mean we would have gone an entire loop exactly what happened last year?

FADC into Ultra? Why would you even believe in such a notion to begin with. Certainly things that aren't there, when a desire is so great results in delusions

Job 3:11-26

Job 3:11-26

crumple

More weddings, more photos, more news about others' family addition. As if each blow is a crumpling one. Where others have gone on toward greater heights and greater distance we're still moored, docked - with absolutely no clearance to take off.

Clearly it is not meant for one such as I. History repeats. So sure we were that this time it would have marked the end to this desert - just like last year. That time so sure we were, too sure. And so it is with this cycle which shall repeat ad infinitum. Same circumstance, just different year.

There is not a day that I pray to Father to take me home. I've lived the best I could, aided the most I could, and invested as much as I have. There is no regrets when it comes to family and friends. My only regret is that there was no Legend. But what isn't meant to be, shall not come to pass therefore back home I am ready to go, to a place no longer shall I be plagued with brokeness and heartache daily, a place where finally one can rest.

statement

"my hideous form has not known a women's touch"
It may appear funny but all reality when it hits home, it cuts to the core. Call it FAG (forever alone guy) or whatever meme have you, they all apply - too well.
Not that one hasn't done anything bout it, but in everything yet there is no fruit. The barreness spills over. It permeates everything.

taking the hint

I get it now. It is the reprise of last year. Never gonna happen, never had a chance. Whatever signs or inclinations, all of it was fabrication. One will believe what one wants to. The sheer idea of basing it of executed moves itself and random names - sheer foolishness.

Now prepare to be the laughing stock of the entire city again - signs ... as if ...

Take the hint. The age, the responsibility, the gap, the response.

storm

Received word that there will be downsizing taking place. There will be at least one, possible two from the department amongst others. For some reason, there is an inclination that I'll be one of the named. They say when it rains, it rains.

There is a sense of calmness despite the possible outcome. Perhaps due to the constant condition of hear brokenness it has lead up to a certain level of numbness - at least that is what I'd like to believe.

pivotal point

There are always two possible routes or endings to a situation. As the days go by the more i learn about cat, the more it leans toward the same history. One has to wonder, how does one maintain a positive outlook in the given situation? History has shown otherwise. High warlord is gone. Would history really repeat itself?

The basis here is basically: are these things a gentle telltale sign to the status quo or that these things are building toward a miracle end? The preferred outcome is indeed obvious.

justice

Many times I am inclined to think or believe there is no justice. How is it that a particular person (just for this example) whom is very well labeled a sleaze bag can meet and befriend so many women. Accuse me of being hubris, but the label was not coined by myself.

Such people are accepted yet in reality they don't particular,clearly like him. On the flip side, we look at the current situation - same old nonsense just different day.
He is constantly in the company of very pleasant people, famous ones even.

... And look at this. Certainly there is no justice.

name

Been seeing an increase in Izzy's name. Either something is brewing or I'm seeing things that are not there. The sad thing is that, give a few weeks or months the sad truth will be revealed

what if

what if, her mom gets wind of the Calvaryland video and commissions to create and advertising one for KL ACTS. During the creation of the video dare one hopes that finally ... we can ... fly? to actually take off?

limbo

As with what happened last year, I find myself in the same limbo and for the same reasons. One wonders can it ever be a different 'type' of limbo - rather than forever wonder about an adored one. Year in year out, same cycle, same issue. How can you expect anyone not to to feel discouraged and dissuaded at all. Repeatedly hit an animal and see if it ever approaches humans after years of abuse.