three

So three signs. Two that can fall under the self-created category and one more entirely random. One does have to wonder whether is one falsely believing in all this? Wanting something so badly to the point of willing to believe anything ... anything at all.

i'd like to believe

It's too easy to assume the answer to the question is no, given that it wasn't a yes. "Holiday for a week" definitely isn't no - more of a delayed response. But one must ask, delayed answer to ... to what ends?
It's that time again when emotions run high, sadly most which are in the negative tone.


I'd like to believe that You didn't bring me thus far to let me drop off
I'd like to believe that for my part I did not misinterpret things
I'd like to believe that all the interactions that You have allowed to happen with her family, points to one conclusion
I'd like to believe that, finally this desolated wasteland will see rainfall and life - after nearly two decades of barrenness.

I would so very much want - wish to believe such, because each day that passes the anguish from the unmet desire grows, and how darkstar puts it: Crushing loneliness increases.

pinnacle

Things have been steadily climbing. One must confess that the way it has been unfolding is definitely a pleasant surprise from what I'd like to say new friendship bonds, strengthening of existing ones and even to the whole stage fiasco.

We now stand at the pinnacle of things. I'd like very much to believe that The Maker did not allow things to unfold this way building up to a crescendo and then allow it to crash and burn - but yet those are my thoughts.

Soon that one question will be asked and the answer ... will be made known.

One can only hope and pray that this pace and direction will maintain (meaning continuously build up)

signal

Off late since that fateful event, things have never ceased to amaze. One can only loop Lincoln Brewster's Amazed and just give thanks. No doubt the trip was excellent, meeting more than a handful of new people too was great, yet nothing comes close to events that surround Cat. Stil very much shell shocked at it all.

One must confess that there is indeed heightened fear too, fear resulting from the uncertainty of reaction toward age perhaps, and a few others. In my defence, The Maker has protected me from many others even at or always at the cost of rejection and unrequited affection. Would He only now lead on and to cut it off abruptly? Surely that is not His nature.

At any rate things should be taken slowly but steadily. There is still no 'official' anything save just pleasant and wonderful gestures.

Our frigate has picked up very very faint signals of possible Legend. Not enough information to decipher. We just have to wait and see how things unfold.

It is my greatest hope and desire at this point of time that things will continue to unfold the way they have been going.

I still stand in awe and amazed at The Maker.

mass effect

To not write about this would be a mockery. Everything happened literally in one day. Before, there was much disappointment and dejection. Not blaming anyone but due to personal delay, the consequences were evident. Yet, The Maker in mercy and grace provided not only a way to the camp, but went above and beyond even sponsorship. In the past 'twas us that did the sponsorship! This is totally alien.

No doubt it is a pleasant surprise - still very much shell shocked. One gesture alone, opened up numerous possibilities and avenues. No doubt part of the reason was -her-, yet at the same time it should be a platform to forge new friendships. As much as I adore her, can't be a leech and hang on indefinitely to the point of stifilement.

Those aside, I stand humbled of the low points of disbelief, lack of hope and faith and event extreme disappointment. The saving grace is that He is not shocked nor surprised. After all we were made of dust, marred and tarnished. As cop out as it may sound, we are only human.

Words cannot express the gratitude in this gesture. The one statement that can be made is the prayer to remain faithful both present and future.

burmecia

I wanted to bad never to lapse into Burmecia again, but how does one do it will all these? T'was always the hope of turn around, breakthroughs ... but they never came - they won't come.
So we're back again at the start, the land of eternal rain; Burmecia

no more

Previously it was a surprise to find that the human body actually contain such high amount of tears. That was a little over a year ago. Now, there are no more tears to weep. So great are the disappointments, sorrow and despair that there are no more taers.

"Who are you kidding anyway? ... For who could ever love a beast"

This was supsposed to be a year of 'increase'. Your servant prophesized it and two other pastors confirmed it but look now: I am at a place where my job has been taken away. With it along goes numerous dreams. How does one even be a provider without a source of income? The concern about 'providing enough' now replaced with 'provider' itself.

The 'other' part of the desolace remains. Honestly I did hipe for some form of addition there, least it would be comforting in these times, but no ...
It is always the same old story, same old unrequitedness, same old heartaches. Stand and watch (as it always has been) others find their happiness and seal them with a vow. Me? Doomed to wander the deserts of loneliness and unrequitedness until the day I can wander no more.