overdrive:revisted

Overdrive: "That's What I see" lyrics - Zara vouchers

Why do you keep doing this?
Overdrive
Yet you only hurt no one but yourself.

forgotten

it's difficult not to keep returning to the same thoughts and perhaps fears - the fear of being forgotten. 4 years ago after the Excite workshop things were alright. Now? Forgotten. At most you'll get a civil greeting - at most. In all the years, the same occurrence has happened. Time and time again, without fail. Should it be any different now? Probably not.

Should we therefore expect? Better not to expect - again out of self-preservation. Brace for the fact that years from now, you won't be remembered and you will stand at the side and watch all of them progress upward. Some might maintain the friendship tie, just out of courtesy. Others might delete after some months (just like what has happened before and would happen)

Yet despite of all this, everything was done not for yourself was it not? Nay, you invest - you move on. Expect nothing, receive nothing, endure minimal hurt.

Indeed Madre was right, with a big heart comes the consequence of being hurt easily - too easily

But who will want such a responsibility or such levels of courtesy? "Here.am.i.send.me"

engine SE-C

Madeline, run a scan of our engines
Scans complete, we are missing or have been missing a key part
SE-C?
Yes captian
Is there anyway we can retrieve this or fix this?
There are only two ways captain
And what are they pray do tell
The first method would be for the external hull to be fully repaired before the SE-C can be outfitted back in
That would take massive amount of time wouldn't it - seeing as how we're constantly under fire
Correct
And the other method?
Legend
Thank you Madeline
What is our due course captain now that project Let's Rock is complete
Back to normal patrol Madeline. Passive and active sensors, standard quadrant. Nothing's change
Affirmative captain

monologue:za

(10:04:17 PM) :: it wont be long


You don't believe anymore?
i don't know what to believe
Where is your faith?
There is a fine line between faith and expectation
Are you not thought to expect? - sometimes?
Look where expectation has lead up to thus far
Fair enough
Do you blame me?
Not entirely
Yet it is a catch 22. Not enough faith for something to come to pass, yet having too much faith to the point of unrealistic expectations ...
So ...?
So it is better to remain at status quo. Expect little or expect nothing
Why?
Because it results in much much lesser hurt
Is that what you really want?
It's not what i want. i don't want to hurt anymore
No sane person does
Hence should i be an exception?

production & after

and so it ends. Production day came and went. Went very well indeed. Most of it will be due to Grace before Perfection. With the note of production, so will it signify the end of communication with most of them. Managed to stay in touch with a minor handful, but for how long - we will have to wait and see.

Strange occurrences, mw messages, "Where've you been?"

monologue:status quo

production day is around the corner. It's been rather busy and pack week(s). At this point of time i suppose it could be a good thing. It doesn't give much time to brood. Thoughts do come back off and on, but only when the music fades and all is stripped away.

With production day, comes the realization of completed work with the kids. It started slow and now has built up extremely well. i did not envision at all that it would be at this level. As they say, "Enjoy it while it lasts" and "All good things come to and end". We're approaching end of the year - many ends are just beyond the horizon.

-----------------------------------------------

The net of it is, time, effort and even resources invested in their lives will perhaps someday bear fruit. It's not about whether they remember you now is it?
No
It never was, and never will.
True
It brings us to Christmas and New Year. Status quo?
Yes, status quo
Are you expecting anything?
I don't want to be hurt anymore. It's been a rough year (6 months)
Fair enough. Status quo

no surprises

the word on the streets rings true. Dani just got hitched. Even someone whom once was a school gangster, whom often got into fights with many scars to prove them ... finished. Yet the melody of Radiohead's No Surprises plays on and on and on.

martyrdom and masochism. Such a fine line. Reading Yancey's book more and more reinforces the mindset of martyrdom. Yet as the beattitudes serve as a hope to cling for, one asks is that sufficient? The comparison of enternity and the short span of time on earth, of course eternity is way longer. To lay up treasures in heaven is to look at the end - the real end.

If so, what is the purpose of this life? To eternally suffer for however many years given here? Perhaps not a strong word as enternally, but perpetually. You've made you decision, you've made your bed, now lie in it.

The cup of suffering
The towel of servanthood
the cross of execution

These are what that have to be manifested, and for what purpose? To point others to Him.

The answer has already been known, long ago it's been know. i just don't always agree to it because it many times just too difficult. Difficult is one aspect, the other aspect is the repercussions that come with it.

The knowledge of

Blessed are the meek
Blessed are those who mourn
Blessed are the peacemakers
Blessed are the poor in spirit
and many others,

does not make it any easier at all - not one bit.

wheat

one of the hardest thing to do: be the wheat that falls, and dies so that others can germinate and grow.

fallout:realization

mkb
she writes that she thinks that she lost a friend - a friend that cared. Not because of anything, but because that person could not bear to allow her to make not too good choices. She writes that she walked away, and she is happy or peaceful with the decision. It's surprising that she actually realized. One would have thought she wouldn't even notice or cared.

The saying goes, whoever eats the chili, they will feel the heat - and indeed heat is felt. The words and description used, how more accurate can it get? Yet from this, again respect of decision has to be done.
Secondly no indifference in behavior. Maybe there might be reconcilation, but not now. Perhaps waiting near end of December would be more appropriate.

Again one wonders, where did one go wrong?

Even so, perhaps so timely - reading Yancey's book. You can't cure those who don't want to be cured. If the Master so practised this, so will you do it.

monologue:overdrive

overdrive - you don't wish for it to happen, but like a kid in a toy store / candy store.

why do you do it?
not like i have much choice
we always have choice
not in this one. Overdrive happens - by itself
are you saying you have no control over your thoughts?
sometimes yes
what was it this time
jamming session on ice climber's bonus stage bass line
ice climber could refer to anyone!
ice climber is her song! her game! there is no one else related to that
...
it was during our time
why do you it when the decision has been made
i don't know
isn't it like self wounding?
in a certain perspective, yes
and yet you ...
it is overdrive - it can't be helped; most of the times

project mkb was right in a sense, we love that which we cannot have.

fallouts:animosity

it is bewildering to see how many fall outs are occuring just these few weeks. Using logical deduction, it appears now the problem lies with me. Whatever done and said just cannot please people. If all 9 people have problem with the sole one person, chances are the problem lies with that sole person rather than the other 9.

what is more saddening and hurtful is because of some other people whom you support and silently accomodate for their shortfalls, they are the reason or the contributing factor to fall outs with those cloests. What was For them now changes to Because of them, and the kick in the nuts? it all points back to you
You are the perpetrator. Because of their overly sensitive nature, everything from you is perceived as hostile.

When all the time you piggyback and shoulder their responsibility doing 150% work they perceived that their share of 50% is adequate. When you do 100% due to certain limitations and shit starts to fall apart, it is not them that is viewed as slacking - YOU are the one that slacked.

Just great. Nothing done is right, Shoulder other's burden in silent and always first to be blamed.
Can you get angry and confront about it? No. Their overly sensitive nature is going to cause an explosion which ripples to god knows where.

Accomodate and suffer for them for the greater good, and get blamed for them also for the lack of progress.
These are the sheep the dog has to protect.

monologue: sheepdog

why do i feel rejected?
because you are rejected and forsaken
is it normal?you are not called to be normal
i am still human
human you may be, but you have a mantle to shoulder - a duty
why me?who else will?
that's correct, because no one else will
what about my own dreamsthis isn't about you. your life is not your own to live
but the results ...
do you do it for fame?
noglory?
no
recognition
no
then you know why you have to bear this cross?
yes
then bear it
it doesn't make it any easierit doesn't. but who else would? who else stops mid track and looks around?
not manythat is why, for them, you shall slow down. for them, you will deny yourself and for them, you will sacrifice
it is ...
unfair? this isn't a question about being fair. you know the very depths of your being, your drive. you know that you cannot ignore a need
yes
you will not ignore a need
 ... yes
and you know you will forsake your needs
 ... yes
for whom?
for Him. but does it mean i will be used
semantics and definitions are not in play. use discernment.
 ... but there are times ...
that it won't be easy? it is never easy all the time. this is why few are chosen for this task. always remember, the sheepdog is shunned, rejected, and forgotten - but the sheepdog always is the first in and last out irrespective of how he is treated.

This Is Your Cross

hindsight

Hindsight is always 20/20 vision. This much is always true. After many months of torment and multiple broken heart occurrances, maybe? things are starting to fit together. Not the entire picture, but one tiny part of it.

Enough, just enough to help other go through their own experiences. Yet again one wonders, one cannot speak from experience. Most of it is theory and it often sounds like a smart alec, one who only studied the books but have zero practical experiences. On the flip side, would one really want to go through all those said experiences?

The intensity of unrequited affection is the same if not very close to that of a break up- would i want to experience more of those, for the sake of credibility? At this junction, perhaps the answer is 'no'

 As much as it was good advice to give to mkb to sit tight till the end of the show, i've got to walk that talk too. i don't know what horrors plague her, but i hope she doesn't suffer constant hounding such as Walkabout. It is good indeed to read about the turnabout she has experienced or moreso decided to take. That is a good and wise decision.

This time the assaults are even more intense. With different updates, word on the streets about other people, each turbo laser fire comes closer and close to destroying the hull - permenantly.

Shields down. Hull 43% Engines 62%, Hyperdrive offline.
Next destination: Project Let's Rock

seal fate

as time goes by, we can see how the story ends. As more of it unfolds, we can only arrive at the conclusion - seal fate. It doesn't hurt as much as it did. i suppose that is part and parcel of making a choice, and keeping to it.
Accept the fate. He is accepted - accepted by the family. He is welcomed. He is part of the family. The only thing left, it is just ceremonial.

Remember what you said months ago, that you will - you shall honor her decision irrespective of the consequences. Everyone says that, but how many will walk the talk? Not many.

Come on Madeline, our work here is done. We are no longer needed. Let's go home
But we have no home sir
That's true. That in itself is our home - nowhere

sehnsucht

official 'off-er' of room switch. That was the titled bestowed upon me by Jeff & Karen.
i do not deny that there is a sehnsucht, and part of it also spill over wanting to be more than 'off-er'.
But the decision has been made. No turning back now. Holding on what is not meant to be held on, only results in self inflicted wounds.

Sehnsucht is represented by Walkabout, but for now - our hull holds despite the unrelenting fire

Accept the fact

again

funny how one thing leads to another. Add one friend and from the wall posts or friend list you can drift and snoop out other people. One more ties the knot right before "budget kena batu". Can't really say that i am happy for them. Drifted apart we have, but yet i recall whom they are.

Wish them well - of course! It's the right thing to do.


Watch and wave from this side - once again

i no longer feel adequate to help mkb. i've done more harm than good. What can be done now is to watch silently. i had my chance, and i blew it.

the right thing

after making that fateful decision, it seems that there is nothing much more that can be written. Decision has been made. My liking or not - it is the right decision. Happy or not, it is irespective.

maybe tis time

maybe tis time to fully accept reality and fact. This will not be easy, as it requires two-part acceptance.



Head & Heart


Time to remove the reservation name, and leave the seat empty - once again.


It is time

Taiyo No Uta (Song Of The Sun)- Reprise

sins of the past - atonement

Unamusing how one friend links to another or a photo tag and then you discover a whole repository of high school people. Do a bit of homework and find the same occurrence - you're last again. Contemplated reaching out and sent one message to one person for confirmation. We will have to see how things unfold from there.

Chances of them remembering? close to zero - not surprising though. As it is has been, as it is always will be.
Look around and see, current efforts are fruitless yet it calls for perseverance. Persevere to what ends? No end in mind is visible - yet persevere.

The atonement for the sins of the past is too heavy to bear, yet it must be done. Should i fall, then fall i will.

Captain, we're running without shields. Would you like to stop and regenerate.
Negative. There are still people out there requiring assistance. Maintain course, all ahead steady.
Are we still under fire from Walkabout?
Yes Captain. They have not let up yet - still close at 900 meters maintaining distance.

Shields down. Hull 97%, Engines 82%, Hyperdrive offline.

pride of life

based on what was said on Sunday morning, decided to e-mail Pastor Richard regarding it. Till now no reply. It seems that whatever i write seems to be either way too complicated or people rather not get entangled in it.

doomsday

much has happened and quite possibly more will come. This week marks D-day. There is nothing that we really can do except wait and see how things unfold. As much as we offer, (which is the best we can do) if it is not accepted, then it will be as it is.

No more, no less.