three

So three signs. Two that can fall under the self-created category and one more entirely random. One does have to wonder whether is one falsely believing in all this? Wanting something so badly to the point of willing to believe anything ... anything at all.

i'd like to believe

It's too easy to assume the answer to the question is no, given that it wasn't a yes. "Holiday for a week" definitely isn't no - more of a delayed response. But one must ask, delayed answer to ... to what ends?
It's that time again when emotions run high, sadly most which are in the negative tone.


I'd like to believe that You didn't bring me thus far to let me drop off
I'd like to believe that for my part I did not misinterpret things
I'd like to believe that all the interactions that You have allowed to happen with her family, points to one conclusion
I'd like to believe that, finally this desolated wasteland will see rainfall and life - after nearly two decades of barrenness.

I would so very much want - wish to believe such, because each day that passes the anguish from the unmet desire grows, and how darkstar puts it: Crushing loneliness increases.

pinnacle

Things have been steadily climbing. One must confess that the way it has been unfolding is definitely a pleasant surprise from what I'd like to say new friendship bonds, strengthening of existing ones and even to the whole stage fiasco.

We now stand at the pinnacle of things. I'd like very much to believe that The Maker did not allow things to unfold this way building up to a crescendo and then allow it to crash and burn - but yet those are my thoughts.

Soon that one question will be asked and the answer ... will be made known.

One can only hope and pray that this pace and direction will maintain (meaning continuously build up)

signal

Off late since that fateful event, things have never ceased to amaze. One can only loop Lincoln Brewster's Amazed and just give thanks. No doubt the trip was excellent, meeting more than a handful of new people too was great, yet nothing comes close to events that surround Cat. Stil very much shell shocked at it all.

One must confess that there is indeed heightened fear too, fear resulting from the uncertainty of reaction toward age perhaps, and a few others. In my defence, The Maker has protected me from many others even at or always at the cost of rejection and unrequited affection. Would He only now lead on and to cut it off abruptly? Surely that is not His nature.

At any rate things should be taken slowly but steadily. There is still no 'official' anything save just pleasant and wonderful gestures.

Our frigate has picked up very very faint signals of possible Legend. Not enough information to decipher. We just have to wait and see how things unfold.

It is my greatest hope and desire at this point of time that things will continue to unfold the way they have been going.

I still stand in awe and amazed at The Maker.

mass effect

To not write about this would be a mockery. Everything happened literally in one day. Before, there was much disappointment and dejection. Not blaming anyone but due to personal delay, the consequences were evident. Yet, The Maker in mercy and grace provided not only a way to the camp, but went above and beyond even sponsorship. In the past 'twas us that did the sponsorship! This is totally alien.

No doubt it is a pleasant surprise - still very much shell shocked. One gesture alone, opened up numerous possibilities and avenues. No doubt part of the reason was -her-, yet at the same time it should be a platform to forge new friendships. As much as I adore her, can't be a leech and hang on indefinitely to the point of stifilement.

Those aside, I stand humbled of the low points of disbelief, lack of hope and faith and event extreme disappointment. The saving grace is that He is not shocked nor surprised. After all we were made of dust, marred and tarnished. As cop out as it may sound, we are only human.

Words cannot express the gratitude in this gesture. The one statement that can be made is the prayer to remain faithful both present and future.

burmecia

I wanted to bad never to lapse into Burmecia again, but how does one do it will all these? T'was always the hope of turn around, breakthroughs ... but they never came - they won't come.
So we're back again at the start, the land of eternal rain; Burmecia

no more

Previously it was a surprise to find that the human body actually contain such high amount of tears. That was a little over a year ago. Now, there are no more tears to weep. So great are the disappointments, sorrow and despair that there are no more taers.

"Who are you kidding anyway? ... For who could ever love a beast"

This was supsposed to be a year of 'increase'. Your servant prophesized it and two other pastors confirmed it but look now: I am at a place where my job has been taken away. With it along goes numerous dreams. How does one even be a provider without a source of income? The concern about 'providing enough' now replaced with 'provider' itself.

The 'other' part of the desolace remains. Honestly I did hipe for some form of addition there, least it would be comforting in these times, but no ...
It is always the same old story, same old unrequitedness, same old heartaches. Stand and watch (as it always has been) others find their happiness and seal them with a vow. Me? Doomed to wander the deserts of loneliness and unrequitedness until the day I can wander no more.

home

For the most part, you may put on a facade and pretend that things are great, but days such as this it is neigh impossible. How do you attend to others' needs when your own are unmet?
How do you heal others when you yourself are broken. Continue to expend mana to heal others while constantly taking damage over time ... someday the heals will stop because we would have no more hit points.

I sincerely wish that You would take me home - right this instant. How can anyone expect to continue in this way where constant heart sickness plagues, every hope dashed - replaced with disappointment. How does one continue?

With so much hurt and heartache, I rather not continue. Death's cold embrace ... certainly a welcome to all this.

one

It's a marvel how a tiny gesture from the adored one can mean so much. It doesn't even have to be words, not even in the physical for that matter. One tiny mouse gesture meant so much. Maybe I am reading too much into things - most likely in fact.

But in my defense, after such depths of rejection - almost any form of reciprocation is welcomed.

you said

You said that there were plans to prosper and not plans to destroy.
You said that You watch over Your people
You said that You shun evil and rejoice in righteousness
You said justice and righteousness are the pillars of Your throne
You said that if I looked after your affairs, You would look after mine

You said ... that my deepest heart's desire, You will grant ... You said ...

Amidst all that reflections of late show that there still lingers are strong enough tinge of heart sickness due to the recent loss and also the cumulative results of dashed hopes, broken dreams, and the infamous unrequited affection. I try my best to smile and be genuinely happy daily - for others, and to portray a warm and comfortable aura yet in all honesty, many times if not all times it feels so fake.

My heart of hearts is filled with sickness constantly, and the smiles and laughs are so temporary. I look left, and right seeing everyone; friends, family all doing well - even obtaining their desires and answered prayers.
And then I look at myself.

I stand here, with no other hand to hold when others already started their own / starting families
Qualifications I have none when others gain more and more
Income I have none when others receive increments and bonuses
Broken dreams when others attain theirs and have answered prayers for their desires

How do You want me to continue to carry on. You say that these things ought not be our security or end goals. Not fame, not power, not money, not even companionship.
But was it not You whom put in us; me these desires?

The desire for an adventure
The desire to slay a dragon
and the desire to rescue a beauty

This, you place in me - but yet 18 years and going, this yet You seemingly deny.

blur

Amidst the ruins of broken dreams coupled with great lengths of deprivation, the boundaries between hope and reality blur. What began as hope - a hope for change, for turn around maybe even for a surprise; as the day goes by they wither and die, until there is nothing left but desolace and wasteland.

Every passing year was a hope for change. "Maybe this is the year Legend would show up, and finally!" but then the pain of reality sinks in. Each passing year is lengthens the deprivation period. Each time hope is dashed, each time more dreams shatter, is just reinforces that for some - there are no happy endings, and this one has to accept.

imagine

Who would have thought that a simple diner could turn out rather devastating. 'Twas for a 'bachelor' party but certain things came up resulting in a regular dinner. The good part was that we could accompany pneoxian to the dinner.

Lo and behold, topic of conversation drifts to marriage proposal; how various individual (all present, whom are yet to be married) would plan to propose. It was about when and how. Pretty tame topic one might say unless under certain 'unique' circumstances.

Where everyone is planning phase two or phase three (the phase numbers or stage isn't important) one can only imagine what it is like to even have someone take slight interest. Needles to say, from our part there existed nothing to contribute for that topic.

Who would have thought, how a simple topic could shaer to hard and so deep. As if it was not bad enough to be entirely left out of the conversation (certainly not on purpose by any other parties) but to hammer in the fact again. There never was, not even once.

I'm sorry because I was not strong enough. I'm sorry to disappoint You Maker. This blow was too hard to withstand.
Sorry

song of songs

My readings have brought me past Ecclesiastes to Song of Songs. Indeed it is beautiful to read on how two individuals express their love for each other. All this also reminds of how great The Creator is. If even the wisest man could not fully explain the feeling of love between lovers, what more the love that The Maker has for everyone.

Having said that, one can't help to link back to previous writings of whether one is reading too much into things, or perhaps these are little signs building up toward a crescendo.

reading between the lines

It can be strange or silly (depending on how one looks at things) when certain individuals make statements. On one end these statements appear to be signs or hints, yet on the other hand realism takes the supper hand and more often than not, tend to dismiss them.

A simple statement by one of the kiddos can be so powerful (given the fact that IF it was something from The Maker) I'm at lost really. The only prophetic message that was confirmed via events in the physical was the The Retrenchment. This one? Way too many unknowns. So which will it be? From the FADC to Wei jian's comment, what is it going to be? What wwill you believe?

The answer is always the same, but not easy to accept; Trust. My searches too have yield results not so much so the end goal or desire, but mainly the proper response to everything. Rather than hammer The Maker for personal desires or behave in a contractual believer, one has to still continue to relinquish everything; even Legend if so is His will.

And so we have our chart. Maintain course to two of our massive productions for now, and other aids that may creep up from time to time. Have the bombardment subsided? Certainly not. It has increased actually now coupled with major disappointment. Disappointment at life for being unfair, but not at The Maker.

I just pray and hope that during these solitary times (which are very frequent) as one ponders about all the events, all the shattered dreams and desires, but still willingly continue to hold,on, The Maker will not be angered due to my pondering.

Underneath it all, one day I'll hear those best words any mortal can lay ears on, "Well done thou good and faithful servant" ... until then, it is apprentice and The Master versus the world *fist bump*

shattered dreams

It's difficult to summarize the events of late. For one there was the whole retrenchment incident. Not that I wasn't aware of it, I was. God was gracious enough to impress on my heart that the time in Walton was soon coming to and end. In that sense, there certainly was peace. The flip side however is the fact that it appears rather than progressing, one is taking steps backward.

In order to be a decent head of the home, or even a Provider income has to be generated. Maybe at times we start low but given time (ideally) things should progress toward a higher bracket be in the same company or not. As it stands now, literally everything is shattered.

mw is gone. That has no one to blame but myself. 'Tis my own folly in silly expectations. Following that High Warlord is gone too. It never really even took off to begin with. Direct cold shoulder from the start. Those aside, the same it is with every other person. And now the steps or self-refining activities to become a better person - that as gone too. To put it plainly, as it stands I am no different from a street bum as of now.

Undeniably that You have brought me to a place where You have broken all my dreams all my desires (which from what I have read and understood, are indeed noble which You yourself have instilled in man)
Those not Your daughters, I could at least understand. Those your daughters, I don't.

The disappointment is heart sickening to say the least, yet I have made my decision.

I will not curse Your Name
I will not run away
I will not surrender my commitments to Your house
I will do my very best, to remain faithful

Despite that, it does not remove the brokenness and heart sickness - and the agony of unmet desires which has gone for nearly two decades.

In all this broken dreams and desire, someday I hope, and frankly soon that day will arrive - that I will see how you piece all the glass together to form the stained glass picture which only You can craft. I'd look back and be amazed; hasten that day.

Until then, even without shields and only operating at 79%, I'll hobble along and remain faithful, and by Grace find some way to deal with the brokenness and sickness.

between hope and delusion

Whether it is a sequence of songs on a playlist that could represent events happening (in the future) or others, often - daily in fact one can ponder whether it is reading too much into these menial things or perhaps in some unique was it is a sign; a form of encouragement.

Can't lean too much into hope neither can one lean too far into reality. Where exactly is the middle line that I am supposed to be? Despite that the why and when remains and will probably always be unanswered. Without clear cut answers, as more thoughts are poured into the matter speculation arises. Hideous? Unworthy? Fate? Imperfection? As far as they sound they could also be reasons or in this case theories. Theories because of the lack of evidence and facts.

When everything is pointing left, is the sole entity which is pointing right delusional or one that has tremendous faith?

There isn't a day that goes by that I wish You'd just give some sort of hint or sign for the many uncertainties, whether yes or no, whether soon or 20 years time, this or that.

It's been a long road. A long road of closed doors. A road without sign or a hint of direction to an open door. We're not even sure there is an open door- quite possibly it'll be endless corridors with more closed doors eh?
And honestly, with the passing of each corridor, and the slamming of another door it gets really, really, extremely difficult to gather up faith anymore - or what is left of it. It just is neigh impossible.

between a rock and a hard place

Much has transpired since, not so much so things that happened perse but much information searching revealed a lot. Some news slightly frightening frankly. The question of age remains, and has brought up an interesting yet valid and at the same time perhaps demoralizing point - that mental maturity will affect a relationship by a lot. Suffice to say ach individual differs but as much as each of us would like to think or belive that our own case is the unique one ... But ... Reality can hurt (as it does most of the time)

Right now, still undecided, more so clueless as to what to do. Continue or not? Then there is the age old question, 1-sided or not. Perhaps it would be wisest to just wait for that answer. Anymore would most certainly be setting up for own misery. Does that mean we would have gone an entire loop exactly what happened last year?

FADC into Ultra? Why would you even believe in such a notion to begin with. Certainly things that aren't there, when a desire is so great results in delusions

Job 3:11-26

Job 3:11-26

crumple

More weddings, more photos, more news about others' family addition. As if each blow is a crumpling one. Where others have gone on toward greater heights and greater distance we're still moored, docked - with absolutely no clearance to take off.

Clearly it is not meant for one such as I. History repeats. So sure we were that this time it would have marked the end to this desert - just like last year. That time so sure we were, too sure. And so it is with this cycle which shall repeat ad infinitum. Same circumstance, just different year.

There is not a day that I pray to Father to take me home. I've lived the best I could, aided the most I could, and invested as much as I have. There is no regrets when it comes to family and friends. My only regret is that there was no Legend. But what isn't meant to be, shall not come to pass therefore back home I am ready to go, to a place no longer shall I be plagued with brokeness and heartache daily, a place where finally one can rest.

statement

"my hideous form has not known a women's touch"
It may appear funny but all reality when it hits home, it cuts to the core. Call it FAG (forever alone guy) or whatever meme have you, they all apply - too well.
Not that one hasn't done anything bout it, but in everything yet there is no fruit. The barreness spills over. It permeates everything.

taking the hint

I get it now. It is the reprise of last year. Never gonna happen, never had a chance. Whatever signs or inclinations, all of it was fabrication. One will believe what one wants to. The sheer idea of basing it of executed moves itself and random names - sheer foolishness.

Now prepare to be the laughing stock of the entire city again - signs ... as if ...

Take the hint. The age, the responsibility, the gap, the response.

storm

Received word that there will be downsizing taking place. There will be at least one, possible two from the department amongst others. For some reason, there is an inclination that I'll be one of the named. They say when it rains, it rains.

There is a sense of calmness despite the possible outcome. Perhaps due to the constant condition of hear brokenness it has lead up to a certain level of numbness - at least that is what I'd like to believe.

pivotal point

There are always two possible routes or endings to a situation. As the days go by the more i learn about cat, the more it leans toward the same history. One has to wonder, how does one maintain a positive outlook in the given situation? History has shown otherwise. High warlord is gone. Would history really repeat itself?

The basis here is basically: are these things a gentle telltale sign to the status quo or that these things are building toward a miracle end? The preferred outcome is indeed obvious.

justice

Many times I am inclined to think or believe there is no justice. How is it that a particular person (just for this example) whom is very well labeled a sleaze bag can meet and befriend so many women. Accuse me of being hubris, but the label was not coined by myself.

Such people are accepted yet in reality they don't particular,clearly like him. On the flip side, we look at the current situation - same old nonsense just different day.
He is constantly in the company of very pleasant people, famous ones even.

... And look at this. Certainly there is no justice.

name

Been seeing an increase in Izzy's name. Either something is brewing or I'm seeing things that are not there. The sad thing is that, give a few weeks or months the sad truth will be revealed

what if

what if, her mom gets wind of the Calvaryland video and commissions to create and advertising one for KL ACTS. During the creation of the video dare one hopes that finally ... we can ... fly? to actually take off?

limbo

As with what happened last year, I find myself in the same limbo and for the same reasons. One wonders can it ever be a different 'type' of limbo - rather than forever wonder about an adored one. Year in year out, same cycle, same issue. How can you expect anyone not to to feel discouraged and dissuaded at all. Repeatedly hit an animal and see if it ever approaches humans after years of abuse.

fall

so afraid of falling - falling in the same manner, same position, same reason, same everything. One can say many thoughts and action lean toward self-preservation, to not want to hurt in that manner again. Granted that this whole idea of relationship is of course being vulnerable - but that's phase two when two unique individuals discover mutual interest.

We've never taken off, never left docking bay, never even had clearance to lift off - how can we worry about flying?

fear

amidst the 'signs' and events, fear creeps up again. The reason is simple, right about now, last year the same situation happened albeit without the signs. Could one fault me for being very careful? Maybe
Therein lies the thin line, to be righteous because it is the right thing to do, not righteous so that things will fall into my place

amazed again!

Been delaying this - no reason. Have prayed for some signs, and much to my amazement they came to pass. At time of writing it sounds really awkward because the signs are 'dumb' to say the least. Was basically stating that should a Dragon Punch into FADC Ultra occur, that would be the sign.

Not only did it appear once, but twice. The next day, due to doubt the same request was done again - it appeared. Thirdly I'd thought that it was time to stop testing, yet lo and behold it appeared. History still haunts. It was only last year that a very similar circumstance was on motion and look how it ended - yet this time only one element was different; she was His daughter.

There is much hope, maybe even expectations yet at the same time there is much caution.
 I do not wish to setup for a fall again. It's something gone through once and once is plenty.

Oh, got to mention this, she strikes a resemblance to Yui, who has graced my profile picture for God knows how long.

simple songs

missed posting due to net filter. There are times when one wants something to happen badly that one can perhaps unconsciously see or more aptly interpret events in a certain manner. After the remark by chels, following day (chance?) two songs played back to back, Two Is Better Than One and Fairytale. Make no mistake, if what has been said in the past post comes to pass, truly indeed really it will be a fairytale. Admittedly there is much elation, but in the midst of this feeling last year's sting haunts.

So sure we were that the company event last year would be a pivotal moment - so sure was the false hope backed with feelings. Sadly one has to watch out not to let history repeat itself again, because if it does then it will be another bad story on replay just a different person.

If only ... if only I could just glimpse - perhaps I would be more prepared. Perhaps I would know and perhaps I could avoid many of this dashed hopes and unrequitedness. Can one be blamed for now being really sceptical after what happened last year? Blame all anyone wants, perhaps at this point of time survival instincts kick in - self preservation.

Feelings and hopes aside, even as I ponder on the situation I would dare say that there has been slight growth. Rather than being overly anxious and hopeful (maybe to the point of obsession) now it’s just patient waiting, focusing more on other things; things like self improvement, video skills acquisition, more mini projects and of course during off-peak times to sharpen that Dragon Punch – FADC – Ultra.

Still, despite how over and over again hope destroys this frigate, one will continue to hope. Father please ... please consider-

impossible!

Impossible would describe chels mentioning two names whilst trying to describe another; Christine & Izzy.
Albeit the first one is a somewhat common name but Izzy isn't! Absolutely no one knows about those two names, not even both the Missile Cruisers. This I have kept hidden from everyone - every human

Same old phrase that has been uttered again and again, "Maker, are you trying to tell me something?"
If it is indeed true, once again I am/will be amazed - No, this time totally blown away. For this time it marks the coming of Legend.

amazed

So we did cross the 18th mark. Even though there was no clear cut and concrete turn of evidence but I cannot say that things are the same, they aren't. The Ipoh trip, the wishes, prayers and most importantly friendship has exemplified the lyrics of 'Amazed' by Lincoln Brewster. Each time the song plays, tears freely fall remembering despite of the outwardly (lack of) evidence, the lyrics always rings true.

I write this now in the midst of Madre's video production not so much so to delay my work but to pen down thoughts before I forget them. Too easy when fixated on results one can forget the path that one had traveled and most importantly, who lead on that path and who sustained.

I will admit, the pain lingers, not as much - but it is still there and probably will continue to be there, but I look forward to things in store by the Maker as long as I maintain course and boost all power the shields - keeping our first objective as a priority - "Moving to assist"

nearing 18

Looking back at the previous post, which is about 30 days ago one can say that there certainly has been turn arounds. It is one of the reasons this entire thing was started - to journal. Not everything will be divulged here. Some things will and must be taken to the grave. On to more important things.

Only 30 days ago, the choice was Death. Now? It's Life. Where one can say is it due to emotions and occurrences? Hardly. The situation is still the same. Legend isn't around. Bombardment from the infamous three; Hope, Creativity and Reality still continues.

What is terrible is that the Adored One constantly shifts from person to person. As long as the void remains, 'prospects' will always surface in one way or another. Be ready! Be ready for yet another bout of Tantatlus' Torture. High Warlord's gone. That bout is over. Now comes others to fill that position. Different person, same effect and same results.

They'll be more shattering/breaking and tears ...

But at the end of it all, this time the choice is Life, simply because there are just a few more things to do before expiring. But yeah, we are nearing 18 years of deprivation.

restoration - not

It's always amazing when you sit down and think of how much restoration goes into other people but your own. Doesn't matter whether it is restoration for PC or self-image or whatever. All efforts go into other people but in reality? self is to say the least, in shambles.

It's the unsolvable riddle / puzzle / problem. Any mortal is honestly powerless to do anything. The only entity that actually can do something, doesn't. This is where the problem stems - is He again the Cosmic Sadists which if indeed were true is comforting because then it would explain a great many things.

However as C.S. Lewis puts it, it is not the fear of finding out God is a Cosmic Sadist, but it is to find out that despite the teachings and saying about how God is Love, is that the reality is as it is - contradictory.. There isn't not an ounce of evidence that supports the notion that God actually cares and loves.

Is it true that these tears are precious? If so how?
Is it true that He is near the broken hearted? If so where?
Is it true that there are plans to prosper? If so where?

Day after day the only evident experience is sorrow, grief, broken heart and unrequited-ness.
Day in day out, week in week out, months and years. It's been like this for years, what makes you think it'll change. Truly who can ever love a beast?
No one truly knows. Yeah they all say they understand but do they? Do they know how much effort has been put over the past years? Everything gone into the abyss of futility? Do they even know what it is like to always sit and watch other people's joy and happiness for close to 18 years now? What about the ostracization and rejection which still goes on - it all is. Nothings stopped.

Sure they do understand - full of talk.

If this is Your idea of a Gift of Life, take it back. There i've said it. I do not wish to hold on to this. This amount of constant hurt and agony is not worth anything at all. The only release is death itself.

Coincidence, not

It isn't coincidence that all the songs on the current playlist is of Planetshakers despite being on random

Recount: Loss

The tracking of the days has been lost. Nearing and following the centerpoint it all has been downhill. As sure as the sun rises, sure enough time and time again reminders will appear; reminders about how futile each situation has been and is. Reminders of what levels of heartache, rejection and ostracization that has and continues to occurr.
How is one supposed to withold against such an onslaught? It is the battle of the mind that one just cannot champion.

***

What's more difficult is the fact that should there be any divine intervention, one has to truly belief and worship truly - both of which cannot exist without the existence of a certain measure of faith. And faith it iself the barrier, to believe the unseen. Certain things are easier to have faith in, but not this situation.

The big question remains. Is He not willing or unable. If he wasn't willing what would make Him willing now?
The more lack of faith there is, the more He will be unable to do any work and it results in an evidenceless situation which then agains perpetuate the entire cycle.

That brings us back to square one- Tantalus.

Recount: Day 16

To give out of need, would constitute to be the best form of giving. Is it easy? Hardly. When one ownself is undergoing loneliness, hearbrokeness ... yet to attend to others certainly is no easy feat. Having said that without intentions of boasting, it is the right thing to do.

Madeline, we're moving to sector B. Destination, Ayaz.
Captain our guns are still offlineSheilds?
Shields are operational on minimal basisGood enough. Dog the turbolasers from Phantom and Overdrive. Move out

Recount: Day 15

Half Time. One can look back and see failures. It was a good record to half time. Today - It's really difficult to look at someone's happiness and to be truly happy for them - to share similar joys and exuberance. It's difficult not so much because of sour grapes, but in reality it is due to deprivation.

I suppose the saying can be applied in this case, ignorance is bliss. If a hungry man doesn't see another eating sumptuously i suppose the hunger pangs will not be as bad. Put him in front of a untouchable feast - that is torture most heinous.

Recount: Day 14

It isn't even half time yet and already there were many incidents where we failed. Topic was about choices - choices and consequences ranging from the simple, to the complex ones. Inevitably the topic about marriage and dating will creep up.Pastor RY does mention about the prayer for his own children. Ideally it would be some one appealing and one whom is also the daughter of The Maker - ideally

Yet i cannot help but wonder, do they know? Do they really know what it is like to suffer as Tantalus did? Not for one two years, not even five nor ten but for nearly two decades?

The whole purpose of this Recount was to monitor Phantom and to counter it when it shows up.  Having said that almost on a daily basis - at least weekly, there will be reminders. If it isn't weddings, and pictures it will be topics of discussion or questions.Inevitably again, it will force Overdrive out and both Phantom and Overdrive will eventually crumble everything.

If there were answers perhaps it wouldn't be as painful as it is. Again all the questions just hover in the air - unanswered.

Why do i have it tougher?
Why is it that people find me so repulsive?
Why are there so much more pre-requisites that is required of me?
Why the deprivation?

I really wonder what really goes on? Does The Maker silently watch each time the waves of heartache from unrequitedness wash over so much so that there is manifestation of physical pain?
Does He delight in that? or indifferent?

What happens when one longingly looks and sees the joy and happiness others enjoy fully knowing that it will be the wolf and the moon scenario.Irrespective; it will be back to square one. No answers but only lingering pain accompanied by the faithful loneliness.

"Loneliness is just a feeling that can be overcomed like any other feeling" is the regular saying.
Fuck off is the reply. You have absolutely no idea what levels of deprivation some people have.

Yup, frigate's all but destroyed again. Another lost battle.

Recount: Day 11

In the cold space, after some hours of repair a lone frigate sparks to life again.

Time One to Zero. We're done here.
Affirm. Let's jet

***

Captain are you conscious?
Ugh .. i guess so. What happened
We took a serious hit from Phantom a few days backHow long was i out this time
shorter than previous blackouts, but almost 24 hoursGive me a status report
Running on minimal generators. Life support online, Shields off, Batteries off, Hull capacity 54%.Try and work that shields up Madeline
Roger that Captain.
Captain, Phantom just hyperspaced in. She's bearing for bombardment. Warhead bays are charging up and bay doors are openingGreat, we have neither batteries nor shields up

***

Not entirely strange when a topic of conversation drifts to marriage and relationships and one sentence is thrown - one sentence that potentially triggers a landslide of repressed memories.
"Are you seeing anyone?"

Bring the rain

Recount: Day 10b

Time one this is Time Zero what is your location
Heading toward frigate. She looks really beaten up
I'll rendezvous with you at the stern. We'll start repairs from the engines and generators to power the her up
Roger that Time Zero. What did this?
It's the ISD Overdrive and Phantom
Poor SOB

Recount Day:10

Skipped days. They were uneventful for the most part. The same pattern remains - Overdrive's attacks are relentless. If it isn't negativty more often than not it will always be a plethora of what-ifs.

High Warlord has left. One can only wish the best both in studies and exposure. It is here more and more the line between false hope and hope thins - blurs. Which is which and which should not be clung onto?

Recount: Day 6

Especially today, appeals brought about that dull ache. Too see that many are beautiful yet none are close brings that ache. Fully knowing that this 30 days' reason is to repel such thoughts, but many times they are automatic. So automatic that the thought can't be caught in time.

i suppose the best solace now is to retreat back to WOW - not so much so for achievement's sake, but in the name of busyness.

Recount: Day 5

Overdrive still bombards hard. I guess it would be either Phantom or Overdrive.

It appears that the curse of Tantalus still somewhat lingers. Due to celebration of promotion, there was again a glimpse of what having a companion would be like, the laughter, the closeness and basically the sharing - yet alas it is but a glimpse.

Recount: Day 4

Madeline how are we holding up?
Overdrive is moving to our starboard in attempt to gain a better angle. Phantom is still returning fire. Shields are down to 8% all systems operational.What about Phantom's status?
Phantom's shields are down to 97%At least there is a little progress!
Overdrive is all systems go

CaptainYes madeline?
Overdrive is preparing it's warhead launchers. The bays are opening.Move to face Overdrive with our starboard turbo lasers. We'll have to gun down the warheads.
Manual or Automatic fire CaptainAutomatic. I trust you fully
***
For the most part only Overdrive's bombardment are the heaviest. Even though they may appear harmless but given more room, it will lead to more dispair thoughts. Got to be mindful of that.
Call it resourcefulness from one point and call it stalker from another. Stumbled upon High Warlord's elder brother. In total there are three of them. Won't say more, save that it was more insight.
To have the mindset that "It's dead / Nothing" - That's what we're fighting against. Despite evidence, despite circumstance ... gotta wrestle with Phantom. Although i may write this, i cannot stop but wonder, am i again setting myself up?

Recount: Day 3

For the most part things remain okay. Despite seeing others, (for now) the negativity doesn't seep in as how it used to. Perhaps it could be due to the conscious halting of the thoughts.

Highlight of the day - the Malorne waitress. Another "Girl from McDonalds" incident. After so many years one would have thought there would be enough courage to venture forth.
Perhaps growth period is just very much longer in this case.

Phantom has requested assistance from Overdrive. It's been hectic. Very hectic.

Recount: Day 2

Pretty much uneventlful, in itself is a blessing. Holding ground trading fire

Recount: Day 1

Madeline, give me a status update on the frigate.
Shields are down to 20%, all critical systems operational. We’ve sustained damage to docking bays, sick bays and air tanks 1 and 3 have been shut down. Hull condition is moderate at 49% Engines operational including hyperdrive.
Last night’s bombardment hit us hard eh?
Indeed captain
It happens Madeline, it happens. Initiate repairs and get ready for ship to ship battle.
What are we up against captain?
One called “Phantom”. She’ll be one of the toughest opponents we’ll have, alongside with Walkabout. She’ll be an exact replicate of this frigate, but with more firepower and shields.

Recount. It is something that we’ll try and carry out for 30 days, 15 at a time. It’s true that many times the most difficult battles to champion are that which we wage in our minds. As with the utility of the mod recount, for the next thirty days the wrestling of the mind will be recorded, not so much so for bragging purposes, but in attempt to maintain the right path.

***

Recount:

Noon time spotted more than a few interesting people. One particular one was gifted with legs. Instinctively thoughts drifted to High Warlord. Most likely due to the college photograph. I do my best not to drift there. It really appears a dead end, though ds differs (slightly). He says try and not be satisfied with status quo. I’ve tried to ‘move on’ in the sense moving on by not dwelling – but not being very successful.

Each time I spot any 'appeals' rather than gripe, I believe the right thing to do is to thank The Maker for the creation is a reflection of the beauty of The Maker. Appreciate the artist, not so much so the art.


Captain, it’s here.
Give me manual control for our turbo lasers. Rotate our bow 33 degrees from her stern. Draw 5% remainder shields from other sections and redirect to forward shields.
They’ve opened fire captain.
That’s fine, 20% shields with re-routed powers will hold. Once rotation is done, I’ll return fire.

***

And so the battle begins, Day 1 battle against myself. More people getting married. Definitely no surprises there. Choose happiness over grief, positive over negative. After all The Maker said He’ll look out for everyone, and that He doesn’t forget. Someday – Walkabout will be only a story to tell, looking forward to it.

re-alignment

There has been or in process a major re-alignment in many things. Most of it could be attributed to the CCFILS people. Much injustice has occurred and it is my prayer that The Maker will vindicate. Yet even as i say this, i am humbled in my own circumstance.

These down and outs really did not choose to be such, to be ostracized, rejected, looked-down and trodden on (just to name a few).  In these and even my own circumstance, i pray that the story of Jepthah, Leah, Gideon, Jabez would be re-enacted once again. Those whom are seemingly at the tail, will be raised to the head and looked up upon by many.

***

Re-alignment again not to look at things for my gain, but as a greater good. This applies to everything inclusive of High Warlord - everything

hipocrasy

is one bold enough to say that each person has their own insecurities, one aspect or another. Each time anyone shows these insecurities, i do my best to reassure them that it is due to their warped perspective where these insecurities arise - yet at the same time, i can't even bear to love myself.

Safely, all could be satiated with the line "One time or another, there was a person that enjoyed your company and fell in love with you" hence there is living proof, evidence that they are indeed desire-able.

But a battered frigate, missing engine parts? Hah, rather drift in deep space than rely on it. Yet i do what i must with the end in mind to be an encouragement, even at the cost of (sometimes) self-worth

red head step child

'Tis always times like that when thoughts go into overdrive, thinking and analyzing many observations. Just Sunday saw Jeffry in passing on the way to Tongkah. Wasn't a mystery to see that even he has met a partner. The thing about this is that many of such bump-ins depict that these partners as opposed to the proverbial Plain-Jane-but-God-fearing-girl, they are indeed out of this world.

Doesn't matter whether it is Derek, Jeffry or even Victor; Warren - everyone!

Yet time and time again (perhaps out of desperation and deprivation) we come to the junction of:
Less looks more heart which is ultimately the most important, one does not disagree ... but just sometimes ... sometimes in the name of Justice? one continues to wish, and as always, proceed to be dashed/disappointed/rejected and despondent - again.

saturday

Coming Saturday, will have to chaperone some Calvaryland children for the sports event. Can't help but think that it is Madre's move in support of "Additional Effort" motion. Wanted to get crash also just to show face but i do admit perhaps The Maker has a hand in this.

Come night time, will also attemp to attend the DUMC event.

At least for my part, i will do the best i can in all aspects - to the best of my ability

recurring

no doubt there has been long periods of silence. The reason is simple, nothing has been happening. The sense of despondent and discouragement are always present. Each reminder is the same blow to the wounded heart. Doesn't leave any room or time to recover. Not like it is done on purpose, it is involuntary.

Admittingly, there has to be more change required for plausible outcome. Apparently what has transpired is not enough. Much talk with Madre has gone on, and that's the conclusion. Madre mentioned SY, and truth be told, off late throughts or should i say Overdrive  has on more than one occassion gone that direction too.

One cannot say for sure that it's something of the future. All the other past ones, Overdrive had also vehemently fired in that direction. In self preservation, best to just dismiss everything. The shards of broken dreams and desires still fall, still break and still cause bleeding, No point to cause more shatter. That's just logical move now isn't it?

shattered

Today marks High Warlord's best friend birthday. Not that it was anything but it is yet another milestone of shattered dreams and hopes. There were many ideas and proposals for lack of better word, to reach out and build rapport ...

But alas non of them came to pass (again)

All that happened was basically more shattering, adding to the already enormous pile of brokeness. More wounds , not as war badges - just plain wounds of "could have been"

taste like chicken

what is it like to have someone cling on to your arm whilst walking together?
what is it like to have someone accept you for who you are?
what is it like when someone says "you're not so bad after all. i like your company"?
what is it like to have someone that willingly is intimate with you?
what is it like to have someone laugh at your funnies, genuinely amused?

does it taste like chicken?

i wouldn't know


bits and pieces here and there - at times they may be a teaser, but more often an enforcement of deprivation.
Difficult to maintain positive outlook in such times.

not left, not right

i find myself hardly writing off late but for reasons unknown. i know that i ought not write or dwell on negative aspects, basically the have-nots, the rejections, the failures and the list goes on. Factual as they maybe, not only unhealthy as it may be but it doesn't please The Maker. It goes back to being a caged animal. Left-No, Right-No.

To have hope is the right thing, but to have the hope materialize into my way is bad
To not have hope, is bad
To despair is bad
To have joy is good, but not joy and happiness in what He can do or could do, but in Him himself.
and i thought calculus was difficult enough.

Again i make the decision, trying to do what is right, trying to say what is right and most difficult, trying to think what is right despite what has transpired.

Received a compliment on hairstyle, maybe - just maybe i am not as fugly as i perceived myself to be. In all things, thank The Maker for these small crumbs of assurance. They are valuable in their own way, tiny yes - but means the world - literally.

leah

Leah. That word alone is enough to describe the series of things that occured recently. The message that Sister Petrina preached was powerful enough that it will forever be remembered; Leah.
And because of that, despite having broken parts, missing SE engines, and sub par parts - we'll still proceed with the original plan - the first plan; once again flying the Maker's banner.

Not because we hope to 'win' and best everyone else at the end, but because "when life isn't fair, there is God"

no surprises

reminiscing old Disney songs brought about little sense of elation. However this happiness is not genuine. Going back to childhood days is a place where dreams were abundant. It was a place where one could be a pilot! a doctor! maybe even an actor! and then reality hits. But of course for some, in the midst of reality they still do achieve their dreams - for one simple reason, they don't carry the curse of necrotic touch.

Push the Disney songs a little further, whom will be be listener of "A whole new world"? whom will duo "Beauty & the Beast"?

That's right, no one at all

it makes a difference. Where others may once, twice or maybe thrice or more not succeed, but there will be progress however miniscule. On the other hand those with this curse have no progress whatsoever they do. It has always been this way and nothing will change. Whatsoever effort always will indefinitely result the same - nothing.

Therein in the deafening silence of again broken hopes & dreams will resound the chorus, No Surpises.

of broken dreams and shattered desires

saw proposal that was done in the form of a movie trailer. Without sounding too much of a sour grapes, that idea has been mulled upon. Along with it more ideas and of course ideal scenarios surrounding High Warlord. Even though i have come to the acceptance that nothing will happen - yet again Overdrive takes it's course like always.

Of the many ideas, the reprise of Beauty and the Beast would be most fitting, ending with Fairytale song - but in this case, it doesn't progress to scene 2 or the finale. No "Belle" to say that she loves the person behind the ugly physical. No "Belle" to break the curse.

As quickly as many of these ideas birth, they die and shatter like everything else. Their pieces will again cut, and cut deep leaving deep wounds. Such will be the end to 'this' story. Forever to only watch, never to experience. As painful as it is, to dream - but only to have it shatter moments later.

This.is.your.story.

good friends

oh you're back. Been a while since you were around. It's almost as if you were gone for good - but one knows better. You're around closer than any shadow can be.
Always can be counted on to be there - always

Thanks heartache & loneliness. i can always count on you both!

burmecia

it is the land of eternal rain. they say that it cannot rain forever, behind every storm is a rainbow, before the daybreak is the darkest night. whoop de doo, guess they don't know the real scenario. Yeah sure for others it is temporal. For others it is valleys and mountain tops, rain and sunshines - because they aren't in burmecia.
You will find no sunshine here - no silver lining. It always rains, it always is dark. Sure you always hear the same phrases over and over again, but they mean nothing really. Hollow words and empty promises. Wishful thinking and false hope.

You say that last Sunday that all of us have bitter & sweet moments, oh but you have no idea. Absolutely no idea at all how one event after another can go wrong. Things that you think cannot go wrong, will go wrong. Big things, small things, medium things. Even things that aren't important and not pressing, will go wrong - don't ask about the important things, it's a given that they don't work out.

Amidst all this i'm supposed to smile and be happy? laugh? when the branding iron is pressed to your skin and held eternally, lets see you smile and laugh and be happy.
welcome to burmecia, land of the eternal rain.

space frigate 'hobble'

The Hubble telescope was a marvel when it was birthed - but not this one. Where one is Hubble the other one hobbles. How can you rescue anyone when you cannot even save yourself? Each day is spend hobbling from the beginning to the end, just hoping for the end of day to come without any mistakes done. But such is not the case.

Every alternate day is a mistake, is a blunder, is damage control.
"You'll never amount to anything in life"
Perhaps those words are true. Try as much as you may not want to accept it, but closing your eyes and ears, the sky is still blue regardless. A misfit, an outcast, a failure, the biggest disappointment, the ugly, the talentless, the repulsive.

so what if you are generous? (giving benefit of doubt) it doesn't get you anywhere.
so what if you are kind? (again giving benefit of doubt) it again doesn't get you anywhere.
In a world of results, credentials and achievements - those do not matter. Result driven/oriented. High achiever. Talented. Success. These are what every employer seeks. They do not seek weak qualities that do not yield anything. No organization is a charity.

the cards are all laid out. Perhaps it is high time to cease being deadweight, the fat kid on the short bus, the gangrenuos limb. Charity gets the organization no where, good results do.
Was never meant for greatness from the start. Track history already is a solid enough evidence, what more does anyone need?

Enough of false hopes. It is time for acceptance.

prodigal

"One time or another, we're all a prodigal child". In the natural, we shy away from hurt and pain. Not one sane person enjoys pain (and we're not talking about masochists - which are a different discussion all together bordering on the realm of psychology). Slightly over a month of absense and yet undeniably still off and on you hear the Maker calling you back. Be it through thoughts, or other people the message is the same.

This time it took Delmer Guynes & indirectly, W.Kim Fook for the turn around. At the end of the day i suppose i do not want to disappoint. Nevermind what happened or in this case 'did not happen' on earth, but at the end to know and see ma-ma and yeh-yeh waiting - that's all that matters isn't it.

Nothing's changed though - honestly speaking. There wasn't a huge event or any of that sort. Still standing amidst of much broken dreams, wishes and hope. The wounds from them are still fresh; even the scent of blood. Yet amidst this is now a different perspective and outlook.
No new hull plating, no new shield generators nor batteries. Same old, same old - and same old goal ... Heading out.

can't

i can't live under the same roof of an abusive Father. It's just inhumane

25

out of the blue there was this thought that "What if High Warlord was only ready to settle down during her mid 20s? Would you wait?"
At surface level it may be a simple Yes or No but as much time and thought was put into it, apparently not so easy after all. For there are a few factors to take into consideration.
For one, i still hardly know High Warlord,  but in this case to (to the best effort) accurately provide an answer, some assumptions or conditions have to be made - just like Algebra.
Assuming that:
High Warlord and i got along and (if i may say) our friendship grew more than friends
I would have the assurance that she had the same desires and goals with mine (as far as partners are concerned)

My answer would be yes, because she is worth the wait. To say right now "Yes" would be presumptios because there isn't enough information. Too many probabilities.
Based on the two earlier assumptions, to wait until studies are over? Of course. To wait until she secures a job to which she may build a career of. Definitely. It's a pleasant thought too to think that somewhere somewhow she has a career in music or singing of some sort - definitely worth the wait.

but for now, one has to be careful to not bank on wishful thinking and false hopes. The sting of last year still lingers

meta

Dinner with skum this evening revealed a fair bit of information. Apparently j.nah still is in Monash and is it a coincidence that High Warlord is there too? What was shocking was what he used to or perhaps still is doing - prophesying and others.

No wanting to read too much into things, but indeed that alone could be a topic of conversation (in future) hopefully - Big hope.

Once in a while, i plug random stuff into google and see what can be found. Because of that i stumbled upon a video of High Warlord 3 years ago. Words cannot describe, and my vocabulary fails when i watch the video. It was the entire family celebrating the dad's birthday.
There was another video of her, perhaps singing her own song that she wrote (self recorded) The quality of the sound and video most certainly did not do justice.

Meanwhile, stumbled across Chris Medina's song. It was the chap that sang for his fiance that suffered from an accident 2 months before they were supposed to get married. Tis not Chris and the incident that draw my attention, but the ability, the potential (with proper resources and channels) to launch High Warlord (if she is willing) into the music industry.

I sit here again unable to sleep as many ideas start to formulate in my head surrounding her. Label me a stalker for searching down history - i am guilty. Label me a creep for stalking behavior - i am guilty. In my defense i only can say that she is just that interesting that the desire to know more is so great.

If The Maker doesn't will us together, then may i humbly ask that i may use what skills, knowledge and talent that was given by The Maker, to impact her life, to perhaps open a great avenue or career before i disappear.

plan

it is days like these which are a huge encouragement. A trip to calvaryland bringing Aunty and Uncle Cheong. If things went according to plan, Adra would have drove but Adra needed rest and hence i took over.
Who would have thought, after 25 years, the favor of chauffeuring is repaied to Uncle Cheong.

It was again His timing that Friday the translated script was given to Aunty Cheong and it was an addition to her message on Sunday. Coincidence? Not at all. The previous night too, was a late night due to the conversation with smy. As a result of that, had to go for 1030 service. That resulted in perfect timing before the trip for Calvaryland.

Monday is an off-day (replacement leave) Just in time too as it would be ideal to visit Ting Specialist again. Moreover, it can be used to catch up on housework due to the busy Sunday's activities. The simple dinner with Aunty and Uncle Cheong too was again a blessing in disguise as Uncle Cheong did want to eat satay sometime back but due to unforeseen circumstances, was unable to. This night, it was a semi-reunion and a heart's desire granted.

There is no doubt now that You orchestrate things for our good. Many times our concept of good will clash because we (i) am such a short-sighted person. Having experience this short episode is indeed evidence of your intervention.

is?

is it because that You want me to show and depict Your love to others that you have (for now) closed all doors and (seemingly) deprived me of a companion?
i could look at it as a mockery of having to advise others when i myself am not in a relationship - but that'll be too negative.

i've re-affirmed my choice - You. Somedays i may forget (many days in fact) for the gnawing hearthache, grief and disappointment overtakes my rationale / spiritual. During those days it is my prayer that You will not cast me away nor exact Your judgement.

But for now, moving out to assist sk.

letters to the master

the arena resounds with the audience's cheer. They cheer not for me, but for my opponent. He - it goes by many names but for now, Walkabout.

You said that "Don't worry, I will be by your side during the fight". My eyes are red and puffy. My breath is short. My mouth dry. I only taste the salty blood that runs from my head trickling down to my mouth. I can barely stand up. My 'student band' around my head is soaked crimson with my own blood.

This is round 17 (years) and there isn't one round that i have even remotely come close to victory with. 17 rounds of knockout - but this fight isn't based on knockouts, it's based on elimination or surrender.
I look up and try to peer amidst the blurred vision. I don't see very well. One of my eye is nearly completely shut due to an open wound near it from a direct hit.

You my Master are no where in sight

"I will be by your side, when you're fight goes on"

You thought me (the art of) Hope - but it's countered with Disappointment
You thought me (the art of) Seeking First - but it's countered with Broken Dreams
You thought me (the art of ) Companionship - but it's countered with Grief and Rejection
You thought me (the art of) Prayer - but it's countered with Silence
You thought me (the art of) Joy - but it's countered with Despair and Injustice

Every move you thought me, my opponent has countered and deflected. Again i peer around, maybe someone will help me fight this battle, for i am barely even standing up now - but everyone is too busy. No one is around, not even you my Master.

I have ran out of arts to use. You only thought me so much stating that "It's sufficient" but every move i made, has been futile. Let me try Hope stance one more time - Countered; Companionship - Countered; Joy ! - Countered.

The bell rings as i am given a full minute to attempt to stand up again. Look, on the floor of the ring - crimson and clear spots. The last blow must have opened a new wound, and more tears flow now marring my vision even more.

i know - i know that You posses the "Satsui No Hadou" both the touch of death and touch of life. If You were here, You'd have an art that Walkabout could never counter - but you are not here.
For some, their Legend came and they double-teamed their Walkabout, but for me?
Legend is what Legend is - a Legend.

Despite the 17 rounds of knockouts, the blood, the tears, the (arts) things that i do which are all rendered ineffective, despite being beaten down to my seemingly last breath, despite enduring wracking pains each time i draw breath because my ribs have punctured my lungs, despite leaning only one one arm because the other is broken, despite a staggered footwork from a broken leg - because i carry your insignia, your symbol, i will attempt to stand again, and assume battle stance.

For now the fight is not entirely over, though it really does feel like it.
The only hope that i have, are your words "When the time comes, I will teach you Senpukyaku to defeat your opponent". Maybe that day or time, will be accompanied by "The Heart of Courage"

But for now, forgive me for the moments i lose sight and lie on the arena floor in my pool of blood. Forgive me when i have no strength left to assume the stances you taught me. Forgive me when many times i feel like surrendering, especially after 17 rounds of defeat.

In moments such as this my Master, i only pray that you see my broken heart within my wracking body

Your Student
Tats

kujira no uta (song of the whale)

Once upon a time, there was a whale called June. Or maybe her name is Margaret. Or Kate. We don't really know. A few nitrogen-hearted scientists call her 52 Hertz just because she sings at a 51.75Hz frequency, but I will call her Alice.

Alice isn't like any other baleen whale. Unlike all whales, Alice doesn't have friends. She doesn't have a family. She doesn't belong to any tribe, pack or gang. She doesn't have a lover. She never had one.
In the immense solitude of the ocean, Alice is completely alone.

The only thing Alice does is sing. Like other whales, she has been singing for a very long time. The first time we heard her song was in 1989, when the hydrophone network of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration recorded her voice for the first time. The researchers at the Woods Hole Oceanographic Institution have been tracking her using these hydrophones for the last two decades.

Her songs—in this recording accelerated by a factor of five—come in groups of two to six calls, lasting for five to six seconds each. But her voice is unlike any other baleen whale. It is unique—while the rest of her kind communicate between 12 and 25Hz, Alice sings at 51.75Hz.

You see, my dear humans, that's precisely Alice's problem. No other whales can hear her. Every one of her desperate calls to communicate remains unanswered. Each cry ignored. And with every lonely song, Alice becomes sadder and more frustrated, her notes going deeper in despair as the years go by.

Nobody knows why this is happening. Nobody knows why Alice is going through the wrong paths instead of following the usual baleen whale's migratory channels. Some think that she might be a weird hybrid, one of a kind. Maybe she—or he, as we don't really know the whale's sex—is the last member of her species. Perhaps there was a mutation. Who knows. Who cares—the explanation doesn't matter.

Whatever the reason is, the sad fact is that there's no happy ending to this tale. Alice keeps roaming the big blue, eating krill, seeing other creatures around her but unable to communicate with any of them. And one day, the NOAA hydrophones will record Alice's unique voice one last time. And again, that farewell cry will get no reply. But it will not matter this time because, at last, Alice would be sad no more.
again, too accurate of a description.

tantalus

"Tantalus's punishment for his act, now a proverbial term for temptation without satisfaction (the source of the word tantalize), was to stand in a pool of water beneath a fruit tree with low branches. Whenever he reached for the fruit, the branches raised his intended meal from his grasp. Whenever he bent down to get a drink, the water receded before he could get any."

None the more accurate

the gobbo mage

the closest (at this point of time) entity would be the little gobbo mage, purely created and named out of affection, just like the past few. Poured out much time and investment into it - to mimic that which will most probably not happen.

Full of potential and capability, mimicing High Warlord - to which she was named after. Over achieving, way more than Tats could ever achieve during his early levels.

But alas, all these will never be known by anyone else. Will be liken the rest, the gladiator, the druid - named after those ...

and this will be the closest you will ever get - should be contented with this and not expect any more, for with great expectations (as proven in past history) comes greater disappointment.

me, You & high warlord

Today again i stand before You. No facades. No pretense.

i know that for a fact, You will not tell me why, but at the same time You have said that things are for my best. You wrote that it isn't good for me to be alone, yet there isn't a day that goes by where i yearn for that which is elusive / non-existent.

You tell me not to compare, but how do i not do it? Often times it is automatic. i run away from it but daily - daily i am reminded. Reminded where other have succeeded, i have failed miserably. Do i have to atone for my wrong doings? All of them? Even if it was so, having the knowledge would at least be slightly comforting.

Dare i say you brought them across my life? But i really do not want to blame You. It does nothing but place me in bad attitude and selfish motives. At the same time You have said that You're in control and there are times You do orchestrate things, for nothing happens without a reason. In hindsight, when i broke my own heart, that was my own folly, to pursue that who isn't your daughter.

But now - high warlord. Again You choose not to say anything. Everything points against me. Will this whole escapade end like mw ? of course without the slander, but history repeating itself. The agony, the brokenness and tears and i'll find myself back at square one.

i do my best to keep your commands, not because i expect things in return - because You have taught me to. i know for a fact it is the right thing to do, purely out of love and not rituals and obligations. Yet i am only human. Irrespective of how i put it, the human nature does desire some form of gratification. i am unlike Your Son, whom has nothing but Agape. i am merely human.

It does hurt very much hearing others testify, and hearing of their own environment straightening out because You chose to intervene. When i look at my own situation, i only see closed doors and silent walls. Do You care? i have asked countless times. I know you do without a doubt, but still the surrounding evidence points otherwise.

Through Your servant You have said that you do not deprive,  that Isaacs are taken away for Abraham's sake - not to deprive but to bless but would you fault me if i asked "if this was just a placebo?" i do feel like major deprivation. Joy does not surround me, grief does. Happiness doesn't hold my hand, disappointment does. Am i disappointment merely because i expected You to work in a certain way? Maybe i did, or maybe i misinterpreted Your word. If such is the case, please accept my humble apology, because i do not know how else - how else to view this. When i read and hear how others are blessed - blessed with their desires and i look at myself, it breaks me. i am told to not ask for personal desires or expect - yet many others do and receive, it breaks me.

i admit that my past decisions have echoing consequences, and this i have to bear. Would it be too much if You would reach down and correct the past mistakes? i know you can, but would You? i have seen Your hand in restoring the silly mistakes i made - Yet even when i say that, it appears that i am cursed with Necrotic Touch. What i put my hands to, withers and dies but i hear and read others testifying of your abundant blessing.

In closing
i do not feel You close at all, although Your word says You are
i experience partiality, though Your word says You aren't
grief and disappointment rest on my shoulders, when Your word says "Goodness and Love follows me..."
heart brokenness and tears constantly visits me, when Your word says "Abundant life ..."
futile labor are my rewards when Your promises are "pressed down shaken about ..."
crushing loneliness befriends me when even Your first book says "companionship is Your will"

i am weary and distraught, yet i am to put up a front, to portray your goodness, and to carry on being 'normal'
despite the feelings, unrealized desires, perspectives, shattered dreams, and ridicule from men - i still choose to follow You. Many days i look to You and just ask You to mend my heart - because it's the only thing i feel worthy of asking that isn't selfish.

Tonight is no different.

and i still choose You


Job 1:21 "the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD"

green grass

They say that ‘the grass is greener on the other side’. Well yeah, we always want that which we cannot have. Others want the freedom of singlehood, while here we battle loneliness and rejection.

Spent a fair bit of time with kt today, explaining a lot of things. Irrespective of how many times i bring it up again, i always feel inadequate to advise on relationships, love and marriage. Even in saying so i had hoped i shed a bit of light in her situation. I don’t hold the solution to the problems that she faces, but hopefully there was enough insight given for her to make things go in the right direction.

It isn’t accurate to use one person as a sample data, but it seems (at least from this circle of friends) the current relationships that we know of aren’t doing all too well. There are those whom suffer in silence due to not fully knowing their partners. It’s a comparison between two ‘evils’. Loneliness & Rejection versus Strife & Conflicts. Yet one asks, which relationship doesn’t have differences? All of them do because here you have two very different and unique individuals.

game

"we only want what's best for you"
Ya sure you do. It seems that it is some sort of game to match make me as i seem to be the only poor sod around that's unattached. Pretty sure it's thrilling and fun to play match make and then to say once it's done "that was my work"

"Come and meet so-and-so. She's your type."

Face the fact. None of you know my type. None of you know exactly the past history and present environment. It may be fun and games for most of you, but if you knew the full extent of the rejection, ostracizing, heart break and tears involved, maybe you won't play this game.

Amidst this wicked sense of humor is a somewhat noble intention. Of course i see it - but it's not fun and games. Still one can turn around to question, whether or not i can be callous enough to laugh it off and make a huge joke out of it.

After what has happened - all those years? After what has been taken away - years that have gone and never to be replaced again? No, not a laughing matter at all.

cornered

i cannot ask for her
i do not think i deserve her either
there are so much red tape available
i do not want to keep asking, praying in the wrong method
yet the longing grows daily
yet the desire is insatiable
yet off and on grief visits again

i find myself unable to progress. Regression isn't an option either. That world has long behind and must not be delved into again. Yet there is no progress, no iota of indication or whatsoever.
Can't ask why, Can't ask specifically, Have to surrender because others lives are more important yet struggling with the insatiable.

i feel like a caged animal going into a frenzy. can't go front, nor back nor side.
Locked down.

elate

Despite the mundane daily routine, the lack of interesting events or turnabout / life-changing events, feelings of elation off and on bubble up. Mentioned that it mostly comes when there is knowledge of her liking certain comments and/or replying.
Always remembered about the prayer request - yet am i shooting myself in the foot in trying to forget her? Or is it some twisted defense mechanism to prevent future hurt? The more i ponder upon it, it would be the latter.
We've already decided to just take the shot. After all "You miss 100% of the shots that you do not take"

Fear is there - won't deny it. After years of rejection, it doesn't lessen the fear, maybe even amplifies it.

Still pretty much at square one. Absolutely no clue regarding how she feels. At the same time battling hard to maintain a positive outlook - don't bull rush and automatically think no.

At any rate the game plan is to maintain status quo: The Maker's business above all else. Whatever dreams or desires that are personal are irrelevant.

High WarLord! General seeks audience - in truth slightly more than audience; companionship

moving on?

in the end, things did work out. Not because of my own doing, but because of the restorative work of The Maker. All credit goes to the maker. Least that is one thing good that happened.

Apart from that things have been rather mundane. We're still under fire from Walkabout. The damage admittedly now isn't as devastating. I suppose one can say the mindset and paradigm shift is working?
But even saying that, thoughts still at times run overdrive.

i can be at ease and nonchalant about things (or pretend to be) but as soon as she appears, you can expect all the soppy feelings and description to flood in. Many times i wonder whether this rush is just going to be like the other rushes. It comes suddenly, stays for a while, creates a gaping ache and then dissipates leaving behind painful memories and unanswered questions

Can i be at fault for thinking "why would this be different?" Have i turned so cynical or should i still become the hopeless romantic, bounding after the rainbow?

Daily. Every day i wish that You would grant me more insight; specific instructions, actions or path to take with regards to all these - even if it meant if i were to fly solo until the day i die, any form of clear indication would really help

But such isn't the way to please The Maker. Faith and Trust is required - Faith ... Believing despite the obvious lack of evidence.

necrotic touch

Not wanting to sound self-pitiful but honestly, there are those whom are cursed with what we call Necrotic Touch whatever i do not only doesn't work out or bear fruit, it backfires / backlash.

Apparently Operation Four Roses backlashed and backlashed bad. The people whom i would have thought would most likely understand the intention did exceptionally well in misinterpreting it. Not only did it cause trouble for the recipients, but looks like it has also severed ties with them. Well done!

The thing is some people complain that the world is a big bad place, where everyone is selfish and cold. When random acts of kindness comes knocking at their door, they bitch about it and slam the door close. Following that they complain again, the world and people out there are horrible.

It is times like that when one asks, "Why bother?" whatever actions done out of good intentions - futile and backlashes ... why bother?

colossus smash

who would have thought? The event was supposed to be a joyous event, a house warming. Yet due to circumstances it was like a nail driven home.

Colossus Smash: "Smashes a target for 150% weapon damage plus 120 and weakens their defenses, allowing your attacks to entirely bypass their armor for 6 sec."

The amount of hurt was indescribable.  Tried hard. Everything that i read, not to focus on oneself, not to wallow in self-pity, to cure others first. I even prayed that i wouldn't think of her so much, to give me room to think of other and meet their needs. After all, i am unworthy of her. Maybe i might write to Chuck, and see where i have gone wrong. For now, tonight they fall again because it is unbearable.
Indeed it is crushing loneliness and the knowledge of unrequited affection


Yet remember, we don't ask why anymore. No more expecting or "demanding". No more Santa Claus prayers, no more envy


Just overwhelming feeling - Crushing Blow

it's not you

Despite the freedom, Walkabout's presence does not diminish. Not asking why, not having the mindset of "why not me" "i deserve" doesn't remove the effect of Walkabout

Not much is given on how to deal with it save to cure other's loneliness.
So that is it then, all power to shields - stop focusing on self and roll out

Today marks the first day of Operation Four Roses. We didn't get the send the fifth, perhaps it is too fast and will really mess things up. Four will do for now.

no more

no more asking "why me?"
no more feeling left out
no more feeling any form of entitlement
no more feeling bittersweet
no more "give me"

much has changed and much of it could be attributed to Chuck Gallozi's writings. Indeed i can echo Grom Hellscream's words "i.am.free"

no doubt the crushing loneliness still lurks, but we move on now, more than ever out to aid more people.

Project "Four Roses" is already in motion. Here is to seeing how it works out!
Project "Love In Action" approved!

you don't know

Out of sheer randomness, searching "Why did God make me ugly" revealed several interesting sites. Most of them especially the Christian ones will repeat ad-infinitum the promises and how beauty is only skin deep, but i challenge them. Do they really know what type of agony some of us go through?

Crushing Loneliness as described by darkstar - Crushing Loneliness

For those that had relationships that didn't work out - don't say that you understand - you do not
At least once upon a time someone, somewhere desired you enough to be your partner.

For those whom have too many options or suitors for lack of better word - don't say too that you understand - because there exist and as clear as broad daylight; people that desire you

but for some of us ... it remains ... a dream? even dreams come true (at times) more accurately, a fantasy
You don't really know - so do not go around and say "Cheer up" "It's OK" "In the end it will work out" and the whole hoohah.


you do not know

reunion

family reunion were never really enjoyable. Maybe there were years ago but as time goes by, it is a constant reminder of my failure. It is a constant reminder of the joy and happiness denied to Matriach and Patriach - due to my inadequacies.

reunion ...

in search of a song

Taken from mkb's writing:

" The way she is reflected in his eyes, the way they look at each other and begin to smile. The way one looks at the other when the other is looking away, and like the force of the gaze is enough to penetrate the skin, it pulls the other back, and eyes meet, and a smile plays on the corner of their lips like the faint first notes of an orchestra.

Without love we are singers in search of a song."Indeed I often feel as described - a singer without a song. There is just a feeling of incompleteness. At the same time everyone will say that The Maker is always sufficient, which is true - but there is a level of intimacy that can only be expressed toward a partner - that is different than toward a God.

"singer without a song" maybe in this case it would be an instrument without a song - since I can't sing for jack diddly.

To the best of my knowledge, I would say I am prepared. There definitely are kinks to be ironed out and refined - doesn't everyone else have those? Yet for the most part, the important elements are ready. Now all that is left is to find a song to play to. One moment renewed hope comes into play and there is a confidence that eventually there will be a song.

The very next day, the same renewed hope can just disappear as quickly as it appeared. Day in and day out are constant reminders - constant real life, cold hard evidence of the reality of things.

The crushing blows is that each time certain individual appears, there are even more cold hard facts that are unfavourable - whether it is the difference of faith or age gap or what nots.

The entire thing just feels like a reality TV show where events are always orchestrated to create drama, suspense, and others just to keep the audience watching - at the expense of the actor.

Definitely today the longing is greater than usual, especially with the aforementioned quotes and even Lewis' quotes, yet even as there is that acknowledgement, we can't succumb under fire.
Got to press on, somehow - just got to hold on from the onslaught.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

- C S Lewis

just one

i stand here today not looking at my unmet desires, not looking at my own suffering but looking beyond myself.

Matriach is aging and many - too many telltale signs have and are rearing it's ugly head.

Before she is taken back to You, The Maker, is one request too much to pertition? 

"Allow her to see, nuture and hold izzy before You take her home"

allow me this one redemption, to give back to her, just one ... please

tribute

CS Lim. You've showed me kindness, when no one else did. Be it that the gesture was tiny, and even so the amount was small - it was enough to leave a deep footprint.
Rest well in The Maker's embrace. Someday we will meet again - without the curse of sin.

exceedingly, abundantly

although we may not speak anymore, i read with joy that mkb has really, truly moved on since her cataclysm. What more, it was a delight to know that she obtained a job, and on top of that fits her schedule and needs perfectly. In addition to that it encourages her to attend church and allows her to carry out her favourite past time.

Truly; truly it is exceedingly and abundantly more than she could ever imagine. It is indeed such delight to read that after such an excruciating and traumatic event, she clawed up and carried on. So devastating the effect of her heartbreak that it resonated and well, somewhat affected third parties such as myself. Acceptance; it will be something i have to accept mostly due to my insolence and insensitivity.

Looking over the fence again sparked renewed hope. No longer are we Chandala – yet again it is déjà vu. We always look and see at others. Maybe, just maybe things are at a standstill because of self-imposed limitations. We’re going to do something this evening seeing that it is Friday. We are going to surrender the curses.

No more kuetkatsu

No more “Songsang”
No more.

without sounding selfish, but claiming promises; “The blessings of The Maker, breaks all curses”

This is what we are going to do tonight – Being free, truly free from the haunting nightmares.

matriach

nights like this are always good as it is spent with matriach. The presence of these age old yet unexplainable capital ships just bring about renewed hope & wisdom.
In not so many words, though said numerous times, trust and faith

Medical Frigate, all systems normal.  Heading out

the prayer

It needs to be written down here as a milestone, if anything were to happen with hwl, it is because Sister Petrina stood in the gap one Friday, 14th Jan 2010.

no words

there are not enough words to express what has happened over the past 2 days. Friday and Saturday itself, two days could almost make all those months of tears and ache seem like nothing.
Pleasant surprises indeed, not one but several. Yet one wonders whether my tokens are used up in exchange. Do i again have to sit through more of those to exchange for similar events, but now on a longer time line?

Pretty much back at square one again. A lot of hope, too much emotions - hefty amount of skepticism and cynicism, yet trying very hard to hope. Realism digs it's claws in here too and again too many reasons work against rather than for. Is history going to repeat itself again? Should i expect another 6 more months of reprise again to end in more heart breaks? i pray and hope not. At this rate it is going to be an annual thing.

But i guess looking too far into the unknown future is bad. It develops worries and concerns that  aren't practical. If i were to let worry and what-ifs take control, i wouldn't have even spoken to her on Friday.

This is Med Frigate reporting, for once - in a long long time since the last, all systems green

a christmas prayer

Captain?
Yes Madeline?
He's here?
Who?
The Maker

********************************

There are no words to describe what has happened for today alone. Just one day alone. Amidst the handful of favorable outcomes, one outshines them all - the christmas prayer. It came late, no denying it, but in the end it arrived. One can only look back and see, perhaps the timing (now) is indeed better than back then

More than first contact - now rapport has been established with her! hwl What more - she agreed to the proposal for the short.
So many thoughts got triggered because of it, could it be because Sister prayed for a partner during altar call?
or could it really be Legend?

Whatever it is, in order not to hurt oneself again, this has to be taken slowly and without expectations - again

I only stand here baffled, shell-shocked only being able to mutter:

Thank you for the increament
Thank you for the conversation with mw
and most of all, thank you for the Christmas Prayer

the porcelain bird

Captain.Yes Madeline
She's hereWho?
Missle Cruiser darkstarWhat's she doing here?
Bombarding Walkbout's escorts

***************************************

Hindsight is always 20/20 vision -pneoxian. Yet the problem is reaching the point where one can see the hindsight. Both knight and porcelain bird analogies are indeed apt, but one has to wonder whether they apply?

i do not have the same conviction as he does, but i suppose this is where trust will come in.
some day. some day one can only hope with 20/20 vision all these will be worth it

hope ... dare i?

operation wesley

the one saving knowledge of semblance of good thing that happened, is that Operation Wesley went very well. Good on chels and za, both did well and for that one can be proud. Our work is done for now, back to the standard onslaught.

We've just only been repaired up, and now heavily damaged again but this time - this time it was all self-inflicted due to your own stupidity.

no shit sherlock

Seen on youtube comment for Chris Brown's With You


"xxx number of people do not have that special someone to spend time with"


no fucking shit sherlock

no surpises:monologue

No fucking surprises isn't it? One golden chance, blew it all to hell.
Where did i go wrong?
You're wrong. Keep hoping - it only gets dashed and now suffer the consequences of it. You have no one else to blame

mix

Oh ... my friggin head
Welcome back captain
What did i miss?
We were nearly obliterated by the blast
How bad was the damage, the ship still looks alright to me
It was a 10 day repair
Repair? ... by whom?
Time
Oh ... them again. How long was I out for?
10 days
Sheesh, what's our current status?
En route to ktt, our new project

**********************************************

on mix feelings and mixed events. Without any warning nor foreknowledge, first contact with hwl was established, all thanks to pneoxian. It was Calvaryland project initially but somehow, an idea sprung up and first contact was made.

The stages are still very very very early - way too early to say anything at this point of time. One can only hope again - hope that things just flow and go well.

Zero One - Zero Two

***** Zero One what's your status
Just about finishin up here
Took us long enough to fix her up this time eh
Time's always on our hands
We are time
Ha-Ha yeah that never gets old
You know, this time round was as bad as the previous round
You don't say! Shorter period but the extent of the damage
*whistle* I really thought it was gonna be FUBAR this time
Poor sod, forever under fire from that behemoth and her escorts. How does one escape ... is it even possible
Your guess is as good as mine
We .. uh better wrap up for good and leave, she's bearing in again for another volley
Yeah, don't wanna be caught in between this whole escapade


Hey do you think she'll ever escape that?
Hell if i know!
It's not fair - you know what i'm saying? The hell are you supposed to do against that?
...
That's what i thought too
Are ya done?
Yea I am
Let's GTFO