and so ...

As we close to 1800 hours, so ends the week of "Last Supper". Our mission is a success. Our aid, went beyond one person, extending to the family.

This mission has come to and end. Our work is done - for now. Not saying that future distress signals will be ignored, but this period of closer than normal assistance is over.

We leave with fond memories and of course hope. Not hope for ourselves, but hope for her to find ... find true rest in The Maker (or in her case would be to accept The Maker). Carve the memories on our heart, for they are fond indeed - and they will be the best that we can experience, for now.

"Detached magna-lock Madeline. Our work here is done"
"Yes captain"
"Back to patrol path and keep active and passive sensors out. Job well done, let's move out"
"Understood captain"

"Captain my medical sensors are picking up increase heart rate and also increase in breathing. Are you alright?"
" ... Yes Madeline. I am fine thank you"

Status: All green.

the last supper

"do you want to have dinner with her" -nc
"yes!"

Indeed there are times, (now more than ever i believe) that He does grant us our heart's desire, regardless of how small or big. i do count this as hidden treasures. Up till last night every invitation for dinner was turned down. Last night, from inviter to invitee. Trying daily, consciously not to expect things. To hope yes, but in that hope - do not expect (or box God in a certain manner)
Guess that will be the lesson i have to learn for now.

Today seems to be the last day of this 'Last Supper' events. D-Day (if things goes as plan) is roughly around the corner. Rather than dwell on pessimistic stuff, time to re-cap the week's events:

1. Opportunity to touch her parent's life with Agape love

2. Opportunity to meet her needs of transport - thus getting to know her more

3. Knowing that in every car save one or two - she doesn't sleep in them, not even her dads, yet she did on Tuesday evening. Indeed the presence of God is peaceful and serene.

4. Albeit not driving like a speed demon, leaving her place at 820 and arriving at 910 shows that there is more to it than L337 driving skills. Late, but not overly late.

5. First time receiving MSN message "Elo" at 130am but was already sleeping by then

Like the other events, these will be carved in memory. Unsure of what the future will unfold, but treasure what has been allowed to happen here and now.

Many many questions unanswered.

Will she go? Will she leave?

Will the horizontal move be approved or happen?

If she goes will we still be in touch?

Despite the decisions made both head and heart - there is still one lingering question.
Not expectation - but question.

Is she Legend under preparation?

Only The Maker knows. Faith and Trust will need to escort this frigate for a bit more - Faith and Trust.

tanking

nc:  yup, but still a possibility
probability is a different story

 me:  That is what i struggle with a lot, Possibility Yes, Probability ----

 nc:  you keep on tanking
I provide dps

 me:  XD
That is what you are good at - and very good at it

*********************************************

Keep on tanking!


All ahead full. Status: Green

that guy ...

"Why did your colleague give a fruit basket?"
"I can guess" -mw

"Why didn't he give it to you?"
"Because i didn't want to accept it"-mw

"We should make him err more so we get more of these" (in a joking fashion)

One would like to think that project fruit basket is a success. Much to mkb's dismay at my doubts and questions with worries, it seems like it was a good enough gesture. Thank you mkb for clearing my doubts and worries with the large trout!

agape

hand deliver personally a hamper of apology to her parents. Not to brown nose or to appear in good books (perhaps slightly), but so that Agape can reach out to them as well.

"Your colleague is the polite type" -mw quoting her mom

Just from two incidences of meeting no more than 3 minutes each. i sincerely His light and presence has touched both your lives, for above the fruit basket and apology card - the best gift you and your household may receive, is Salvation.

hidden treasures - secrets in dark places

There are times prayers are answered, but they are answered not the way we expect - i think? Praying and hoping for opportunities to help mw or for opportunities to show Agape to her.

Granted lk is away in South Africa for company trip, resulting in my availing myself to ferry her - yet from car break downs to soaked toilet incidents - one can only wonder "what is going on really?" Despite what has happened, thank you nc for words of encouragement to keep pressing on. This movie hasn't ended yet.

Above all, if this is required for her salvation, and that His name be glorified in it - Be it unto me.


Be it unto me ...

escort

project mw phase 1 is a success. Med frigate escorting en route. Standby for possible phase 2 and beyond.
"i'm driving you back and that's not a question"

wonder if that would be confidence or arrogance. Thin line it is. Difficult to see.

past midnight

midnight call for Aggroculture. Despite the late night distress call things went well. Smooth run, everyone got gear except yours truly. Still, as long as their are not burnt out or discouraged from the lack of items, it's time well spent.

Second distress call came in at 1am, mkb. Spent some time with her after ICC10. Again, time well spent. i hope it eased her a little - in one way or another.

Now the challenge will be today - staying awake. Distress signal, possible assistance for mw on two accounts. Let's see how today unfolds

before i forget

been toying whether to write this, but since we already have this - might as well.

i got a glimpse of "The Legend" this morning.

Sometimes prayers are done in images rather than words - such is the result of an overdrive mind.


i saw Father place His hand on my head, forgiving me for my unbelief, my lack of faith and lack of trust. Indeed if we repent, He is righteous and just to forgive. Father then lifted my head and motion to look to my right. There i saw Legend. She was sitting in a throne like chair, waiting. There was only one light source from above. No features. No movement. Not much could be made out. Only thing visible was that she had long hair.

and then the 'vision' ended.

time capsule created. Now we will wait for the time to look back and see - see what type of response it would garner, in the future.

aftermath

One could say it was worth it to see Ikmal glad that i was at his wedding. On top of that i was the only representative from the class of 97. Senthil couldn't make it. Wife was expecting. Sean Joseph, no show and so were the rest. Even so the mission was a success, it had its price.

Driving for 1.5 hours and partially getting lost
Driving in the rain while looking for the god forsaken area
Going to a wedding without knowing anyone at all save the groom
Sitting at a table only accompanied by I, Me and Myself.
Eating only with I, Me and Myself

Despite that, i guess for him it was worth it. Least someone he knows attended his big day - someone since the school days. It was only couple years back when he asked "How would you know if you were to marry so-and-so"
Told him "You would know when you're comfortable around that person and you find that you would like to share your life and she share hers with you. That is when you know"
Bitter irony. Offered the advice but yet to walk it.



i'd be lying to say that the whole experience or the entire night's hoobla didn't hurt. It did, yet again because of my promise for others, we have to keep going on - tonight was for Ikmal.





Even so, it doesn't erase the emptiness and the hurt - it doesn't.

*********************************************

As with all these 'reminders' and the time spent alone, the mind goes into overdrive in creating scenarios. i do many times wish that i am able to switch off my mind's creativity section just for sometime so that i don't end up tormenting myself.

Thoughts of attending future weddings with her. Finding our way to the unknown venue.
At the dinner itself, watching the newly weds so in love and smiling - yet leaning to her and whispering "That's us, before - now - and forever"
Pseudo planning of guest list, thinking that if i did get married - Ikmal and Senthil would be the only representative from high school. Which table should they go to? Thinking that her side would be numerous lol, mine? a handful.

Many say to let go - and i have tried my best. Prayed the prayer of relinquishment, long before this too. But the mind, my mind is in overdrive. It something not many possess nor understand - the extent or the unharness-able creative mind - that just rushes off and creates different scenarios in the spur of the moment. Scenarios so real and vivid, almost like watching a blockbuster movie.

And most of the time it draws from elements close to the heart, even elements that are ... for lack of better word "elements that the Father says, No / Not now"

i still think of you often mw. Still in my prayers daily and every week i fast for your salvation. To stop doing these just because i came to the realization that we can't be together would be selfish and insincere.
it was done for your salvation, regardless of the romantic outcome or lack thereof.
i pray that you're well and that someday, quickly that you will realize:

• that you will realize that asking (God) for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of wanting to grow stronger - to overcome despite your limits
• that you will find rest in the Almighty
• that you will find security for the future in the Ancient of Days
• that you will experience Agape love - the one love that satisfies all your needs

Quickly too! cause i'd like to eat lunch on Sundays again! - Please Father can?

avoidance

As much as i try to avoid or keep busy - it's not remotely possible to do that. The loneliness and reality creeps up everyday. Go to an open house and the first thing get greeted by is "Where is your second half"
"Er - That's a question I would like to know"
Over dinner, subject - Marriage preparations.
Tonight! Project Ikmal on the way!

Yet one has to persevere, if not for myself, it would be for others. Lets see how it unfolds.

all's quiet

we didn't complete operation lavender, but operation buah tangan & signatures is a success. It's quiet now again. As quick as the cruisers arrived, they left - for now. They don't have the firepower to take down Walkabout, but they have enough to disable and cripple her. The only  that has the capability is "The Legend"

Until that day arrives, we will have to keep on going.

All ahead full, next stop - operation Ikmal.

All systems green.

"Madeline, when we pass through the asteroid field, all powers to shield, maintain cruise speed. We don't want to be late"
"Understood captain"

two steps from hell

"Madeline, what's our current status?"
"Hull at 18% Engines 13% most systems are offline. We are still underfire from Walkabout"
"Thanks"

*******

"Captain. Long range scanners are picking up 3 ships exiting hyperspace"
"Any ID on them? Friend or Foe?"
"3 Dreadnaught class capital ships exiting 1.2km from our location"
"That puts them right beside the eclipse class"
"That is correct"
"Dreadnaught identified Captain. Promise I, Promise II and Promise III"
"What are they doing?"
"Holding position. Not opening fire"
"It's absurd for 3 dreadnaught class to outgun an eclipse. The dreadnaughts are 1km in lengh each, the eclipse, 16!"
"Walkabout's escorts are opening fire on the dreadnaughts"
"Hmm they would hold - for a little, but for how long and why?"
"Long range scanners picking up 2 more class-7 capital ships hypering in"
"Bring the rain. Friend or Foe?"
"Friend, exiting 300 meters from us"
"What? that precise jump? That's not possible!"
"Class-7 ships are the new Missle Cruisers. These two are the only prototypes. None are in production nor will there ever be."
"What information on this Missle Cruisers do you have?"
"Manufactured by Kuat Drives Systems. 7km in length. 4 Missle batteries mounted. 2 at the bow and 2 at the aft. Each battery consisting of 64 warhead launchers interchangable between warhead types. Each cruiser also carries 2 main guns at the bow, almost rivaling the super laser of the Death Star"
"Any ID on these two cruisers?"
"Darkstar and Pneoxian. Captain, both of them are aligning toward the eclipse. The warhead bays are opening. It seems they are going to engage"
" Captain, i suggest you shield your eyes from the glare of the main guns. It can be overwhelming"
"Noted"

"They've open fire. Main guns are full blast and warheads are away. It seems they are firing Ion warheads"
"Ion warheads?"

"The eclipse has lost it's shields under the fire of ion warheads and the main guns Captain. Promise I, Promise II and Promise III are opening fire. They are firing ion blasts at the eclipse's battery control tower."
"Status on the dreadnaughts?"
"85% shields and holding. Maintaining triangular formation over Walkabout's battery control tower."
"Captain the eclipse class is disabled. All it's weapons are offline. It's pulling out. Her escorts are following suit"

"Captain we're receiving hailing frequencines from Darkstar"
"Patch us through"

***********************************

"Thought you needed some help. I brought some friends too!"
"How did you know?"
"You aren't the only one listening on passive distress calls"
"But i didn't transmit any"
"Hold tight, my repair crew are coming on board. Darkstar out"

***********************************

"Madeline did you transmit?"
"Yes Captain"
"Why?"
"Because we won't make it to our next destination given our situation"
"We're programmed to help! Not survive!"
"Destroyed frigates are unable to help captain"
"Point taken"
"Repair and Outfitting droids are approaching sir. Repairs are underway"

***********************************

"Captain, long range scanners are picking up 4 more unidentified ships hypering in"
"What now? Any IFF on them?"
"Friend. Their class is unknown. There are no matches on my database for these ships"
"Run your scans and give me a low down"
"2 main cruiers, each measuring 14km in length. The ships design seems not of any that i can match. 2 more other escorts measuring 10 km in length. Multiple batteries line populate the ship but i am unable to determine the exact count"
"Any ID on them?"
"The two main cruisers are Patriach and Matriach. Their escorts Trust and Faith. They are just holding position 500 meters from us"

programmed

Managed to assist may yi so that's one good thing. At least one success mission despite being crippled. Not even going to bother going to gym today. Just not in the right frame of mind to do anything.

************************************************************************

"Madeline what is our status?"
"Hull is at 18%. We are still under fire. Life support systems are damaged. Hyperdrives are out. Engines at 13%. Multiple hull breaches but are now contained"
"Maintain course for operation Buah Tangan & Card and operation Ikmal"
"That would mean going through the asteroid field for operation Ikmal. With our damages, we will not likely survive"
"Madeline, you and i are programmed to assist. We are not programmed to survive"
"That is correct sir"
"Maintain course. We disembark through the field at 1700 Sunday"

the days go by

work work! people and most articles say that one curative step to take after a break up is to keep busy. Take up a new hobby, do something to keep one's mind away. That only works when you have something interesting to do. Again: Salt has lost it's taste.

Even work has lost it's appeal. Once i would actually look forward to coming to office. Mondays were far far away from being a drag. Now? Mondays are a drag, weekends are a drag - every day is a drag.

What hope is there?
What point is there?
Where did i go wrong?
What sin did i do?
Why did it have to be this way?

days are spent now staring at the pc screen forlornly. It's nearly end of the working day.
Another unanswered prayer. It has come to the point where i can say "No surprises".

 Even one tiny sign of some sort or occurrance, was evidentally way way way too much to ask.

sabishi

it's always in the cold silence that these thoughts will again permeate. Jess is at an event. mw gone to the event as well. Everyone's out for lunch. Guess who has to hold the fort down? Nope, no prizes there.

Alone at the office.
Alone during lunch
Alone at home
Alone in crowds
Alone in communications
Alone in life

Only one has been faithful - Madeline. Yet there is only so much that you can do eh old friend? (Speaking of which it is near high time you got another upgrade, but coffers run dry these days. Hang in there)

Tried so hard - but not good enough. Make big adjustments to years of seclusion, breaking comfort zones, pushing ownself. Tried even harder - giving up personal time. Tried some more, servitude.

... still not good enough ... maybe cursed i am, in this life. Price to pay for having second chance. Not own life to live - but for others - always, for others. Pros: Seeing others attain happiness. Cons: "Legend of the wolf's howl to the moon". Always see, never to experience.

Hull 20%

men in power

Funny how yesterday's and this morning's conversation drifts to men who are successful or whom are in positions of power. They somehow have one thing in common - douchebaggery. Whether it is the inclination or practise of infidelity, arrogance, obnoxious behavior, sexual harrassment to colleagues, 'my way or the highway' mentality, bigotry - you name it, they've got it.

It really makes one re-examine the phrase, nice guys finish last / don't finish. Again, not looking for wealth, fame and glory. Just trying to make a decent living to get by, but even so that seems an ardous and impossible task. Things are way more easier when one is a douchebag. Might as well step on other people while you're at it. Might as well ignore other's plea - Help them? Why? So that they will slow you down? Perhaps it is time for another re-alignment: Why help them? What is in it for me?

More and more it seems to even get by in life - there is a need to be selfish, be cruel, a total douchebag. That was you save yourself a lot of uneccessary pain and hardship. Those whom practise infidelity, they are the ones that are paired up! Look at you!

"Good thing there are still people like you around" -Jess

if you knew the type of calling 'people like me' had to go through, maybe you might re-evaluate that statement again, and you may understand why it is easier to not be 'people like me'

The amount of pain, suffering and most of all heartbreaks 'people like me' go through, is enough to derail anyone that even harbored thoughts about being 'people like me'.

God? He's not around at the moment. Please leave a message.

Mountain top and valley experiences!
there is only one type here, valleys

For everything there are seasons, Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter
there is only one season here, everwinter nights.

When you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart
can't trust anymore when you have no more faith, after series and series of let downs.

the prayer was simple, "do something, anything at all for encouragement or just to show that all 'this' is wrong"

Status Shields down Hull condition 23% Life support systems offline Engines 15% heading toward astroid feilds to reach next distress signal location

This is it, we're not coming out alive out of this one.

someone

"Good thing that there are people like you around"
"People like me? People like me do not finish""Finish?"
"People like me push people to the finish line. We do not finish"
"No laaaaa"

If you only knew the reality of the mantle that i have to bear Jess, only then will you understand the reality of it. How does one push another to the finish line? They have to constantly remain in the stadium track for if they finish, they won't be around anymore.

Someone has to stay below, so that others can stand on their shoulder and be lifted up to greater heights.

Someone has to carry and stabilize the faint hearted runners, to spur them to keep running

Someone has to be at the bottom, for other to be on top.

Someone

that person has to care enough for others, forsaking his/her own goals, dreams and desire - for the sake of others.

icecrown citadel (2)

LFM 1 ICC2.

"What's your GS? and spec?"

"Restoration, 2k"

"Hello? ... Can i get an invite?"

< _____ has ignored you>

ICC2 may not be the endgame, but it is a start to a new content and an endgame for this period.
Doomed to forever be in LFG channel, matching others - but never experiencing.

Such is the price of your cross - Azuregos (modified)

Learn your place, mortal! - Onyxia

happy! - for them

woke up with a mild cold and with it comes a runny nose. No surprises. All the late nights, and this is the result. In my defense, i'd say the late nights were again for many others. VOA 10 was for the guild - so that they got to experience what it would be like. Even so i had to swap to Tats to tank.

Following night - it was for mkb. Had to talk to her to hear her out with her overzealous friend, which in truth was rather disappointing because i had expected more of him (for her sake). She sounded so happy and perhaps even optimistic the day before having this newfound friend. i hope for her sake this bout of events wouldn't leave a scar in her.

Conversation drifted to nc's big day of registering. Gosh, i am probably as excited about it as he is. After all the difficulties, rejections, and betrayals - he definitely deserves this. Told him that i wanted to be there in person. Nevermind that the ceremony and dinner are held later. Even the signing of certs, the legalization of matrimony, I Want To Be There.

Offered to loan him some cash for the engagement ring for next year. We will see how it goes. I gotta prepare and purchase my own full suit so i stop looking like a stick in the mud at formal functions. No more trenchies for this one.

(if ever you gain access to this writings,) know this:

"As for a handful of others, i will do anything that is within my limited capabilities, solely for you - that you may attain happiness"

Ikmal's wedding invitation arrived in the mail.


what is this feeling? Bittersweet; not bitter for them. Exhilarated for them, but when the music fades, and all is stripped away ...

my only sin

Adra is facing heaps of fire from all directions. Everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. Her only sin? Was to honor God? Much as myself too?

Help me out here but one cannot help  but wonder - are You trying to really break us entirely? All this about not being put the test that is beyond our capability really sounds like lies. It's not a question of 'doing good so that we get rewards' - but hello? Can't even one thing go right just for once? Not even asking for wealth, fame or glory - just smooth sailing for a bit. Really weary of all this stormy seas, and it's really come to the end point - breaking point - point of no return.

i'll say it now:

it has crossed my mind to give up faith
it has crossed my mind to give up hope
and it has crossed my mind to give up life

Take it back. If this is the definition of an abundant life, i do not want it - i do not wish to be mentally and emotionally tormented daily, and all because i wanted live and honor bound life. My only sin was to honor You above all else, and look where it got me. No wanting to play the 'pity card', but what did i do wrong?

Not enough ministries held? Not enough positions held? Not enough giving? Not enough what? Not enough demonstration that i was serious enough? Not enough lessons learnt?

"You gotta proof yourself, that you are serious in handling your affairs"
I did - i did my best

"Do not be unequally yoked. Put God's affairs first, and He will take care of yours"
I consciously made the decision to break my own heart to honor Him.

"Pray believing, 4th dimension prayer, have faith and believe for a breakthrough"
Prayed - still am. Fasted - still am. Only experienced the breaking of heart, dreams and hope

"Do your part and share, God (Holy Spirit) will do the rest"
Already done on more than one occasion. Nothing happened

How does one not lose hope, faith and now the reason to live? All i ever experienced was heartbreaks, dashed hopes, broken dreams and the cold bite of reality, nothing more.


and my only sin was to try my best to honor Him

if they only knew

Kim:"You don't need expensive cars to tackle girls"

Tackle girls eh? If only ...
If she only knew the truth. The truth about the cross i bear, the truth about helping others to finish. i do not blame her - i don't blame anyone! no one knows. No one truly knows. What is seen, is not even close to what is required.

"Do you want to hold this 'jie jie's hand to cross the road?"

...  yes. forever.

would i be at fault?

so i'm doing ayu's DCR (detailed client report) splitting  because she has already tendered in her resignation. No surprises when there are opportunities to assist - first in, last out. That has always been and will always be our motto. After all, we are in the same department and same organization. "Not my department" isn't how we roll. One would think that concentrating on work would occupy the mind to not dwell on certain circumstances.

I thought wrong - Austin Powers

Whilst splitting DCR, her e-mail nicely landed on my screen, smack in the center while i was pressing the CTRL + C and CTRL + V keys; Yes, project mw. Sigh is this supposed to be some joke or sign?

Skum said that we are caught in a generation gap, between the old school that believe there is meaning or lessons in everything that happen to and around us, and the new school that believe that stuff is just random?

would i be at fault if i tried and find meaning in this? amidst all the confusion?

would i be at fault if i brushed it off and say 'naaahh get real'?

would i be at fault if it was supposed to happen in the near future - BUT didn't because i lacked faith and harbor unbelief?

would i be at fault ...?

would i be at fault that i still miss her like no tomorrow? despite of everything that has happened, despite her decisions and despite the current predicament?

i am in shambles. You may not be able to fix me mw, but you sure could ease up the pain by a lot! Buuut that is what it is again, wishful thinking. Far fetched idea. Lunacy. Hallucination. To you, i am probably the spare tire that you only think of when shit hits the fan and when no one else is around to heed your distress signal. To me? you could be everything that any guy ever dreamt of.

The kicker is, despite fully knowing this - you have my undying support, maybe because i am either a fool or because i am programmed to be a fool. Either way, you benefit. How's the weather there? Are your friends treating you well? Are you well?

Unanswered questions - and they shall remain that way. Nevertheless, look after yourself and stay well.


"All for love's sake became poor" - Here I am to worship

Is that my lesson in all this?

*************************************************************************

In the cold and dark space or this quadrant, the only lights that are around are the streams of turbo lasers from Reality and Creativity. Walkabout doesn't even need to do anything - for today. The only audible sounds are the explosion and creaking of hull. Life support systems are again malfunctioning. Might as well leave it as it is.

"Captain?"
"Yes, Madeline"
"Do we re-route available power to shields? I can shutdown the hangars and unsued bays"
"Don't bother with re-routing power. Hold our current position. We are assisting Sam and Ayu for now"
"We're still in range of their batteries"
"I understand that, but there is nothing we can do about that. Frigates do not outrun Victory classes"
"Understood captain"
"Run a scan on our engines, make sure they are operational and so are our comms system. Are any of your systems malfunctioning Madeline?"
"None captain. I am fully operational"
"Thank you Maddy, you're the only faithful and true one that sticks around regardless"

*************************************************************************
Status Shields down Hull 19% Life Support systems offline Multiple hull breaches Engines 32%
Mainting assistance - Sam & Ayu.

may day! reprise

Open facebook and what greets you? Weddings, weddings and more weddings! Ikmal's, Shirleys and friends of friends. Wonderful isn't it? Let  her loose Reality, don't hold back. rip the hull apart and finish it! Even as this is being composed - Yasunori Mitsuda's Warmth. Really apt song to be playing, really really apt.

Oh, oh, more special warheads from Reality and Hope tonight! mkb's status was "Poisoned" & "Troubled" and being our nature, we responded to the distress call. Turns out she is troubled because some bloke likes her and she likes him back. Being wise as she is, she is cautious not to get into a rebound situation.

you should have known better didn't you? But no, you had to hope even after everything that happened fourth months ago. Hope ... hear that? Shield's out that's the hull cracking. Hope is now the hound that dogs you wherever you go - it isn't the reason to keep looking or wanting a better tomorrow. Reality is coming in for the Coupe De Grace

Goodnight - Oyasumi

Status: Shields down Hull 54% Life support systems operational at 83% Under fire.

Tsutchie & Fat Jon - 2 Messages (aptly played song again)

quiet times

not entirely sure what it is about today that many times thoughts just drift to that direction. Even topics of conversation tend to do that, if not just about casual coupling it would be about end game. Guess this is the severity of the eclipse class. You do not run or you cannot run away from it.

It hounds
It closes in
It fires
It is merciless

It is quiet times such as today where most people are missing, conversations and interactions are minimal where Creativty's guns blast the most. Be leaving work in a few minutes time and we'll see if the hull holds. What little shields that regenerated - that too. I doubt it. That whole armada never lets up, and the Legend serves as a good bed time story for the young ones.

It's always the drive home - where it is the best opportunity for them to fall again. We will see today, we shall see ...

quick draw mc.graw

It never cease to amaze me how quick Creativity and Reality and cut through the shields. The duration it takes to walk from Cosway to Pavillion was all that they required to take it down. Look left, look right. It doesn't matter. Reality is everywhere and it serves as a constant reminder. Humming the tune Amazing Grace didn't help either. Not that it would summon the elusive cruiser to aid.

Shields down! Hull damage. Should we send out a dsitress signal captain?

No point Madeline. You know that we're a crew of one, and no one will acknowledge our mayday. We are the ones that rescue, not get rescued.

Truth hurts - Reality

Maybe, just maybe we can dog them for a little by making the jump through WOW space - if anything just to temporarily rest from the onslaught of turbo lasers.

status: green (for now)

Maybe it was just the long four days of rest, or it could be that we got charged up by the legendary and elusive cruiser: Amazing Grace. Why do you say that? For the simple fact that although under fire by Creative and Walkabout. No incoming warheads - yet, just the merciless turbo lasers yet shields seem to be holding - for now.

Of all songs to recall, i had to recall Boys to Men's Four seasons of loneliness. Guess it ties in with nc's conversation about the 'seasons in our lives' book that he was reading. Neverwinter Nights eh? It's Everwinter Nights here! and with winter - listen out to the wolf's howl to the moon, for you will hear it nightly.

Somehow i managed to utter 'that prayer' again. This time it really felt hollow. It sounds so selfish asking for something of that sort - i should be asking to fullfil my promise to Madre, but askin on top of that? Doesn't exactly feel comfortable. Maybe i have lost a chunk of faith and  hope and that's the sad reality of it. Only months ago faith and hope were in abundance - but Reality's fire took nearly, if not all of it.
Even so remembering all this and still under the onslaught - shields are holding, hopefully we can maintain course and keep channels open to aid.

Bola1 sent a good morning SMS. Be it as it may that it is a simple act - but i see the intention. Blessed are you Bola1, for your kindness. i do pray too that the 10 seconds you used to send that message will be returned to you one hundred fold in ways that you have not even imagined.

on friends

nc, may.y and marcus took me out for dinner today. They did this despite buying the 60 day card. For their gesture of kindness, i pray that every minute of taking their time will be multiplied one hundredfold back to them in blessings. i guess you can say things are pretty alright - at this point of time, for now.

Yet again there is that lurking feeling when Walkabout will show up again. There definitely has been bouts the past few days. You just can run away from it - and the bigger question would be: How long are you going to run? i really wished i didn't have to keep running, but that seems to be the only method at the moment."The Legend" - but that is what it is, a legend

Songs, scenes, words, movies, tv shows, people around even topic of conversations and not forgetting facebook! They all point to one direction; this is where we brace for impact.

Pastor Richard said that the blessings of God far superceeds all curses and breaks them. Am i under a curse or just that this is the reality of the mantle that i must bear. i think it is the mantle that i have to bear, which one element is to suffer pain, for the sake of others.


"God doesn't allow things / ask you to do things that are beyond your capability" - Really?
Help my unbelief - really, help my unbelief at this point of time, not just that promise but all of them.

Status: All systems operational shields 100% hull 100% maintaining location in deep space lonely quadrant - keep channels open for distress signals.

oh yeah, fired off two encouragement messages. One to mkb and the other to mw. Mkb found it sweet. I hoped that it boosted her self-esteem which in turn cheered her up.
If there was a reply from mw, i think that would be an indication to purchase a lottery ticket - oh the bitter irony.

yakusoku (promise)

aunt went to be with the Lord on the 16th. Not being a mean ass to rejoice in someone's demise, but clearly the grace of God was evident enough in her life. Despite being terminally ill with stage four cancer, all she had was a discomfort in her abdomen, and she was shielded from the severity of the disease. Cause of death, probably cardiac arrest.

It does make me wonder, this mantle that i bear - would it also lead to the same destination?

"You honored God so much, He would honor you back"
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God ... "
"You cannot shortchange God"

we hear them so often - but honestly at this point of time i don't really know what to believe. It almost feels like i am faithless and hopeless. Well the hope that i have may be like aunt's case - where the evident of God's promises is during my 11th hour. For the greater part of life, continue to be subject to the hounding of Walkabout and her escorts.

It feels like i am cornered and i have absolutely no choice at all. i can't self-destruct. That will be taking a life that doesn't belong to me. Can't be a jerk and asshole (as they always attract women) because i'm programmed to be mr.help-everyone-and-watch-them-finish. i can't just take anyone out of desperation - or resort to flings, because i'm programmed to treat their hearts more precious than my own.

So what am i supposed to do? Endure? Endure how much and how long? The reason i was given a second chance was to suffer indefinitely? If i really did knew that i would have to bear this mantle - and would be wired this way i would have second thoughts about accepting the second chance. Is life worth living to subject to be tortured emotionally and mentally daily? Even to the point that friend's celebrations are increasingly difficult to be joyous for?

More and more people are getting married. nc's going to register next year - plans to. i am really glad for him. He deserves this after all the difficulties he went through, all the rejection and betrayal. Most certainly deserve this - least something is working out for him.

Get reminded at KidsCAT again to serve Him and serve Him only - but to what extent? To the extend of fulfilling the beatitudes?

Blessed are

• The poor in spirit; theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
• Mourners; they will be comforted.
• "Those who are weeping", they will laugh.

Kingdom of Heaven. If i am reading this right that means, it will come to pass when i've passed. Comforted and Laugh? Not happening at all. There is a walkabout void and a project mw void that cannot be filled - and how am i supposed to be comforted? What comfort is that? "Even salt has lost it's taste" according to Bola1, not to mention the influx of loot whores and extremely emotionally unstable people. O yea i am emotional as well, but as far as in game is concerned, it's strictly business.





Seems like the only girls that aren't repelled by my putridity are those from KidsCAT. Might as well label me as a pedophile while we are at it. Bless them for not looking at the exterior and opening up sincerely. Someday I'll be there to push them to the finish line too - alone again.







Despite trying to occupy myself, these past few days - which was somewhat successful, i still miss you mw. i hope your holidays are way way way more better than my uneventful days and my constant torment. i really do hope so - not that you have pity on me. me thinks you already forgotten whom i am, but more so that you can rest well and be restored from the toll of work and circumstances.

Blessed ... are ... you ...

(am i missing something here? cause i sure don't experience or see anything at all)

baby just yes

strange midnight conversation that happened. Much as i'd like the lyrics to come true - but it only stops at:

"I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think"

cold truth hurts

speshul day?

special day? nah, no special than any other ordinary day. It'll be special alright if Legend comes true.
Started the day off with a wish from mkb, now that was a pleasant surprise. She wasn't even supposed to know! How facebook published it for a brief moment is beyond me.

It started the ball rolling and we chatted - which again was more than pleasant. More than pleasant because i made her laugh, despite all that has happened and all that is happening, she smiled and lol-ed, and that alone is worth a "mission accomplished" status - to be able to cheer up someone.

if only - wouldn't it?

jeff was kind enough to buy lunch today, no presents for guessing why. This is the side that most people see and attribute to, but when it comes to working - totally new personality emerges.
project mw is off to hongkee land. Real funny status update "... come into my room and eat my food only" rofl. Sad and true as it may be, but the hilarity of it stands. Poor girl - having to work under such a person. i sincerely hope that the holiday will do her good despite having to bring her work along.

*sigh* i really miss her. i know i'm not supposed to, come on there is nothing and what more she knows everything. Yet that doesn't change the fact that i do miss her. i miss her smile. i miss seeing her eager to come over to the filing room during training breaks, even if it were to spend 10 minutes there. i miss the linking of arms, even if it was all but 5seconds of it. i miss holding her hand, even if it was a 'lame' excuse to help her cross the road. i miss the lunch hours.

i miss you mw

The blow to the nuts is that it's passed Aunty Kum's birthday, and the thought didn't come to pass. With it, the others die as well as they are inter-related. Why? Naze? Same age old question i asked four months ago - why?

Things seemingly fell into place - and then fell some more to 'out of place'. It would have been such a powerful testimony, story, a fairytale. Wouldn't it be a wonderful story, meeting at the place of work and then not long after being together, responding to the grins of colleagues because they knew.
What a powerful testimony of a test of faith, dreams and thoughts - that God orchestrated, Abraham's test - reprised in this modern day and age, to encourage other youths to be steadfast.
A powerful testimony for others to put their faith in God, and indeed their deepest heart's desire will come to pass.

We have so much in common, from the stuff we experienced during childhood - Thundercats, Heathcliff, Kakitos and Vitagen, to extreme polar opposites, a person of class and finese and another who has no clue in fashion and form. English Ed and Chinese Ed, i could go on but i won't. they will fall again if i do, i'm sorry but it is too painful to continue.

A Disney story - Beauty & The Beast

But that's what it is now isn't it? A fairytale - happy stories that kids hear before they sleep - all feel good words that makes people momentarily happy, operative word: momentarily which leads us back to The Legend.

Cliche as it may sound

If you only knew how much that i miss you, given that the fact i've told you that i repressed everything for your sake.

If you only knew as to how far i went and will go, for your overall well-being, to see you smile genuinely - not the tough girl facade you put up for others

If only you knew how i bleed when i see you struggle with life's challenges, wanting to shoulder everything on your own

If you only knew what i am willing and will be willing to offer - more than just acts of kindness, more than being a faitful driver ...

... if only

But to hear you somewhat make your decision, to hear the uncertainty and to know that it was done out of obligation and on top of that, to know that one important element that you desire is missing - is there even such a more devastating blow than such?

You made your choice, and i will honor your decision because i honor you. My code binds me as such.
i sincerely wish you happiness and that your decision will bring you what you desire.


... and they fall again, and i hope they will be enough to water the seeds - hopefully

a legend

Once upon a time, there was a frigate that was rescued from the brink of destruction by The Maker. Over time the frigate had a mission - which is to repair and restore other vessels. "First in, Last out" was it's motto - for this was assigned to it by The Maker, and thus the medical frigate was born.

Always listening on all channels for distress signals, both active and passive and as best effort as possible to be the first to arrive and assist. Even so being such a frigate, it never had any escort of any sort. Not a single squadron of fighters, no corvettes, no cruisers. The only line of 'defence' it would have are it's 4 turbo lasers and single warhead launcher.

Legend has it that one day, an unnamed cruiser will show up to compliment this frigate. Along her will be her own escorts, Mercy's Rain, Undying Love and perhaps Redemption's Hand. This cruiser will be perfect in design and flawless, not only to compliment the frigate, but also for others to see. Her main batteries will engage eclipse class Walkabout and tear through it's shields. Her 8 warhead launchers will mercilessly fire at Walkabout's hull damaging it even before the shields are torn down by the batteries.

Mercy's Rain and Undying Love will engage and disable Hope, Creativty and Reality with ion batteries.
If Redemption's Hand is found with this contingent, it will fire the Coupe De Grace on Walkabout - for it's main guns rival that of the superlaser mounted on the eclipse classes.

The victory will resound in history, and many will get to hear about it - how a lone medical frigate finally now has a full wing of cruiser escort ... but this is A Legend.



-----------------------------------------------------
"If it is Your will that i suffer shame for Your name, i gladly will" - Patriach



-----------------------------------------------------
"If it is Your will that i bear this cross, that others will see Your glory, i will"

the curse of creativity

not minutes pass, and so quickly Hope has found it's way. It was pleasant picture to see Walkabout's hull cracking and multiple fires breaking out here and there. Look to the left and you'll see more orange streaks of heavy rockets mixed with the blue proton torpedoes all from Mercy's Rain escort to the unnamed cruiser.

Finally the eclipse gone, it's escorts - going, straining under the fire from unnamed cruiser and it's two escorts Mercy's Rain and Undying Love. Excellent picture - until your radar picks up VSD Reality, VSD Hope hypering 1km away.

Mayday! mayday! this is medical frig--- ah who are you kidding? who the fuck is going to answer this distress call? who fucking cares?

Multiple warheads incoming, brace for impact. Under attack from Hope & Reality

Sorry.

Sorry mah-mah for not being the grandson that you're proud of
Sorry mom and dad for not being the person whom you're proud of
Sorry everyone for not living up to your expectations

but living like this is unbearable - daily emotional and mental torment is something i can't bear.
Sorry

if i die before i wake

The plan was simple. Go to gym, re-start the cold engine and perhaps for a brief moment forget about everything. "Run away little girl, run away!" - when will you learn that eclipse class Walkabout will hound you non stop? Even if it doesn't open fire, it's escorts VSD Reality does. Seeing your buddy walk off paired up, happy for them, genuinely happy - yes, until Reality's turbo laser hits.

It's always other people, it always is.

I'd like to think that today our mission was somewhat successful. i hope that i was able to help project mw and mkb, but truth is perhaps this time we did more damage to mkb than help. Twas reflected in her writings. Maybe it's best to maintain radio silence until hailed again lest we do more damage.

The day's done. Time to retreat to cold space, lonely quadrant and resume repairs. Thankfully the crew of this frigate is 1, no casualties after the head to head battle with Reality, though we did sustain heavy damage. Hopefully some repairs can be done before the day turns and we'll have to listen out for distress signals again - passive and active.

Won't be long before eclipse class will track us down again with all her escorts, Reality, Creativity & Hope.

Until then maintain minimal operations and initiate repairs - until hailed for again.



Tonight when i sleep, i really don't want to wake up tomorrow - really. Not point in waking up anymore

nicholas d. wolfwood

i am reminded of this particular character in trigun nicholas d.wolfwood. A priest whom carried a cross wherever he went, and the cross always was a equipped with guns or many times a weapon in itself ! (machine gun and one incident, a rocket launcher)

As comical as it sound, there seems to be relations to it. In the anime Trigun, there came a time when wolfwood's cross became too heavy to bear, due to him suffering grevious wounds. His death scene was accompanied by the song Rakuen, which the artist is not really known.

i seem to find much relations to this at the moment. There will come a time when it will be too heavy to carry that cross - and thus the song will play; Rakuen, which means paradise. Sayonara - Tsarabata

jai ho

Out of nowhere the Jai Ho song plays. People normally have a tune in their hearts or their mouths when they are happy about something, but such isn't the case. Guess i really am a masochist! revelling in the fact that i am constantly under agony.




What more Jai Ho, a song of celebration - celebrate what?



Patiently waiting for my Latika? Biggest joke in history! Ha ha ha!



fuck this hurts ...

for a brief moment

Poor mkb, for a brief moment there was hope but as quickly and as sudden it appeared, it was dashed. The ex mail blasted an invitation to her to join some schmuck thing. i can fully understand how she felt having sent numerous mails without reply - and suddenly one comes from the recipient, your heart jumps, but it isn't the mail that you expected.




i understand how you feel mkb but for now, let them fall. Nothing can be done when the wound bleeds again. For His name sake, i pray that you find rest in His embrace.

just before the last straw

So close to giving up at times, even to the point of completely losing faith in God - so close to death too, wanting to end all the hurt and agony

Yet there are times when backup arrives just before the final hour - in it's least unexpected way, a tiny way but just enough. Enough to power up shields for one more day - just one more day

So this is what it is like to leave foot prints in people's lives - somewhat acknowledged.

Shields: 84% Hull: 23% Life Supports System: Inoperational Engines: 62% Hyperdrive: Malfunction

Yet the manifesto must go on. Med frigate en route to assist - out

let it fall - reprise

Supposed to get home and wait for mike to arrive to collect a cheque on his behalf. He was late, but you can't blame him now can you. It happens. After all, you of all people should have the heart to forgive!
Of all things to choose, you had to choose to be Nice Guy - not just any nice guy, but the one that doesn't finish

It's good to be bad

  

Even Bullfrog knew that! Did i mention also you get the mistresses?

Matriach wanted to talk - but it's not needed. Talking doesn't solve anything. Fact, no one can solve anything. It's do or die - that is the mantle given. At this point of time, it points to die

There are times when either crossing the roads to office or on the drive home, i choose die, because really - what is the point of living?

There doesn't even seem to be any point anymore to be daily tormented mentally and emotionally. Death's cold embrace is indeed a welcome at these times (which is most of the time anyway)

Maybe i'll just find a tree and sit under it and die, just like Elijah did. I just have to make sure there aren't any @(#&! birds in the tree.

Net still borked

Losing license soon

Emotional Agony

Mental Distraught

Bring the rain. Maybe the rain will hide them when they fall - again

let it fall

Bola 1's radar was sharp enough to pick up the hidden distress call. Guess it's not really hard being sentimental. Talked to noel a little about it mainly asking how does one get over it. Apparently there will always be a lingering feeling - maybe it's a scar that doesn't heal.


I suppose when you're hounded by Walkabout and on top of that Rejection and constant reminders, you just crumble and die. Not even an eclipse class star destroyer shield can withstand that sort of volley. It's not even remotely possible.



Bola 1, kind enough to pray over the phone - and they fell again. Maybe enough will fall to water the seeds that were planted day/weeks/months ago ... maybe

bittersweet

Can't really seem to experience anything sweet without the bitter component. It seems that they so often now go hand in hand - this is especially true when going head to head with Creativity.

It's best buddy Hope too tends to always cash in making the experience more severe - severely bitter that is.



i thought i moved on, that's what i said to others, but at the sight of her, it all came crashing down again. i guess we are only human. Time doesn't seem to heal squat and i do feel hipocritical telling others especially project mkb that time would heal, when here i am still looking at the broken pieces.



How do you tell others to continue on when your yourself are in pieces?



All power to shields ... that's how and burn up everything so that they don't see your pieces

bring the rain

Great day to start monday mornings, with a storm. Supposed to be able to make make the right choice!
and don't let external circumstance dictate you!
Guess when Steven Covey wrote that, he wasn't being fired upon daily by ISD Walkabout and a million other cruisers.

To top things up, despite current status, it would be business as usual. Still gotta fix other people up - as usual.

"Bring the rain" 

on hope and faith

Always have hope and faith, but more often than not those whom say this - how far or to what extent to their minds take the word hope to? More often than not, i'm greeted by the resounding roar of crashing and tumbling 'air castles' so much so it is easier to fall back on cynicism as a form of shielding.

Bola 2 did say i sounded very cynical before leaving to Lion's land. Doesn't blame me he says, but one wonders if he was plagued by "walkabout". Daily tormented by this, liken to going toe to toe with an Imperial Star Destroyer. Frigate class do not outgun such behemoths. Not only outgunned, but can't even run due to tractor beam.


Every day, everywhere, digital or real life, turbo lasers home in and they connect. Oh hey look! Shirley invited to her wedding! Ikmal is getting hitched too! Check out this baby, check out that baby! Mr. Gasse also just had a baby boy.

Shields down. Hull 85%.

Not like it is their fault. Nope. Can't blame them. Not their fault at all. Even Marisara loaded a sorta like wedding album, not to mention TC & BY recently for their own album. Honestly, really happy for them. They, all of them deserve it - they really do.

"This mantle is heavy - i cannot bear it anymore..."

Hull condition 27% Engines down. Life support systems malfunctioning. Shield generators offline.
Status: Support Project mw, mkb, ec and where required.

therapeutic?

After nearly three decades, decided to create this, mostly to see if indeed it could function as a therapeutic means. Well it would be basically to see whether the frigate will go down or will it sustain. After all, those that help/encourage cannot be seen as those that need eh?