aftermath

One could say it was worth it to see Ikmal glad that i was at his wedding. On top of that i was the only representative from the class of 97. Senthil couldn't make it. Wife was expecting. Sean Joseph, no show and so were the rest. Even so the mission was a success, it had its price.

Driving for 1.5 hours and partially getting lost
Driving in the rain while looking for the god forsaken area
Going to a wedding without knowing anyone at all save the groom
Sitting at a table only accompanied by I, Me and Myself.
Eating only with I, Me and Myself

Despite that, i guess for him it was worth it. Least someone he knows attended his big day - someone since the school days. It was only couple years back when he asked "How would you know if you were to marry so-and-so"
Told him "You would know when you're comfortable around that person and you find that you would like to share your life and she share hers with you. That is when you know"
Bitter irony. Offered the advice but yet to walk it.



i'd be lying to say that the whole experience or the entire night's hoobla didn't hurt. It did, yet again because of my promise for others, we have to keep going on - tonight was for Ikmal.





Even so, it doesn't erase the emptiness and the hurt - it doesn't.

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As with all these 'reminders' and the time spent alone, the mind goes into overdrive in creating scenarios. i do many times wish that i am able to switch off my mind's creativity section just for sometime so that i don't end up tormenting myself.

Thoughts of attending future weddings with her. Finding our way to the unknown venue.
At the dinner itself, watching the newly weds so in love and smiling - yet leaning to her and whispering "That's us, before - now - and forever"
Pseudo planning of guest list, thinking that if i did get married - Ikmal and Senthil would be the only representative from high school. Which table should they go to? Thinking that her side would be numerous lol, mine? a handful.

Many say to let go - and i have tried my best. Prayed the prayer of relinquishment, long before this too. But the mind, my mind is in overdrive. It something not many possess nor understand - the extent or the unharness-able creative mind - that just rushes off and creates different scenarios in the spur of the moment. Scenarios so real and vivid, almost like watching a blockbuster movie.

And most of the time it draws from elements close to the heart, even elements that are ... for lack of better word "elements that the Father says, No / Not now"

i still think of you often mw. Still in my prayers daily and every week i fast for your salvation. To stop doing these just because i came to the realization that we can't be together would be selfish and insincere.
it was done for your salvation, regardless of the romantic outcome or lack thereof.
i pray that you're well and that someday, quickly that you will realize:

• that you will realize that asking (God) for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of wanting to grow stronger - to overcome despite your limits
• that you will find rest in the Almighty
• that you will find security for the future in the Ancient of Days
• that you will experience Agape love - the one love that satisfies all your needs

Quickly too! cause i'd like to eat lunch on Sundays again! - Please Father can?