and the skies rained fire

in the cold darkness of space, a lone frigate drifts aimlessly without direction. A lone droid attends to the sole human on board. Encased in cryo-recovery bacta fluid, his wounds are near fatal. Unconscious yet having brain activity that is off the charts, one can only imagine the horrors that he struggles with.

The acrid smell of melted hull and ozone still permeates the frigate. Most have been destroyed - even completely broken off and drifted / is drifting away from the main hull. Despite space being vacuum, fires and embers still burn on numerous sections of the frigate's hull.
Minimal power from batteries power the infamary, where the lone captain is under the watchful eyes of the droid. The rest of the frigate is offline. There isn't enough power at all for other systems.

and then the skies rained fire again - Overdrive. It has not ended yet.


**************************************************

Time Zero One to Zero Two what is your status.
We're at the location but we cannot proceed.
Why is that?
She's still under fire from the VSDs
*Sigh* poor sod. Is there anything we can do
Not at this point. As long as she's under fire, no repairs can be carried out at all.
So we sit and wait?
We sit and wait.

salt to wounds

turn to your left or right and tell that person one thing you are thankful for
i am thankful for you


kuekatsu

boom

and the skies lit up with turbolasers. Reality's main cannons pierced deep space igniting it's target's hull. Pure energy beams melting it's target. It's target had no chance of survival at all.

14th hour:eagerness

there is an air of eagerness. Perhaps it can be attribute to be able to meet up with chels and za. So this is what it feels like to look forward to meet up with two individuals who truly accept you. Yet can't help to wonder that is this just a fraction of the feeling to meet up with a partner - something that one always only sees but never to experience.

kuekatsu

Now marks the 14th hour. The heat only gets hotter from this point. Shields are down and each barrage is direct to the hull.

Again we're in that position, teetering between Hope & Reality. Teetering between Resounding Victory & and Silent Crippling.

At this point of time there is only one that will decide the end or beginning of this.
The one that's always been around silently observing, the one that rarely shows up visibly, yet when He does - it shakes the foundation of the universe - The Maker

Have mercy on this humble frigate.





 Have mercy

12 hours

We've hit the 12 hour mark.

at this point of time it seems like a convict awaiting the death sentence to pass. The real longing is of course for Walkabout to be utterly destroyed - but yet ... are we again building castles in the sky?
Can one be blamed for harboring such thoughts out of self-preservation?

i just don't want to be hurt all over again

is she Legend - asking ... pleading The Maker

35 hours

it's that time again, time to hold the fort alone while the rest are out. The thing isn't so much so of holding the fort but solitude breads brooding and brooding leads to ... it never leads to anything good.
At this point of time Reality has began the auxiliary turbolaser fire. Main guns will fire as soon as the trajectory lasers align. This is going to hurt ... bad

Time to main gun fire: 35 hours and counting.

Time and time again one has to wonder, what is the purpose of it all? It doesn't seem so difficult for everyone else. It's always isn't exactly right to compare, but many times one can't really help it - especially when the desire for something is this great. 35 more hours till the cold steel of reality stabs, and already crushing blows off and on can be felt. All this is for someone whom we barely even spoke to.

I was really minding my own business - really i was! Easily there are more than a handful of other people around that could have mesmerized, other people whom at least some form of rappor existed - but no. Again the most difficult 'condition' one. That had to be the one that captivated. The one where it practically sends a signal to Reality.

10 year gap
never met before
possibly different sattelite or service
& the cold truth is, basically something totally out of grasp.

and ... there is always the SE-C factor. Unworthy we are
Why? Even if the planets and stars align, why us when there exist numerous other better people around.

this time ... this time it was within boundries. She is a daughter of The Maker
But again - will this escapade end in the same way? No matter how much preparation for the worst, lowered expectations and what nots, we are going to burn under the fire - again.


Captain?
Yes MadelineOur shields are down
I know.

first contact

Soooo .... there was first contact today. Very short, slight and quick - but there still was.

so difficult not to want to hope not read into things. Am i really setting myself up for another huge fall again?


*************************************

Captain? Reality is in firing range but still holding position
She's waiting for the opportune time Madeline.
Opportune time ?
Look at the trajectory laser sights. They're aligning as we speak. When they align fully, expect a full barrange.
Will our shields hold?
Nope. Just make sure we have minimal power
Will it be like that time
Yes - unless
Unless?
Unless Legend shows up ...
How sure are we ...
We aren't sure at all. This is why we prepare for the worst.

reading into things

if i wanted to read into things, there could be a great many things that could perhaps be sources of hope - yet again to what ends? So that the whole mw event perpetuates itself all over again?

Have you not hurt enough already?
Why do you keep doing this to yourself?

To not hope - is to admit defeat,  yet to hope is to ... ? really at lost here. we're back at the same spot full of questions without any answers.
only two sure fire facts remain at this point of time.
a Christmas wish. To finally see Walkabout utterly destoyed. To no longer be hounded by it - and once again, Legend has a name; hwl

Which ending will come to pass? The Destruction of Walkbout? or the normal one? Which one do i want - but yet which is Reality?

would it be a surprise or would the song No Surprises play again? i do not know. Surprises do come in the last expected time and mode - Siberia & Altec, but as of now we are talking about really deep desires.

rofl - even as this was being penned out, "Sleepstar - I Was Wrong plays". Bitter irony that is.

Guess pneoxian is right - hope enough to keep going, but be prepared for the status quo. Maybe that would be the modus operandi now. We'll deal with the breached hull and downed shields - later

adra

definitely must be noted down. Adra too gave the gift of sound - Altec

Thank You God for both friends and family.

Thank You

a turn of events

mayday! mayday! we are under attack! Assailants: VSD Overdrive and VSD Hope.


************************

a turn of events. Crimmas dinner at Tropicana House went above and beyond. Despite being late due to practise, the reception was above and beyond. Practically was there from 2000 to 2200 and more importantly made some relations with both the girl's parents. At least now they can attach a face to the name.
Definitely the both of them are Godsend angels, both whom are priceless.


Practise, practise, practise. The mere mention of this word invokes Overdrive, which at this point of time is not a good thing. Overdrive or commonly known as Creativity is unkind in nature - especially during these periods. We've moved on, that's for sure but only again to be captivated by another.
In all honesty i was minding my own business, but radiance - it is difficult to ignore radiance. It is also difficult to ignore her voice which is so strong, yet melodious.

And because of this person: hwl - now it invokes Overdrive and Hope. Mercilessly beating down both shields and hull. At this point of time both are holding up well - but we all know, the last date of any form or means of 'interaction' will be the 24th.
Then it will be cased closed. Another passing event that rocked and shook Med Frigate.

From there it will be back to Status Quo.

Hope? Maybe hope, but not expect. Such a fine line that is and more often than not, i cross it - and cross it far way too deep in.

Only pneoxian knows about hml. Only he knows about the 10 year gap that exist. So many logical reasons and past experiences that all point in one direction - Nay

The question now what should one hope for? Would it be wise to leverage on the angel's hope and  hope for big things and events? Once bitten twice shy they say - but in this case it's thrice? four times? quinta - hexa - hepta - octa - whatever number ... i've lost count practically.

tail end / beginning or?

to not write this down would not do justice. To imply that everything is bleak and gloomy too will be a lie. After many months of darkness, unfavorable events, silence and heartbreaks only of late there is a tiny change of events. In the spirit of giving as we near Christmas, as easy as it is to give, as easy as it is to receive.

pneoxian and nom-nom gave the gift of sound - Siberia headset. It's value is too high, way too high to be simply given as a normal present. Adra has promised a new sound system too since my 10 year + one died / is dying. Honestly this change of events is a real welcome to what has transpired over the past months. Even so it doesn't answer the existing questions but on the flipside creates more.

do i hope? or do i continue to hope?
is this the beginning of something better yet to come?

no one knows. To the very least, these events are noted down as milestones. They are blessings from The Maker.

past few nights have been spent filling in za and chels about past events, history and inevitably her as well.
Compressing so much information in such a short time isn't easy and due to the amount of information it took a span of days, and at this point of time still is going - but about to reach it's end soon.

za offers to write a story about it, but yet this story doesn't have a happy ending. It isn't Disney - or has it not reach it's end yet? Again here is where Hope rests and so readily arm it's turbo lasers.
So afraid to hope now, fear of being disappointed again.

maybe we continue now without hope - but at least, we haven't given up despite what has happened or despite what didn't happen.

Status: Shields 62% Hull: 100% all systems online.

the past - the present

the day that we have been preparing for arrives, laying out the entire history just about everything possible in an online medium including about her to chels and za. i do hope that if anything, it would serve as an encouragement and insight into life itself - that they do not have to trod down the same path because no sane person would want any of their friends down the same path. The price is too great

Too much hurt
Too much pain
Too much loneliness

dreams: again

decided to move on. The hurt definitely has lessened yet Overdrive doesn't seem to stop. Rather than write a lot, just going to pen down the events.

Dreamed again. Public acknowledgment of God's healing in her life.

am i going insane with all this?

i'll be me

Karen says lk looks like me (on mw's way out for hospital x-ray visit) i don't know whether that's a compliment or an insult. I do not want to be him. Strangely as it sounds, i don't want to be in his position either. If anything, and this is one huge big fat mofo IF - if anything i'd want it to be genuine, sincere and her to be able to publicly acknowlege the relationship. Not how it is being relayed to be in the past.

if if if - always if. But such is the mantle of the sheepdog isn't it.

More and more the mantle fits - but bearing it doesn't become easier at all. The hardships and reprocussion are always the same. The same difficult as heck level.

Madeline, we're anticipating more fire from Creativity and Reality today too. Brace for it

late entry

late entry. This was supposed to be for yesterday, but i suppose yesterday's events was too much of a distrought to create the entry. The thing is that there was nothing spectacular that happened, just a day where Creativity and Reality were more relentless than usual.

Maybe it is due to all the recent events all accumulated and now is imploding, from the ipod gift, to more weddings, to more photographs - the usual hoobla 'reminders'

mw hurt herself while horseback riding. As usual lk will show up in the office to ferry her off. Truth be told i did not notice him coming in via the back door. Looking up from my desk and i noticed him locking the door.

The only - only remedial event was the simple talks with Chels and Za. Bless them for being warm and accomodating, yet the question remains: Should i be so attached again to others that i may not stand on my own?

bittersweet: revisted

nc gave her an iPod nano as an anniversary present. It's not so much so the present; but more of the entire thing. It could be very well be a simple card yet as happy and joyous i am for them, it is again a mixed of bittersweet.
Could it stem from envy? i do not know, could be perhaps or it is just that Walkabout's lasers are very close to home this time.

Re-watching Mission Impossible 3 didn't really help. At the end of it, Ethan leaves IMF for his wife.

Same questions - same answers or lack thereof.

Where did i go wrong?
What more do i have to do?
Can i really shoulder the sheepdog mantle which then transitions to John 15:13?

We won't have answers again tonight. Tough it out - as usual. Just don't let anyone know or see the damage. It's not their problem really - it isn't

recall:dream

It was a debate whether or not to record this, but since it is part of the purpose this journal or milestones were created, might as well.
Last night's dream which is still vivid was short and simple.

Facebook relationship change to her

after the decision to move on, after all the reality - evidence, heart breaks and tears;
still these happen. It is a pleasant thought but to what ends?

So that it'll shatter and re-open old wounds on top of creating new ones - Again?After all, Skum mentioned that dreams are sometimes just manifestations of our deepest desire.

Desire? Still there
Decision? Made

These should stop. It's pointless. You.only.hurt.yourself. Just like Overdrives

restoration

it is assuring to both know and see that restoration is in place, at least for one incident. Despite the mistakes that i do unintentionally, it doesn't leave unwanted lasting effects. That much i should be thankful for. One can only hope that things take a better turn from this point?

Yet again - Hope - Kibo; the very name of one of Walkabout's escort.

Her relentless fires are one of the worse of the entourage.

Dare we hope again? Should we?

pockets of solace

soemtimes in the midst of a shitstorm, there are little pockets of solace that are found. It helps to get through all the turbulence. Lunch time with mw may have seemed like a last resort - but after that and two ice-creams, things did take a turn for the better, for now.

If anything we managed to cheer her up a lot.
"Cause you're pretty"
*laugh*
"Now you think that's the biggest joke of the century don't ya?"

indirect

there is a new hire today. inevitably introductions and small talk ensues. due to her ethnic background and upbrinding, the topic of marriage is important. the fact that she did ask everyone about it is a testament itself.

yay

if she only knew but a glipse of what has happened, maybe she wouldn't be so eager to ask
if she only understood the plight of a sheepdog, maybe she wouldn't be confused of the current predicament
if she only knew the history, she would know the present

fault her? no. this is not her fault at all. it is perfectly natural topic of conversation.
like with any other daily occurences, it's more salt to wound. doesn't matter if it's client records or DCRs to observations or conversations, Walkabout's turbo lasers are constant and daily.

Today, they did more than take down the shields.

and with all the fall outs - it didn't help one bit at all. Not a damn bit.

Status: Shields down, Hull 34%, Engines 15% holding position.

overdrive:revisted

Overdrive: "That's What I see" lyrics - Zara vouchers

Why do you keep doing this?
Overdrive
Yet you only hurt no one but yourself.

forgotten

it's difficult not to keep returning to the same thoughts and perhaps fears - the fear of being forgotten. 4 years ago after the Excite workshop things were alright. Now? Forgotten. At most you'll get a civil greeting - at most. In all the years, the same occurrence has happened. Time and time again, without fail. Should it be any different now? Probably not.

Should we therefore expect? Better not to expect - again out of self-preservation. Brace for the fact that years from now, you won't be remembered and you will stand at the side and watch all of them progress upward. Some might maintain the friendship tie, just out of courtesy. Others might delete after some months (just like what has happened before and would happen)

Yet despite of all this, everything was done not for yourself was it not? Nay, you invest - you move on. Expect nothing, receive nothing, endure minimal hurt.

Indeed Madre was right, with a big heart comes the consequence of being hurt easily - too easily

But who will want such a responsibility or such levels of courtesy? "Here.am.i.send.me"

engine SE-C

Madeline, run a scan of our engines
Scans complete, we are missing or have been missing a key part
SE-C?
Yes captian
Is there anyway we can retrieve this or fix this?
There are only two ways captain
And what are they pray do tell
The first method would be for the external hull to be fully repaired before the SE-C can be outfitted back in
That would take massive amount of time wouldn't it - seeing as how we're constantly under fire
Correct
And the other method?
Legend
Thank you Madeline
What is our due course captain now that project Let's Rock is complete
Back to normal patrol Madeline. Passive and active sensors, standard quadrant. Nothing's change
Affirmative captain

monologue:za

(10:04:17 PM) :: it wont be long


You don't believe anymore?
i don't know what to believe
Where is your faith?
There is a fine line between faith and expectation
Are you not thought to expect? - sometimes?
Look where expectation has lead up to thus far
Fair enough
Do you blame me?
Not entirely
Yet it is a catch 22. Not enough faith for something to come to pass, yet having too much faith to the point of unrealistic expectations ...
So ...?
So it is better to remain at status quo. Expect little or expect nothing
Why?
Because it results in much much lesser hurt
Is that what you really want?
It's not what i want. i don't want to hurt anymore
No sane person does
Hence should i be an exception?

production & after

and so it ends. Production day came and went. Went very well indeed. Most of it will be due to Grace before Perfection. With the note of production, so will it signify the end of communication with most of them. Managed to stay in touch with a minor handful, but for how long - we will have to wait and see.

Strange occurrences, mw messages, "Where've you been?"

monologue:status quo

production day is around the corner. It's been rather busy and pack week(s). At this point of time i suppose it could be a good thing. It doesn't give much time to brood. Thoughts do come back off and on, but only when the music fades and all is stripped away.

With production day, comes the realization of completed work with the kids. It started slow and now has built up extremely well. i did not envision at all that it would be at this level. As they say, "Enjoy it while it lasts" and "All good things come to and end". We're approaching end of the year - many ends are just beyond the horizon.

-----------------------------------------------

The net of it is, time, effort and even resources invested in their lives will perhaps someday bear fruit. It's not about whether they remember you now is it?
No
It never was, and never will.
True
It brings us to Christmas and New Year. Status quo?
Yes, status quo
Are you expecting anything?
I don't want to be hurt anymore. It's been a rough year (6 months)
Fair enough. Status quo

no surprises

the word on the streets rings true. Dani just got hitched. Even someone whom once was a school gangster, whom often got into fights with many scars to prove them ... finished. Yet the melody of Radiohead's No Surprises plays on and on and on.

martyrdom and masochism. Such a fine line. Reading Yancey's book more and more reinforces the mindset of martyrdom. Yet as the beattitudes serve as a hope to cling for, one asks is that sufficient? The comparison of enternity and the short span of time on earth, of course eternity is way longer. To lay up treasures in heaven is to look at the end - the real end.

If so, what is the purpose of this life? To eternally suffer for however many years given here? Perhaps not a strong word as enternally, but perpetually. You've made you decision, you've made your bed, now lie in it.

The cup of suffering
The towel of servanthood
the cross of execution

These are what that have to be manifested, and for what purpose? To point others to Him.

The answer has already been known, long ago it's been know. i just don't always agree to it because it many times just too difficult. Difficult is one aspect, the other aspect is the repercussions that come with it.

The knowledge of

Blessed are the meek
Blessed are those who mourn
Blessed are the peacemakers
Blessed are the poor in spirit
and many others,

does not make it any easier at all - not one bit.

wheat

one of the hardest thing to do: be the wheat that falls, and dies so that others can germinate and grow.

fallout:realization

mkb
she writes that she thinks that she lost a friend - a friend that cared. Not because of anything, but because that person could not bear to allow her to make not too good choices. She writes that she walked away, and she is happy or peaceful with the decision. It's surprising that she actually realized. One would have thought she wouldn't even notice or cared.

The saying goes, whoever eats the chili, they will feel the heat - and indeed heat is felt. The words and description used, how more accurate can it get? Yet from this, again respect of decision has to be done.
Secondly no indifference in behavior. Maybe there might be reconcilation, but not now. Perhaps waiting near end of December would be more appropriate.

Again one wonders, where did one go wrong?

Even so, perhaps so timely - reading Yancey's book. You can't cure those who don't want to be cured. If the Master so practised this, so will you do it.

monologue:overdrive

overdrive - you don't wish for it to happen, but like a kid in a toy store / candy store.

why do you do it?
not like i have much choice
we always have choice
not in this one. Overdrive happens - by itself
are you saying you have no control over your thoughts?
sometimes yes
what was it this time
jamming session on ice climber's bonus stage bass line
ice climber could refer to anyone!
ice climber is her song! her game! there is no one else related to that
...
it was during our time
why do you it when the decision has been made
i don't know
isn't it like self wounding?
in a certain perspective, yes
and yet you ...
it is overdrive - it can't be helped; most of the times

project mkb was right in a sense, we love that which we cannot have.

fallouts:animosity

it is bewildering to see how many fall outs are occuring just these few weeks. Using logical deduction, it appears now the problem lies with me. Whatever done and said just cannot please people. If all 9 people have problem with the sole one person, chances are the problem lies with that sole person rather than the other 9.

what is more saddening and hurtful is because of some other people whom you support and silently accomodate for their shortfalls, they are the reason or the contributing factor to fall outs with those cloests. What was For them now changes to Because of them, and the kick in the nuts? it all points back to you
You are the perpetrator. Because of their overly sensitive nature, everything from you is perceived as hostile.

When all the time you piggyback and shoulder their responsibility doing 150% work they perceived that their share of 50% is adequate. When you do 100% due to certain limitations and shit starts to fall apart, it is not them that is viewed as slacking - YOU are the one that slacked.

Just great. Nothing done is right, Shoulder other's burden in silent and always first to be blamed.
Can you get angry and confront about it? No. Their overly sensitive nature is going to cause an explosion which ripples to god knows where.

Accomodate and suffer for them for the greater good, and get blamed for them also for the lack of progress.
These are the sheep the dog has to protect.

monologue: sheepdog

why do i feel rejected?
because you are rejected and forsaken
is it normal?you are not called to be normal
i am still human
human you may be, but you have a mantle to shoulder - a duty
why me?who else will?
that's correct, because no one else will
what about my own dreamsthis isn't about you. your life is not your own to live
but the results ...
do you do it for fame?
noglory?
no
recognition
no
then you know why you have to bear this cross?
yes
then bear it
it doesn't make it any easierit doesn't. but who else would? who else stops mid track and looks around?
not manythat is why, for them, you shall slow down. for them, you will deny yourself and for them, you will sacrifice
it is ...
unfair? this isn't a question about being fair. you know the very depths of your being, your drive. you know that you cannot ignore a need
yes
you will not ignore a need
 ... yes
and you know you will forsake your needs
 ... yes
for whom?
for Him. but does it mean i will be used
semantics and definitions are not in play. use discernment.
 ... but there are times ...
that it won't be easy? it is never easy all the time. this is why few are chosen for this task. always remember, the sheepdog is shunned, rejected, and forgotten - but the sheepdog always is the first in and last out irrespective of how he is treated.

This Is Your Cross

hindsight

Hindsight is always 20/20 vision. This much is always true. After many months of torment and multiple broken heart occurrances, maybe? things are starting to fit together. Not the entire picture, but one tiny part of it.

Enough, just enough to help other go through their own experiences. Yet again one wonders, one cannot speak from experience. Most of it is theory and it often sounds like a smart alec, one who only studied the books but have zero practical experiences. On the flip side, would one really want to go through all those said experiences?

The intensity of unrequited affection is the same if not very close to that of a break up- would i want to experience more of those, for the sake of credibility? At this junction, perhaps the answer is 'no'

 As much as it was good advice to give to mkb to sit tight till the end of the show, i've got to walk that talk too. i don't know what horrors plague her, but i hope she doesn't suffer constant hounding such as Walkabout. It is good indeed to read about the turnabout she has experienced or moreso decided to take. That is a good and wise decision.

This time the assaults are even more intense. With different updates, word on the streets about other people, each turbo laser fire comes closer and close to destroying the hull - permenantly.

Shields down. Hull 43% Engines 62%, Hyperdrive offline.
Next destination: Project Let's Rock

seal fate

as time goes by, we can see how the story ends. As more of it unfolds, we can only arrive at the conclusion - seal fate. It doesn't hurt as much as it did. i suppose that is part and parcel of making a choice, and keeping to it.
Accept the fate. He is accepted - accepted by the family. He is welcomed. He is part of the family. The only thing left, it is just ceremonial.

Remember what you said months ago, that you will - you shall honor her decision irrespective of the consequences. Everyone says that, but how many will walk the talk? Not many.

Come on Madeline, our work here is done. We are no longer needed. Let's go home
But we have no home sir
That's true. That in itself is our home - nowhere

sehnsucht

official 'off-er' of room switch. That was the titled bestowed upon me by Jeff & Karen.
i do not deny that there is a sehnsucht, and part of it also spill over wanting to be more than 'off-er'.
But the decision has been made. No turning back now. Holding on what is not meant to be held on, only results in self inflicted wounds.

Sehnsucht is represented by Walkabout, but for now - our hull holds despite the unrelenting fire

Accept the fact

again

funny how one thing leads to another. Add one friend and from the wall posts or friend list you can drift and snoop out other people. One more ties the knot right before "budget kena batu". Can't really say that i am happy for them. Drifted apart we have, but yet i recall whom they are.

Wish them well - of course! It's the right thing to do.


Watch and wave from this side - once again

i no longer feel adequate to help mkb. i've done more harm than good. What can be done now is to watch silently. i had my chance, and i blew it.

the right thing

after making that fateful decision, it seems that there is nothing much more that can be written. Decision has been made. My liking or not - it is the right decision. Happy or not, it is irespective.

maybe tis time

maybe tis time to fully accept reality and fact. This will not be easy, as it requires two-part acceptance.



Head & Heart


Time to remove the reservation name, and leave the seat empty - once again.


It is time

Taiyo No Uta (Song Of The Sun)- Reprise

sins of the past - atonement

Unamusing how one friend links to another or a photo tag and then you discover a whole repository of high school people. Do a bit of homework and find the same occurrence - you're last again. Contemplated reaching out and sent one message to one person for confirmation. We will have to see how things unfold from there.

Chances of them remembering? close to zero - not surprising though. As it is has been, as it is always will be.
Look around and see, current efforts are fruitless yet it calls for perseverance. Persevere to what ends? No end in mind is visible - yet persevere.

The atonement for the sins of the past is too heavy to bear, yet it must be done. Should i fall, then fall i will.

Captain, we're running without shields. Would you like to stop and regenerate.
Negative. There are still people out there requiring assistance. Maintain course, all ahead steady.
Are we still under fire from Walkabout?
Yes Captain. They have not let up yet - still close at 900 meters maintaining distance.

Shields down. Hull 97%, Engines 82%, Hyperdrive offline.

pride of life

based on what was said on Sunday morning, decided to e-mail Pastor Richard regarding it. Till now no reply. It seems that whatever i write seems to be either way too complicated or people rather not get entangled in it.

doomsday

much has happened and quite possibly more will come. This week marks D-day. There is nothing that we really can do except wait and see how things unfold. As much as we offer, (which is the best we can do) if it is not accepted, then it will be as it is.

No more, no less.

rain

morning rains aren't exactly the best way to start the day. Talking about rain, it has been raining on everyone's parade this year, these months. From mkb, to mw, even nc, Matriach, Adra and the list goes on.
Today itself, we are en route to pneoxian. Kindness begets kindness. The gesture may be simple and even mundane, yet i pray and hope beyond the gesture, in it's very own special way encouragement will come and rest.

Things were not well with project mkb as well - Fall out happened instead. She decided to go back to him, yet in doing so fully knowing the consequences she doesn't know why. I don't think we will be on very much talking terms after what happened. Tis my folly to have enraged her unintentionally - it was my folly.

walk in her room in the morning only to see mw wiping tears off. At this point of time, i can only pray again for divine intervention - intervention that things would start to look good, intervention that i could be some form of  help even a tiny bit of help, and intervetion that she would not want to shoulder everything by herself.

Frigate moving out to two locations

salt to wounds

today marks the second day lk accompanies her after class to the office. Wonder why - but i'd rather not. As much as i greet him, smile at him, it still burns. Oh yes i recall my words months ago, that if indeed it is her choice, respect it i must.

yet it doesn't stop the bleeding now does it?



no it does not. Not one bit

3 days to Doomsday and counting.

taiyo no uta

time and time again those thoughts arrive. The thing is that it isn't know whether they are just pleasant thoughts or are they indeed some indication of the future.
Thoughts of testimony and encouragement for the future generation, of how this whole escapade started, took place and ended. Indeed there is a greater good, but admittingly too there is some personal element in it - for who can fault? Personal elements or desires are really how we are wired. Reduce as much as possible, but it is there one way or another - whether immediate or eternal.

But for now keep doing what you have been doing until said otherwise, despite the impending doomsday (Monday 1st November tentatively)
The very thought of her leaving for good, chills the bone.
The idea of losing contact forever, paralyzes me.

Despite that, despite all that, continue to crawl forward. My faith has all but faded. At this point of time, it seems that it is now less than a mustard seed (if that's possible) and supposedly that should suffice.
Perseverance, if not for yourself - for others.

All that would be left, will be pockets of fond memories or small incidents or words here and there, quite possibly treasured for all eternity - the filing room, the night watch, the sms-es, the driving, the few dinners, the road crossing, the rain walk, the few phone conversations - just to name a few.

When that day comes, we will sing The song of the Sun - Taiyo No Uta.

Good Bye Days.

Will we meet again? i pray we do - but the future is not mine to claim nor dictate, much to my despair.

all i see is darkness

"Father, all i see is darkness"

as Arthas utters those words, so much more meaning encompasses that sentence.

indeed it is an accomplishment seeing the fall of the lich king (which is usually abbreviated as lk) and in this case, going along the path of daydreams, it does signify something. It is a pleasant though of setting something in motion in a realm of the living, but then again as with every other one, they are far fetched thoughts. Despite consciously reminding myself of the real situation, it really can't be help. These feelings often creep up. The burn of unrequited affection, the knowledge of the decision i made - constantly plagues me.

no coincident that Arthas' words are also mine. All i see is darkness. There has been no progress whatsoever in anything, no signs, no hints, no inclination, no direction. As a matter of fact there is regression, more fall outs with friends to name one. Coming again to the point of turning away, this time it felt very very close.

the weight of discouragement, betrayal, the disappointment and frustration of unmet dreams / desires was greater than what i could bear.

Again it took the little ones to steer me back to the right path. My prayers go out with Eliza, Chelsea and Alex - yet in the ignorance of what went on, is going on, their demeanour and faith was enough. I pray that they will have their needs met and above that, blessings too for their own personal desires and wants. What they have done or prevented, is unknown to them. Yet even though i no longer can persevere for myself given current situation - persevere for them, so that they will not stumble.

amazing love

i'm forgiven, you were forsaken
i'm accepted, you were condemned
i'm alive and well, you're spirit is within me
because you died and rose again.

bear this cross for them.

even though

even though,
even though they turn around and ignore you,
even though those that you easily trust falsely accuse you,
even though those that you gave to disregard you,
and even though those that you love, do not return love to you,

you will continue to give and support.

No indifference in behavior - because His heart, beats within you.

again

once again, forsaken, condemned for things not done and rejected.

a dog and a plant

willow. Tender enough in the wind, yet resilient when need be for the right purposes.

Golden retriever. That's the name that has been given. Sheep dog & Golden retriever.

"Your work is not done yet" - darkstar

confusion

there is much confusion, confusion between discerning vision and dream. Difficult to discern between what may come to pass, or just a figment of imagination. Choice? Of course would like to see them come to pass, be it small or big - all of them.

Then again it is always a personal desire. Difficult it is to live selflessly. Even more difficult it is to spur another whom is classified as competition. The entire scenario looks bleak.

One way
No appreciation
No repercussion
No hope
No options
Not a chance is hell

But again, isn't it situations where it is neigh impossible is best for Him to work? But then again, it is a personal desire ...

Despite all that has been said, thought and goes on - for some reason shields are up (for now)
Our escort time again is nearly up - just as with 2 weeks ago, our need to be around is nearly up.

Status: Shields 70%, Maintain position until end of escort duty.

lunacy

Definitely short circuit somewhere. Each night escorting mw to lk. You see them go off, and walk alone back. - yet you are happy.

Yup, you're completely bonkers (and that's being linient)

again

an outing, colleagues, shared quarters & parents

forsaken

Ops Night Owl enforced until lk shows up. As usual, stay around until your usefulness is up and then discarded away.

When Patriach and Matriach themselves do not understand you, you know you've hit absolute rock bottom - yet this is the mantle you have to carry.


for what ... ?   for them


despite rejection, forsaken, forgotten and betrayal - still you have to bear it, for them

operation night owl

Status: Operation Night Owl - 5 days, underway. Remaining in quardrant until called. Shields 29%

matriach

matriach summons Sheepdog. It is always during times like these cruisers, though age old - hold tremendous ancient yet effective technology come into play. They mostly work in the background refusing the limelight.

Such humbleness and faithfullness

call of the crusade

well it isn't so much so a crusade, but the call of a sheepdog. One tends to wonder, is the result of being a sheepdog or the expectation of being a sheepdog, is one of solitude and lonliness?

This is because when the time comes, dire circumstances require dire measures; the sheepdog will undoubtly perform the greatest act for a friend:

John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends"

In doing so, the sheepdog will no longer be around - and therefore logically speaking his/her solitude life will make it easier would it not?

No ties, no holds barred, no regrets, no remorse and of course no one will miss them.

sheepdog mantle

It is times like that one asks why? why do i carry this sheepdog mantle? why carry it when the very people we protect, and serve turn around and bite us. We don't seek gratitude or recognition because in doing so renders the act insincere - yet we are still human.
To add salt to the wound, you sheep turn around and bite us, even to the extend of betrayal.


Why? why am i programmed this way? is it so that i will continuously experience betrayal, ingratitude, dash-hopes, let downs and unrequited-ness?
If so, what kind of quality life is this?

The list keeps on going - bearer of the sheepdog mantle:
Suffers (all of the aforementioned experiences)
Doesn't finish


Great - now we know where we stand exactly

friends

sometimes we want our friends to be themselves, show their true nature - but there are times also when this wish comes to pass, the results are not really desired results. Today i truly know who the real friends are.

friends don't invite you to a function to a new locality and don't make sure you get there.
friends don't leave your calls go unanswered after exhausting all efforts trying to get to the location
friends whom really want your presence to the event, will just put a little more effort to ensure that you reach there

Apparently asking for land marks to ensure correct bearing was fucking too much to ask - like asking for the firstborn child.
Calling up people also was too fucking much to ask - why carry a damn phone then? so that you can play games and download / showoff more applications?

If you're not going to bother ensuring your guests arrive, put a fucking disclaimer that reads:
"Those whom are unfamiliar on how to go, you're not invited because we will be too busy to give directions or answer your calls. Better not to inconvenience us"

Saves everyone a lot of trouble now doesn't it?

where is waldo

"where is sheepdog"? - her parent
"at work" -mw

"They asked where you were cause suddenly you appeared and now you're gone"


Of course i am gone. When assistance is no longer needed or when a certain someone is back in the picture - sheepdog is no longer required and hence we go back into standby mode, in the shadows.

Still it felt decent to be remembered, despite the very very short encounter. i pray & hope i left good footprints.

name

Finally - we have a name. Medical Frigate - Sheepdog

bound by word

Again history repeats itself. Bound by words - i am unable to act. As much as i wanted to intervene, to fight her battle for her and to make a change; clearance wasn't granted.

Just like months ago, to refrain self from going more than required, now bound by honor and word - i gladly put on the shackles to not do anything about it.

Only she can release this shackle - if she so chooses to.

nine fifty seven

0957 "i'm leaving"  -mw

Merciful Father of Creation, Hallowed Lamb of God, Alpha & Omega: grant me now wisdom & favor to intervene and speak that which You want me to speak.

wisdom

Here i am send me; and i ask for wisdom - not that i may boast or appear intelligent, but that i may say the right things, at the right time and do the right thing so that Your name be glorified.

Madeline, maintain orbit with project  mw. Operation Last Supper underway

unrequited

unrequited - one of the many loathed words by many. In the cold silence, thoughts tend to drift back to this topic. Not that i do not have work to do - but most of it is done for the day and currently waiting responses.
decided to plug that word in dictionary.com to see what would be the result.

Stumbled upon this quote:

"It is thought a disgrace to love unrequited. But the great will see that true love cannot be unrequited. True love transcends the unworthy object, and dwells and broods on the eternal, and when the poor interposed mask crumbles, it is not sad, but feels rid of so much earth, and feels its independency the surer"

As much as i or anyone whom is in this position would like to believe that statement as a fact - but the cold truth stings and brings us back to reality. As nc puts it, "in real life situation, it is still highly subjected to the human free will"

The beloved is a choice to reciprocate or to continue not to (or totally oblivious to the fact of it)

Wiki says this: "In terms of the feelings of the hopeful one, it could be said that they undergo about the same amount of pain as does someone who is going through the breakup of a romantic relationship without ever having had the benefit of being in that relationship."

so you don't actually have to get into a relationship to understand the severity of a break up - yet both have one common denominator, broken hearts lol.

Reading around too resust in stumbling upon "If you don't let go, you won't be able to move forward"Yet therein lies the conflict doesn't it? Apply hope? or do not apply hope?

Flipping through the pages of history, past events though many of the same nature were not as intense as this. What made this so intense? What made it so very difficult to move on? Was it the dreams? Was it the thoughts? Or as truth may hurt - was it my believing those dreams and thoughts to be real? Where did i go wrong?

Again, many questions and no answers.

skum

Sent a message to skum yesterday. Didn't really expect him to answer because the content of the message was rather deep. He said he would ponder and response. Kind of feel guilty too burdening others with all these. As if others do not have their own burdens to bear.

double dragon

nc too is weary, weary of being on-call all the time to assist. i hoped that my burning out would deter him from going down the path that i went. Refill - refill from the One whom is Love Himself and cling on to Galations 6:9

Father, how do we carry on when ungratefulness is what we receive, when we are forgotten when all is well, when we are a mere first aid kit - taken out only when hurt is in abundance. As much as we tell ourselves not to expect anything in return - that kindness is done out of sincerity, it - still - hurts, for we are only human


Iron sharpen iron - not in a fighting manner, but in prayer, encouragement and support.


Let us go through this period, together - that someday we will encourage others to hold on, and that despite facing tribulations, our friendship grew stronger.




Madeline, move in to assist cruiser pneoxian.

you / himawari

words

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Many passages point to one word - perseverance. They all share the same principles:

The stormy season or winter season is only temporal
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not an oncoming locomotive

One does wonder whether when writing this, was Paul high on medication? Yet looking at his track record, shipwrecked, arrested, thorn in the flesh and the list goes on - he still said that he fought the good fight and ran the good race. Comparatively speaking - logically that is, one shouldn't complain.

Yet each day the reminder comes. Weekend is about and though we try to immerse in activities like KidsCAT or by means of escapism to Azeroth, it doesn't hide or do anything to the longing. "Let go" people say. If only letting go was as easy as flipping a switch. It takes time. And i am not sure if it's possible in this scenario due to the unspoken commitments made.

Fast & Pray.

Weekdays or weekends, i am reminded of my commitments. If i stopped them because there are seemingly no remunerations or chance of remunerations, then i will be no different from the other jerks and even lk. Unconditional love pledged - must be shown and followed through. My words cannot be empty like the rest.

despite the seemingly cold treatment received. No more messages, no more anything - faded into the shadows when lk arrived back.

Have no expectations, therefore resulting in less hurt. Just deal with the longing - somehow

yoda

"Control, control. You must learn control" - Yoda

i do not understand why, how or where, but even though with the knowledge of active decision, and current standings, one word describes it - Rindu

Far fetched idea - would "rindu" develop in her in the near future? After what little we went through? 

You can't miss her, you ought not to. It will only cause yourself more grief. We did our part this week, it is time to move on. lk will be back tomorrow. With him in the limelight, m.frigate will once again retreat into the shadows.

That's how it is. Don't set yourself up for more falls.

Hope but don't expect
Keep to the decision
Steadfast in your words
Salvation is the utmost importance not desire

and lastly, Thy will be done & Hallowed be Thy name.



"Keep on tanking. I provide DPS"

and so ...

As we close to 1800 hours, so ends the week of "Last Supper". Our mission is a success. Our aid, went beyond one person, extending to the family.

This mission has come to and end. Our work is done - for now. Not saying that future distress signals will be ignored, but this period of closer than normal assistance is over.

We leave with fond memories and of course hope. Not hope for ourselves, but hope for her to find ... find true rest in The Maker (or in her case would be to accept The Maker). Carve the memories on our heart, for they are fond indeed - and they will be the best that we can experience, for now.

"Detached magna-lock Madeline. Our work here is done"
"Yes captain"
"Back to patrol path and keep active and passive sensors out. Job well done, let's move out"
"Understood captain"

"Captain my medical sensors are picking up increase heart rate and also increase in breathing. Are you alright?"
" ... Yes Madeline. I am fine thank you"

Status: All green.

the last supper

"do you want to have dinner with her" -nc
"yes!"

Indeed there are times, (now more than ever i believe) that He does grant us our heart's desire, regardless of how small or big. i do count this as hidden treasures. Up till last night every invitation for dinner was turned down. Last night, from inviter to invitee. Trying daily, consciously not to expect things. To hope yes, but in that hope - do not expect (or box God in a certain manner)
Guess that will be the lesson i have to learn for now.

Today seems to be the last day of this 'Last Supper' events. D-Day (if things goes as plan) is roughly around the corner. Rather than dwell on pessimistic stuff, time to re-cap the week's events:

1. Opportunity to touch her parent's life with Agape love

2. Opportunity to meet her needs of transport - thus getting to know her more

3. Knowing that in every car save one or two - she doesn't sleep in them, not even her dads, yet she did on Tuesday evening. Indeed the presence of God is peaceful and serene.

4. Albeit not driving like a speed demon, leaving her place at 820 and arriving at 910 shows that there is more to it than L337 driving skills. Late, but not overly late.

5. First time receiving MSN message "Elo" at 130am but was already sleeping by then

Like the other events, these will be carved in memory. Unsure of what the future will unfold, but treasure what has been allowed to happen here and now.

Many many questions unanswered.

Will she go? Will she leave?

Will the horizontal move be approved or happen?

If she goes will we still be in touch?

Despite the decisions made both head and heart - there is still one lingering question.
Not expectation - but question.

Is she Legend under preparation?

Only The Maker knows. Faith and Trust will need to escort this frigate for a bit more - Faith and Trust.

tanking

nc:  yup, but still a possibility
probability is a different story

 me:  That is what i struggle with a lot, Possibility Yes, Probability ----

 nc:  you keep on tanking
I provide dps

 me:  XD
That is what you are good at - and very good at it

*********************************************

Keep on tanking!


All ahead full. Status: Green

that guy ...

"Why did your colleague give a fruit basket?"
"I can guess" -mw

"Why didn't he give it to you?"
"Because i didn't want to accept it"-mw

"We should make him err more so we get more of these" (in a joking fashion)

One would like to think that project fruit basket is a success. Much to mkb's dismay at my doubts and questions with worries, it seems like it was a good enough gesture. Thank you mkb for clearing my doubts and worries with the large trout!

agape

hand deliver personally a hamper of apology to her parents. Not to brown nose or to appear in good books (perhaps slightly), but so that Agape can reach out to them as well.

"Your colleague is the polite type" -mw quoting her mom

Just from two incidences of meeting no more than 3 minutes each. i sincerely His light and presence has touched both your lives, for above the fruit basket and apology card - the best gift you and your household may receive, is Salvation.

hidden treasures - secrets in dark places

There are times prayers are answered, but they are answered not the way we expect - i think? Praying and hoping for opportunities to help mw or for opportunities to show Agape to her.

Granted lk is away in South Africa for company trip, resulting in my availing myself to ferry her - yet from car break downs to soaked toilet incidents - one can only wonder "what is going on really?" Despite what has happened, thank you nc for words of encouragement to keep pressing on. This movie hasn't ended yet.

Above all, if this is required for her salvation, and that His name be glorified in it - Be it unto me.


Be it unto me ...

escort

project mw phase 1 is a success. Med frigate escorting en route. Standby for possible phase 2 and beyond.
"i'm driving you back and that's not a question"

wonder if that would be confidence or arrogance. Thin line it is. Difficult to see.

past midnight

midnight call for Aggroculture. Despite the late night distress call things went well. Smooth run, everyone got gear except yours truly. Still, as long as their are not burnt out or discouraged from the lack of items, it's time well spent.

Second distress call came in at 1am, mkb. Spent some time with her after ICC10. Again, time well spent. i hope it eased her a little - in one way or another.

Now the challenge will be today - staying awake. Distress signal, possible assistance for mw on two accounts. Let's see how today unfolds

before i forget

been toying whether to write this, but since we already have this - might as well.

i got a glimpse of "The Legend" this morning.

Sometimes prayers are done in images rather than words - such is the result of an overdrive mind.


i saw Father place His hand on my head, forgiving me for my unbelief, my lack of faith and lack of trust. Indeed if we repent, He is righteous and just to forgive. Father then lifted my head and motion to look to my right. There i saw Legend. She was sitting in a throne like chair, waiting. There was only one light source from above. No features. No movement. Not much could be made out. Only thing visible was that she had long hair.

and then the 'vision' ended.

time capsule created. Now we will wait for the time to look back and see - see what type of response it would garner, in the future.

aftermath

One could say it was worth it to see Ikmal glad that i was at his wedding. On top of that i was the only representative from the class of 97. Senthil couldn't make it. Wife was expecting. Sean Joseph, no show and so were the rest. Even so the mission was a success, it had its price.

Driving for 1.5 hours and partially getting lost
Driving in the rain while looking for the god forsaken area
Going to a wedding without knowing anyone at all save the groom
Sitting at a table only accompanied by I, Me and Myself.
Eating only with I, Me and Myself

Despite that, i guess for him it was worth it. Least someone he knows attended his big day - someone since the school days. It was only couple years back when he asked "How would you know if you were to marry so-and-so"
Told him "You would know when you're comfortable around that person and you find that you would like to share your life and she share hers with you. That is when you know"
Bitter irony. Offered the advice but yet to walk it.



i'd be lying to say that the whole experience or the entire night's hoobla didn't hurt. It did, yet again because of my promise for others, we have to keep going on - tonight was for Ikmal.





Even so, it doesn't erase the emptiness and the hurt - it doesn't.

*********************************************

As with all these 'reminders' and the time spent alone, the mind goes into overdrive in creating scenarios. i do many times wish that i am able to switch off my mind's creativity section just for sometime so that i don't end up tormenting myself.

Thoughts of attending future weddings with her. Finding our way to the unknown venue.
At the dinner itself, watching the newly weds so in love and smiling - yet leaning to her and whispering "That's us, before - now - and forever"
Pseudo planning of guest list, thinking that if i did get married - Ikmal and Senthil would be the only representative from high school. Which table should they go to? Thinking that her side would be numerous lol, mine? a handful.

Many say to let go - and i have tried my best. Prayed the prayer of relinquishment, long before this too. But the mind, my mind is in overdrive. It something not many possess nor understand - the extent or the unharness-able creative mind - that just rushes off and creates different scenarios in the spur of the moment. Scenarios so real and vivid, almost like watching a blockbuster movie.

And most of the time it draws from elements close to the heart, even elements that are ... for lack of better word "elements that the Father says, No / Not now"

i still think of you often mw. Still in my prayers daily and every week i fast for your salvation. To stop doing these just because i came to the realization that we can't be together would be selfish and insincere.
it was done for your salvation, regardless of the romantic outcome or lack thereof.
i pray that you're well and that someday, quickly that you will realize:

• that you will realize that asking (God) for help is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of wanting to grow stronger - to overcome despite your limits
• that you will find rest in the Almighty
• that you will find security for the future in the Ancient of Days
• that you will experience Agape love - the one love that satisfies all your needs

Quickly too! cause i'd like to eat lunch on Sundays again! - Please Father can?

avoidance

As much as i try to avoid or keep busy - it's not remotely possible to do that. The loneliness and reality creeps up everyday. Go to an open house and the first thing get greeted by is "Where is your second half"
"Er - That's a question I would like to know"
Over dinner, subject - Marriage preparations.
Tonight! Project Ikmal on the way!

Yet one has to persevere, if not for myself, it would be for others. Lets see how it unfolds.

all's quiet

we didn't complete operation lavender, but operation buah tangan & signatures is a success. It's quiet now again. As quick as the cruisers arrived, they left - for now. They don't have the firepower to take down Walkabout, but they have enough to disable and cripple her. The only  that has the capability is "The Legend"

Until that day arrives, we will have to keep on going.

All ahead full, next stop - operation Ikmal.

All systems green.

"Madeline, when we pass through the asteroid field, all powers to shield, maintain cruise speed. We don't want to be late"
"Understood captain"

two steps from hell

"Madeline, what's our current status?"
"Hull at 18% Engines 13% most systems are offline. We are still underfire from Walkabout"
"Thanks"

*******

"Captain. Long range scanners are picking up 3 ships exiting hyperspace"
"Any ID on them? Friend or Foe?"
"3 Dreadnaught class capital ships exiting 1.2km from our location"
"That puts them right beside the eclipse class"
"That is correct"
"Dreadnaught identified Captain. Promise I, Promise II and Promise III"
"What are they doing?"
"Holding position. Not opening fire"
"It's absurd for 3 dreadnaught class to outgun an eclipse. The dreadnaughts are 1km in lengh each, the eclipse, 16!"
"Walkabout's escorts are opening fire on the dreadnaughts"
"Hmm they would hold - for a little, but for how long and why?"
"Long range scanners picking up 2 more class-7 capital ships hypering in"
"Bring the rain. Friend or Foe?"
"Friend, exiting 300 meters from us"
"What? that precise jump? That's not possible!"
"Class-7 ships are the new Missle Cruisers. These two are the only prototypes. None are in production nor will there ever be."
"What information on this Missle Cruisers do you have?"
"Manufactured by Kuat Drives Systems. 7km in length. 4 Missle batteries mounted. 2 at the bow and 2 at the aft. Each battery consisting of 64 warhead launchers interchangable between warhead types. Each cruiser also carries 2 main guns at the bow, almost rivaling the super laser of the Death Star"
"Any ID on these two cruisers?"
"Darkstar and Pneoxian. Captain, both of them are aligning toward the eclipse. The warhead bays are opening. It seems they are going to engage"
" Captain, i suggest you shield your eyes from the glare of the main guns. It can be overwhelming"
"Noted"

"They've open fire. Main guns are full blast and warheads are away. It seems they are firing Ion warheads"
"Ion warheads?"

"The eclipse has lost it's shields under the fire of ion warheads and the main guns Captain. Promise I, Promise II and Promise III are opening fire. They are firing ion blasts at the eclipse's battery control tower."
"Status on the dreadnaughts?"
"85% shields and holding. Maintaining triangular formation over Walkabout's battery control tower."
"Captain the eclipse class is disabled. All it's weapons are offline. It's pulling out. Her escorts are following suit"

"Captain we're receiving hailing frequencines from Darkstar"
"Patch us through"

***********************************

"Thought you needed some help. I brought some friends too!"
"How did you know?"
"You aren't the only one listening on passive distress calls"
"But i didn't transmit any"
"Hold tight, my repair crew are coming on board. Darkstar out"

***********************************

"Madeline did you transmit?"
"Yes Captain"
"Why?"
"Because we won't make it to our next destination given our situation"
"We're programmed to help! Not survive!"
"Destroyed frigates are unable to help captain"
"Point taken"
"Repair and Outfitting droids are approaching sir. Repairs are underway"

***********************************

"Captain, long range scanners are picking up 4 more unidentified ships hypering in"
"What now? Any IFF on them?"
"Friend. Their class is unknown. There are no matches on my database for these ships"
"Run your scans and give me a low down"
"2 main cruiers, each measuring 14km in length. The ships design seems not of any that i can match. 2 more other escorts measuring 10 km in length. Multiple batteries line populate the ship but i am unable to determine the exact count"
"Any ID on them?"
"The two main cruisers are Patriach and Matriach. Their escorts Trust and Faith. They are just holding position 500 meters from us"

programmed

Managed to assist may yi so that's one good thing. At least one success mission despite being crippled. Not even going to bother going to gym today. Just not in the right frame of mind to do anything.

************************************************************************

"Madeline what is our status?"
"Hull is at 18%. We are still under fire. Life support systems are damaged. Hyperdrives are out. Engines at 13%. Multiple hull breaches but are now contained"
"Maintain course for operation Buah Tangan & Card and operation Ikmal"
"That would mean going through the asteroid field for operation Ikmal. With our damages, we will not likely survive"
"Madeline, you and i are programmed to assist. We are not programmed to survive"
"That is correct sir"
"Maintain course. We disembark through the field at 1700 Sunday"

the days go by

work work! people and most articles say that one curative step to take after a break up is to keep busy. Take up a new hobby, do something to keep one's mind away. That only works when you have something interesting to do. Again: Salt has lost it's taste.

Even work has lost it's appeal. Once i would actually look forward to coming to office. Mondays were far far away from being a drag. Now? Mondays are a drag, weekends are a drag - every day is a drag.

What hope is there?
What point is there?
Where did i go wrong?
What sin did i do?
Why did it have to be this way?

days are spent now staring at the pc screen forlornly. It's nearly end of the working day.
Another unanswered prayer. It has come to the point where i can say "No surprises".

 Even one tiny sign of some sort or occurrance, was evidentally way way way too much to ask.

sabishi

it's always in the cold silence that these thoughts will again permeate. Jess is at an event. mw gone to the event as well. Everyone's out for lunch. Guess who has to hold the fort down? Nope, no prizes there.

Alone at the office.
Alone during lunch
Alone at home
Alone in crowds
Alone in communications
Alone in life

Only one has been faithful - Madeline. Yet there is only so much that you can do eh old friend? (Speaking of which it is near high time you got another upgrade, but coffers run dry these days. Hang in there)

Tried so hard - but not good enough. Make big adjustments to years of seclusion, breaking comfort zones, pushing ownself. Tried even harder - giving up personal time. Tried some more, servitude.

... still not good enough ... maybe cursed i am, in this life. Price to pay for having second chance. Not own life to live - but for others - always, for others. Pros: Seeing others attain happiness. Cons: "Legend of the wolf's howl to the moon". Always see, never to experience.

Hull 20%

men in power

Funny how yesterday's and this morning's conversation drifts to men who are successful or whom are in positions of power. They somehow have one thing in common - douchebaggery. Whether it is the inclination or practise of infidelity, arrogance, obnoxious behavior, sexual harrassment to colleagues, 'my way or the highway' mentality, bigotry - you name it, they've got it.

It really makes one re-examine the phrase, nice guys finish last / don't finish. Again, not looking for wealth, fame and glory. Just trying to make a decent living to get by, but even so that seems an ardous and impossible task. Things are way more easier when one is a douchebag. Might as well step on other people while you're at it. Might as well ignore other's plea - Help them? Why? So that they will slow you down? Perhaps it is time for another re-alignment: Why help them? What is in it for me?

More and more it seems to even get by in life - there is a need to be selfish, be cruel, a total douchebag. That was you save yourself a lot of uneccessary pain and hardship. Those whom practise infidelity, they are the ones that are paired up! Look at you!

"Good thing there are still people like you around" -Jess

if you knew the type of calling 'people like me' had to go through, maybe you might re-evaluate that statement again, and you may understand why it is easier to not be 'people like me'

The amount of pain, suffering and most of all heartbreaks 'people like me' go through, is enough to derail anyone that even harbored thoughts about being 'people like me'.

God? He's not around at the moment. Please leave a message.

Mountain top and valley experiences!
there is only one type here, valleys

For everything there are seasons, Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter
there is only one season here, everwinter nights.

When you don't understand, when you can't see His plan, when you can't trace His hand, trust His heart
can't trust anymore when you have no more faith, after series and series of let downs.

the prayer was simple, "do something, anything at all for encouragement or just to show that all 'this' is wrong"

Status Shields down Hull condition 23% Life support systems offline Engines 15% heading toward astroid feilds to reach next distress signal location

This is it, we're not coming out alive out of this one.

someone

"Good thing that there are people like you around"
"People like me? People like me do not finish""Finish?"
"People like me push people to the finish line. We do not finish"
"No laaaaa"

If you only knew the reality of the mantle that i have to bear Jess, only then will you understand the reality of it. How does one push another to the finish line? They have to constantly remain in the stadium track for if they finish, they won't be around anymore.

Someone has to stay below, so that others can stand on their shoulder and be lifted up to greater heights.

Someone has to carry and stabilize the faint hearted runners, to spur them to keep running

Someone has to be at the bottom, for other to be on top.

Someone

that person has to care enough for others, forsaking his/her own goals, dreams and desire - for the sake of others.

icecrown citadel (2)

LFM 1 ICC2.

"What's your GS? and spec?"

"Restoration, 2k"

"Hello? ... Can i get an invite?"

< _____ has ignored you>

ICC2 may not be the endgame, but it is a start to a new content and an endgame for this period.
Doomed to forever be in LFG channel, matching others - but never experiencing.

Such is the price of your cross - Azuregos (modified)

Learn your place, mortal! - Onyxia

happy! - for them

woke up with a mild cold and with it comes a runny nose. No surprises. All the late nights, and this is the result. In my defense, i'd say the late nights were again for many others. VOA 10 was for the guild - so that they got to experience what it would be like. Even so i had to swap to Tats to tank.

Following night - it was for mkb. Had to talk to her to hear her out with her overzealous friend, which in truth was rather disappointing because i had expected more of him (for her sake). She sounded so happy and perhaps even optimistic the day before having this newfound friend. i hope for her sake this bout of events wouldn't leave a scar in her.

Conversation drifted to nc's big day of registering. Gosh, i am probably as excited about it as he is. After all the difficulties, rejections, and betrayals - he definitely deserves this. Told him that i wanted to be there in person. Nevermind that the ceremony and dinner are held later. Even the signing of certs, the legalization of matrimony, I Want To Be There.

Offered to loan him some cash for the engagement ring for next year. We will see how it goes. I gotta prepare and purchase my own full suit so i stop looking like a stick in the mud at formal functions. No more trenchies for this one.

(if ever you gain access to this writings,) know this:

"As for a handful of others, i will do anything that is within my limited capabilities, solely for you - that you may attain happiness"

Ikmal's wedding invitation arrived in the mail.


what is this feeling? Bittersweet; not bitter for them. Exhilarated for them, but when the music fades, and all is stripped away ...

my only sin

Adra is facing heaps of fire from all directions. Everything that can go wrong, does go wrong. Her only sin? Was to honor God? Much as myself too?

Help me out here but one cannot help  but wonder - are You trying to really break us entirely? All this about not being put the test that is beyond our capability really sounds like lies. It's not a question of 'doing good so that we get rewards' - but hello? Can't even one thing go right just for once? Not even asking for wealth, fame or glory - just smooth sailing for a bit. Really weary of all this stormy seas, and it's really come to the end point - breaking point - point of no return.

i'll say it now:

it has crossed my mind to give up faith
it has crossed my mind to give up hope
and it has crossed my mind to give up life

Take it back. If this is the definition of an abundant life, i do not want it - i do not wish to be mentally and emotionally tormented daily, and all because i wanted live and honor bound life. My only sin was to honor You above all else, and look where it got me. No wanting to play the 'pity card', but what did i do wrong?

Not enough ministries held? Not enough positions held? Not enough giving? Not enough what? Not enough demonstration that i was serious enough? Not enough lessons learnt?

"You gotta proof yourself, that you are serious in handling your affairs"
I did - i did my best

"Do not be unequally yoked. Put God's affairs first, and He will take care of yours"
I consciously made the decision to break my own heart to honor Him.

"Pray believing, 4th dimension prayer, have faith and believe for a breakthrough"
Prayed - still am. Fasted - still am. Only experienced the breaking of heart, dreams and hope

"Do your part and share, God (Holy Spirit) will do the rest"
Already done on more than one occasion. Nothing happened

How does one not lose hope, faith and now the reason to live? All i ever experienced was heartbreaks, dashed hopes, broken dreams and the cold bite of reality, nothing more.


and my only sin was to try my best to honor Him

if they only knew

Kim:"You don't need expensive cars to tackle girls"

Tackle girls eh? If only ...
If she only knew the truth. The truth about the cross i bear, the truth about helping others to finish. i do not blame her - i don't blame anyone! no one knows. No one truly knows. What is seen, is not even close to what is required.

"Do you want to hold this 'jie jie's hand to cross the road?"

...  yes. forever.

would i be at fault?

so i'm doing ayu's DCR (detailed client report) splitting  because she has already tendered in her resignation. No surprises when there are opportunities to assist - first in, last out. That has always been and will always be our motto. After all, we are in the same department and same organization. "Not my department" isn't how we roll. One would think that concentrating on work would occupy the mind to not dwell on certain circumstances.

I thought wrong - Austin Powers

Whilst splitting DCR, her e-mail nicely landed on my screen, smack in the center while i was pressing the CTRL + C and CTRL + V keys; Yes, project mw. Sigh is this supposed to be some joke or sign?

Skum said that we are caught in a generation gap, between the old school that believe there is meaning or lessons in everything that happen to and around us, and the new school that believe that stuff is just random?

would i be at fault if i tried and find meaning in this? amidst all the confusion?

would i be at fault if i brushed it off and say 'naaahh get real'?

would i be at fault if it was supposed to happen in the near future - BUT didn't because i lacked faith and harbor unbelief?

would i be at fault ...?

would i be at fault that i still miss her like no tomorrow? despite of everything that has happened, despite her decisions and despite the current predicament?

i am in shambles. You may not be able to fix me mw, but you sure could ease up the pain by a lot! Buuut that is what it is again, wishful thinking. Far fetched idea. Lunacy. Hallucination. To you, i am probably the spare tire that you only think of when shit hits the fan and when no one else is around to heed your distress signal. To me? you could be everything that any guy ever dreamt of.

The kicker is, despite fully knowing this - you have my undying support, maybe because i am either a fool or because i am programmed to be a fool. Either way, you benefit. How's the weather there? Are your friends treating you well? Are you well?

Unanswered questions - and they shall remain that way. Nevertheless, look after yourself and stay well.


"All for love's sake became poor" - Here I am to worship

Is that my lesson in all this?

*************************************************************************

In the cold and dark space or this quadrant, the only lights that are around are the streams of turbo lasers from Reality and Creativity. Walkabout doesn't even need to do anything - for today. The only audible sounds are the explosion and creaking of hull. Life support systems are again malfunctioning. Might as well leave it as it is.

"Captain?"
"Yes, Madeline"
"Do we re-route available power to shields? I can shutdown the hangars and unsued bays"
"Don't bother with re-routing power. Hold our current position. We are assisting Sam and Ayu for now"
"We're still in range of their batteries"
"I understand that, but there is nothing we can do about that. Frigates do not outrun Victory classes"
"Understood captain"
"Run a scan on our engines, make sure they are operational and so are our comms system. Are any of your systems malfunctioning Madeline?"
"None captain. I am fully operational"
"Thank you Maddy, you're the only faithful and true one that sticks around regardless"

*************************************************************************
Status Shields down Hull 19% Life Support systems offline Multiple hull breaches Engines 32%
Mainting assistance - Sam & Ayu.

may day! reprise

Open facebook and what greets you? Weddings, weddings and more weddings! Ikmal's, Shirleys and friends of friends. Wonderful isn't it? Let  her loose Reality, don't hold back. rip the hull apart and finish it! Even as this is being composed - Yasunori Mitsuda's Warmth. Really apt song to be playing, really really apt.

Oh, oh, more special warheads from Reality and Hope tonight! mkb's status was "Poisoned" & "Troubled" and being our nature, we responded to the distress call. Turns out she is troubled because some bloke likes her and she likes him back. Being wise as she is, she is cautious not to get into a rebound situation.

you should have known better didn't you? But no, you had to hope even after everything that happened fourth months ago. Hope ... hear that? Shield's out that's the hull cracking. Hope is now the hound that dogs you wherever you go - it isn't the reason to keep looking or wanting a better tomorrow. Reality is coming in for the Coupe De Grace

Goodnight - Oyasumi

Status: Shields down Hull 54% Life support systems operational at 83% Under fire.

Tsutchie & Fat Jon - 2 Messages (aptly played song again)

quiet times

not entirely sure what it is about today that many times thoughts just drift to that direction. Even topics of conversation tend to do that, if not just about casual coupling it would be about end game. Guess this is the severity of the eclipse class. You do not run or you cannot run away from it.

It hounds
It closes in
It fires
It is merciless

It is quiet times such as today where most people are missing, conversations and interactions are minimal where Creativty's guns blast the most. Be leaving work in a few minutes time and we'll see if the hull holds. What little shields that regenerated - that too. I doubt it. That whole armada never lets up, and the Legend serves as a good bed time story for the young ones.

It's always the drive home - where it is the best opportunity for them to fall again. We will see today, we shall see ...

quick draw mc.graw

It never cease to amaze me how quick Creativity and Reality and cut through the shields. The duration it takes to walk from Cosway to Pavillion was all that they required to take it down. Look left, look right. It doesn't matter. Reality is everywhere and it serves as a constant reminder. Humming the tune Amazing Grace didn't help either. Not that it would summon the elusive cruiser to aid.

Shields down! Hull damage. Should we send out a dsitress signal captain?

No point Madeline. You know that we're a crew of one, and no one will acknowledge our mayday. We are the ones that rescue, not get rescued.

Truth hurts - Reality

Maybe, just maybe we can dog them for a little by making the jump through WOW space - if anything just to temporarily rest from the onslaught of turbo lasers.

status: green (for now)

Maybe it was just the long four days of rest, or it could be that we got charged up by the legendary and elusive cruiser: Amazing Grace. Why do you say that? For the simple fact that although under fire by Creative and Walkabout. No incoming warheads - yet, just the merciless turbo lasers yet shields seem to be holding - for now.

Of all songs to recall, i had to recall Boys to Men's Four seasons of loneliness. Guess it ties in with nc's conversation about the 'seasons in our lives' book that he was reading. Neverwinter Nights eh? It's Everwinter Nights here! and with winter - listen out to the wolf's howl to the moon, for you will hear it nightly.

Somehow i managed to utter 'that prayer' again. This time it really felt hollow. It sounds so selfish asking for something of that sort - i should be asking to fullfil my promise to Madre, but askin on top of that? Doesn't exactly feel comfortable. Maybe i have lost a chunk of faith and  hope and that's the sad reality of it. Only months ago faith and hope were in abundance - but Reality's fire took nearly, if not all of it.
Even so remembering all this and still under the onslaught - shields are holding, hopefully we can maintain course and keep channels open to aid.

Bola1 sent a good morning SMS. Be it as it may that it is a simple act - but i see the intention. Blessed are you Bola1, for your kindness. i do pray too that the 10 seconds you used to send that message will be returned to you one hundred fold in ways that you have not even imagined.

on friends

nc, may.y and marcus took me out for dinner today. They did this despite buying the 60 day card. For their gesture of kindness, i pray that every minute of taking their time will be multiplied one hundredfold back to them in blessings. i guess you can say things are pretty alright - at this point of time, for now.

Yet again there is that lurking feeling when Walkabout will show up again. There definitely has been bouts the past few days. You just can run away from it - and the bigger question would be: How long are you going to run? i really wished i didn't have to keep running, but that seems to be the only method at the moment."The Legend" - but that is what it is, a legend

Songs, scenes, words, movies, tv shows, people around even topic of conversations and not forgetting facebook! They all point to one direction; this is where we brace for impact.

Pastor Richard said that the blessings of God far superceeds all curses and breaks them. Am i under a curse or just that this is the reality of the mantle that i must bear. i think it is the mantle that i have to bear, which one element is to suffer pain, for the sake of others.


"God doesn't allow things / ask you to do things that are beyond your capability" - Really?
Help my unbelief - really, help my unbelief at this point of time, not just that promise but all of them.

Status: All systems operational shields 100% hull 100% maintaining location in deep space lonely quadrant - keep channels open for distress signals.

oh yeah, fired off two encouragement messages. One to mkb and the other to mw. Mkb found it sweet. I hoped that it boosted her self-esteem which in turn cheered her up.
If there was a reply from mw, i think that would be an indication to purchase a lottery ticket - oh the bitter irony.

yakusoku (promise)

aunt went to be with the Lord on the 16th. Not being a mean ass to rejoice in someone's demise, but clearly the grace of God was evident enough in her life. Despite being terminally ill with stage four cancer, all she had was a discomfort in her abdomen, and she was shielded from the severity of the disease. Cause of death, probably cardiac arrest.

It does make me wonder, this mantle that i bear - would it also lead to the same destination?

"You honored God so much, He would honor you back"
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God ... "
"You cannot shortchange God"

we hear them so often - but honestly at this point of time i don't really know what to believe. It almost feels like i am faithless and hopeless. Well the hope that i have may be like aunt's case - where the evident of God's promises is during my 11th hour. For the greater part of life, continue to be subject to the hounding of Walkabout and her escorts.

It feels like i am cornered and i have absolutely no choice at all. i can't self-destruct. That will be taking a life that doesn't belong to me. Can't be a jerk and asshole (as they always attract women) because i'm programmed to be mr.help-everyone-and-watch-them-finish. i can't just take anyone out of desperation - or resort to flings, because i'm programmed to treat their hearts more precious than my own.

So what am i supposed to do? Endure? Endure how much and how long? The reason i was given a second chance was to suffer indefinitely? If i really did knew that i would have to bear this mantle - and would be wired this way i would have second thoughts about accepting the second chance. Is life worth living to subject to be tortured emotionally and mentally daily? Even to the point that friend's celebrations are increasingly difficult to be joyous for?

More and more people are getting married. nc's going to register next year - plans to. i am really glad for him. He deserves this after all the difficulties he went through, all the rejection and betrayal. Most certainly deserve this - least something is working out for him.

Get reminded at KidsCAT again to serve Him and serve Him only - but to what extent? To the extend of fulfilling the beatitudes?

Blessed are

• The poor in spirit; theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
• Mourners; they will be comforted.
• "Those who are weeping", they will laugh.

Kingdom of Heaven. If i am reading this right that means, it will come to pass when i've passed. Comforted and Laugh? Not happening at all. There is a walkabout void and a project mw void that cannot be filled - and how am i supposed to be comforted? What comfort is that? "Even salt has lost it's taste" according to Bola1, not to mention the influx of loot whores and extremely emotionally unstable people. O yea i am emotional as well, but as far as in game is concerned, it's strictly business.





Seems like the only girls that aren't repelled by my putridity are those from KidsCAT. Might as well label me as a pedophile while we are at it. Bless them for not looking at the exterior and opening up sincerely. Someday I'll be there to push them to the finish line too - alone again.







Despite trying to occupy myself, these past few days - which was somewhat successful, i still miss you mw. i hope your holidays are way way way more better than my uneventful days and my constant torment. i really do hope so - not that you have pity on me. me thinks you already forgotten whom i am, but more so that you can rest well and be restored from the toll of work and circumstances.

Blessed ... are ... you ...

(am i missing something here? cause i sure don't experience or see anything at all)

baby just yes

strange midnight conversation that happened. Much as i'd like the lyrics to come true - but it only stops at:

"I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think"

cold truth hurts

speshul day?

special day? nah, no special than any other ordinary day. It'll be special alright if Legend comes true.
Started the day off with a wish from mkb, now that was a pleasant surprise. She wasn't even supposed to know! How facebook published it for a brief moment is beyond me.

It started the ball rolling and we chatted - which again was more than pleasant. More than pleasant because i made her laugh, despite all that has happened and all that is happening, she smiled and lol-ed, and that alone is worth a "mission accomplished" status - to be able to cheer up someone.

if only - wouldn't it?

jeff was kind enough to buy lunch today, no presents for guessing why. This is the side that most people see and attribute to, but when it comes to working - totally new personality emerges.
project mw is off to hongkee land. Real funny status update "... come into my room and eat my food only" rofl. Sad and true as it may be, but the hilarity of it stands. Poor girl - having to work under such a person. i sincerely hope that the holiday will do her good despite having to bring her work along.

*sigh* i really miss her. i know i'm not supposed to, come on there is nothing and what more she knows everything. Yet that doesn't change the fact that i do miss her. i miss her smile. i miss seeing her eager to come over to the filing room during training breaks, even if it were to spend 10 minutes there. i miss the linking of arms, even if it was all but 5seconds of it. i miss holding her hand, even if it was a 'lame' excuse to help her cross the road. i miss the lunch hours.

i miss you mw

The blow to the nuts is that it's passed Aunty Kum's birthday, and the thought didn't come to pass. With it, the others die as well as they are inter-related. Why? Naze? Same age old question i asked four months ago - why?

Things seemingly fell into place - and then fell some more to 'out of place'. It would have been such a powerful testimony, story, a fairytale. Wouldn't it be a wonderful story, meeting at the place of work and then not long after being together, responding to the grins of colleagues because they knew.
What a powerful testimony of a test of faith, dreams and thoughts - that God orchestrated, Abraham's test - reprised in this modern day and age, to encourage other youths to be steadfast.
A powerful testimony for others to put their faith in God, and indeed their deepest heart's desire will come to pass.

We have so much in common, from the stuff we experienced during childhood - Thundercats, Heathcliff, Kakitos and Vitagen, to extreme polar opposites, a person of class and finese and another who has no clue in fashion and form. English Ed and Chinese Ed, i could go on but i won't. they will fall again if i do, i'm sorry but it is too painful to continue.

A Disney story - Beauty & The Beast

But that's what it is now isn't it? A fairytale - happy stories that kids hear before they sleep - all feel good words that makes people momentarily happy, operative word: momentarily which leads us back to The Legend.

Cliche as it may sound

If you only knew how much that i miss you, given that the fact i've told you that i repressed everything for your sake.

If you only knew as to how far i went and will go, for your overall well-being, to see you smile genuinely - not the tough girl facade you put up for others

If only you knew how i bleed when i see you struggle with life's challenges, wanting to shoulder everything on your own

If you only knew what i am willing and will be willing to offer - more than just acts of kindness, more than being a faitful driver ...

... if only

But to hear you somewhat make your decision, to hear the uncertainty and to know that it was done out of obligation and on top of that, to know that one important element that you desire is missing - is there even such a more devastating blow than such?

You made your choice, and i will honor your decision because i honor you. My code binds me as such.
i sincerely wish you happiness and that your decision will bring you what you desire.


... and they fall again, and i hope they will be enough to water the seeds - hopefully