yakusoku (promise)

aunt went to be with the Lord on the 16th. Not being a mean ass to rejoice in someone's demise, but clearly the grace of God was evident enough in her life. Despite being terminally ill with stage four cancer, all she had was a discomfort in her abdomen, and she was shielded from the severity of the disease. Cause of death, probably cardiac arrest.

It does make me wonder, this mantle that i bear - would it also lead to the same destination?

"You honored God so much, He would honor you back"
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God ... "
"You cannot shortchange God"

we hear them so often - but honestly at this point of time i don't really know what to believe. It almost feels like i am faithless and hopeless. Well the hope that i have may be like aunt's case - where the evident of God's promises is during my 11th hour. For the greater part of life, continue to be subject to the hounding of Walkabout and her escorts.

It feels like i am cornered and i have absolutely no choice at all. i can't self-destruct. That will be taking a life that doesn't belong to me. Can't be a jerk and asshole (as they always attract women) because i'm programmed to be mr.help-everyone-and-watch-them-finish. i can't just take anyone out of desperation - or resort to flings, because i'm programmed to treat their hearts more precious than my own.

So what am i supposed to do? Endure? Endure how much and how long? The reason i was given a second chance was to suffer indefinitely? If i really did knew that i would have to bear this mantle - and would be wired this way i would have second thoughts about accepting the second chance. Is life worth living to subject to be tortured emotionally and mentally daily? Even to the point that friend's celebrations are increasingly difficult to be joyous for?

More and more people are getting married. nc's going to register next year - plans to. i am really glad for him. He deserves this after all the difficulties he went through, all the rejection and betrayal. Most certainly deserve this - least something is working out for him.

Get reminded at KidsCAT again to serve Him and serve Him only - but to what extent? To the extend of fulfilling the beatitudes?

Blessed are

• The poor in spirit; theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
• Mourners; they will be comforted.
• "Those who are weeping", they will laugh.

Kingdom of Heaven. If i am reading this right that means, it will come to pass when i've passed. Comforted and Laugh? Not happening at all. There is a walkabout void and a project mw void that cannot be filled - and how am i supposed to be comforted? What comfort is that? "Even salt has lost it's taste" according to Bola1, not to mention the influx of loot whores and extremely emotionally unstable people. O yea i am emotional as well, but as far as in game is concerned, it's strictly business.





Seems like the only girls that aren't repelled by my putridity are those from KidsCAT. Might as well label me as a pedophile while we are at it. Bless them for not looking at the exterior and opening up sincerely. Someday I'll be there to push them to the finish line too - alone again.







Despite trying to occupy myself, these past few days - which was somewhat successful, i still miss you mw. i hope your holidays are way way way more better than my uneventful days and my constant torment. i really do hope so - not that you have pity on me. me thinks you already forgotten whom i am, but more so that you can rest well and be restored from the toll of work and circumstances.

Blessed ... are ... you ...

(am i missing something here? cause i sure don't experience or see anything at all)