culmination

It is evident that The Maker too all the bad stuff that other people don't have and lumped in all in me.

Inability to Succeed
Perpetual Loneliness
Ugliness & Hideousness
Ostracized
Inability to attain Happiness

Things which will be considered a plague or distress to others, all lumped, bundled and dumped here.

weary

Another event where it is emphasized. Always the odd one out, always am and always will be.
Weary of writing the same things over and over.
Weary of seeing the same shattered dreams

Just remove the desire already since it is never going to come to pass due to the culmination of curses.

Weary of everything. Choose optimism you say? Choose life?
What kind of life is this? Life to be daily tormented? It's liken a life of a prisoner at the complete mercy of his sadistic captor. Better death to end it all.

always

Every event as such reinforces the fact that happiness isn't meant for some people. As soon as there is any semblance of progress toward life goals or happiness it gets destroyed to the point of obliteration - going backwards.

Deliver a customized cake and have a memorable day? Movie request denied and now we've lost a friend. Yup, always rains and pours when it does. Unanswered prayers, ever broken dreams, perpetual unmet desires, ugly, and necrotic touch. Necrotic Touch; first writing about it seemed like a figment of imagination.

 Now? Sufficient evidence. Truly everything that I come in contact with starts decaying and dying. As time goes by I discover one after another of these curses. Curses that I was born with which other people do not have.

Necrotic Touch
 Red headed step child
Curse of loneliness

 Dare I ask how long that list will run? Some questions are better left unanswered.

last act of service?

By not writing about it would be dishonouring. Last night's cake delivery was nothing short of memorable. Despite the pricier than normal dinner, every penny was worth it. It was worth it to see her smile and genuinely be happy.

Cake cutting and storing them too was a fun reunion again including catching up with grandma. Every time there is contact with any one family member there just is this sense of joy and happiness - a happiness that I wish that I could really be a part of; long term. Indeed it is an answered prayer, that everything went, above and beyond expectation. I feel demanding though, asking the Maker for more of such events.

 Back then it was a prayer of 'last will', and now that it was granted I come asking for more. At any rate, those memories will be greatly treasured, and yet at the same time still with much hope that things would start moving in a positive direction.

denied

Even after the trip to the hospital, delivering the card and photo frame - things remain the same, she chooses you not. Much time went into design, printing, and then developing and framing the photograph.

Part II is underway even, a 600 quib cake. Irrespective of that all, it is never enough. It is obvious how this is going to end. We're basically back right smack at square one.

The starting point with the same questions:

My desires are worthless and meaningless aren't they? I don't believe I ask for very much, just companionship - not even riches nor fame nor prestige.

Doors were opened, not my doing and it was obvious enough they were divinely orchestrated. Yet now, fully square in the face, slammed shut. Jokes on me again right?
No one else to blame but myself - walked right into that one.

Guess it is too easy and fun to setup for a lonely guy.

dream

Had another dream of her. It was in some camp of some sort where there were different competitive activities. What was strange is that despite being in that 'state' of camp, I still had to go to work for the most part of the day

a father's love

Today marks Easter; a Father's love for His children. It is the same day that I realize I have been bearing witness for about three months now other fathers proudly bringing and observing their daughters in ballet class. The smile and beaming eyes speaks volumes of how they feel whilst observing the class.

The class isn't even complicated; it is pre-ballet and primary level yet these proud fathers think the top of the world of their beloved girls. These past three weeks are have also been decent by pulling in a total of four new ballet students.

Previous administrator's track record isn't even that good. It is probably because I sell my heart to the parents, and being a stage manager reinforces it - the investment value for their daughters. The other upside which is unbeknownst to them is that their daughters will be the center of attraction of guys.

Yet, despite all that from watching other fathers so proud of their daughters, and today acknowledging the The Maker's love, fact is fact. I'll never be one of those fathers whom parade their princess around. I'll forever bear witness to their joy and happiness but never to experience it.

In tandem too, The Makers love transcends to others from answering their prayers and intervening to prevent broken heart via dream ... but not so for me.
Certainly confusing and very much saddening that others are favoured where as I am not even given a chance to prove myself. Despite taking upon self challenges to be a better person, to reach a point (hopefully) that one may just be good enough; to be worthy of one of His daughters - yet the cold blade of reality hits, in spite of everything it is always not good enough.

reading between again

While we are at it, might as well ... Noticed that each time my landing page is refreshed, she'll have a spot in the 'friends section'

********

Despite that, every action or gesture be it big or small seems to widen the rift. There doesn't seem to be anything that I can do to bridge it. This whole thing is just beyond impossible.

One hand holds the many 'signs' (which is so open to debate)
The other hand holds realistically a closed door

Between having hope or self deception. Would someone please tell me which one is it?

helper

Mayhap it was only head knowledge, but during this crunch time of Easter it becomes more evident that each of us could very well use a helper. Much a buzz about different responsibilities ranging from daily work to easter to ACTS inclusive of side projects for Shahrin and project C.

I find most days I leave the house at 0745 and arrive back near 2300. It is only because of Patriach and Matriach that off and on I have meals taken care of.
On top of that even science proves that we are not creatures of solitude. One can say companionship is mandatory, if not in the form of another human, a substitute pet works the same.

Still ... the trek in this desert of loneliness hath no end.

reading between the lines

If we're going to interpret things, might as well go all the way? The thing is that this may (most likely given the track record) end up in self-hurt.

Yet the notion is nice. It appeared that she wanted to talk on Saturday but I was occupied with another. Least I would like to believe that.

Had a dream of her calling on phone too, one of the best dreams ever!

might as well

If we were already documenting the so called signs, as ludicrous as they are, might as well document everything. If anything were to come out of this, it would be again the biggest joke on yours truly. Recent morning watch had a prayer request-something that was impossible in nature

So happen that Skum was my partner and he prayed that this year there would be something that would happen which would lean toward that direction. It is a good enough prayer I suppose, not too direct (as to lead to disappointment)

Secondly was a random thought of the year, 2012. She'll be 20 years and 12 represents the year gap.

Thirdly, received a book of DSeah. Very unusual book. Apparently he remembered. Haven't gotten round to reading it yet. As we near her birthday, I pray and hope that whatever ideas that has been conceived will manage to be materialized. Pray that the Maker grant me insight and ability to materialize them. Very much want this birthday to be one of the unforgettable ones.

anniversary

So, some people celebrate 40th anniversary and 25th anniversary. Guess what, how about 0 anniversary?

The only anniversary one can celebrate is the 20. 20 years of loneliness and rejection - yay

rainbow

Through a snippet of e-mail, learning that she was sung "Somewhere over the rainbow" as a toddler brings a sad yet whimsical smile.
To be able to be close and perhaps hum the tune to her, certainly seems something over the rainbow ... where dreams come true

of depression

The long silence is evidence of the depression period one went through. It wouldn't be half as bad if it was a period of happiness so much so that writing here became obsolete, the need for cathartic exercises. Unfortunately since the whole February incident, things went downhill and right this moment changes happened that left a tinge of regret.

No longer are there late night chats or laughter. It is as both parties were reset back to strangers again, 'cept with the occasional cordial greeting.

There was only one incident where she initiated conversation briefly mentioning that we've not spoken for a bit, but even that conversation was cut short due to fatigue after a long day. Beggars can't be choosers? They say to live life without regrets. The say that if you do admire or like someone, express it. Yet with every action always comes a risk, a risk or result of the risk that I have all too often experience. The reward? Most probably not for me. 'Tis always for everyone else.

Yeah, my actions caused a change - a change that deemed for the worse. Despite still being on talking terms (very seldom) can't really say whether there was regret or not. Should I die this instant, there wouldn't be regret of doing what I did, the regret would be perhaps (again as it has been) on unrealized dreams / unmet desires.

Not as intense as previously but still lingering thoughts that death are still welcomed - least it'll end the hurt and loneliness.

So there won't be a my Isaac after all. It was all a fallacy, make believe and lie. As a matter of fact there won't be any outing. It'll be on my own again, alone - as always

More disappointment. You promised that we were supposed to rise up. That's what You wrote - especially no wild goose chases. But here am I, being the butt of jokes ... again

It's really heart sickening to be always like that, a never ending cycle. Certainly not the abundant life that I keep hearing and reading about.