reading between the lines

If we're going to interpret things, might as well go all the way? The thing is that this may (most likely given the track record) end up in self-hurt.

Yet the notion is nice. It appeared that she wanted to talk on Saturday but I was occupied with another. Least I would like to believe that.

Had a dream of her calling on phone too, one of the best dreams ever!

might as well

If we were already documenting the so called signs, as ludicrous as they are, might as well document everything. If anything were to come out of this, it would be again the biggest joke on yours truly. Recent morning watch had a prayer request-something that was impossible in nature

So happen that Skum was my partner and he prayed that this year there would be something that would happen which would lean toward that direction. It is a good enough prayer I suppose, not too direct (as to lead to disappointment)

Secondly was a random thought of the year, 2012. She'll be 20 years and 12 represents the year gap.

Thirdly, received a book of DSeah. Very unusual book. Apparently he remembered. Haven't gotten round to reading it yet. As we near her birthday, I pray and hope that whatever ideas that has been conceived will manage to be materialized. Pray that the Maker grant me insight and ability to materialize them. Very much want this birthday to be one of the unforgettable ones.

anniversary

So, some people celebrate 40th anniversary and 25th anniversary. Guess what, how about 0 anniversary?

The only anniversary one can celebrate is the 20. 20 years of loneliness and rejection - yay

rainbow

Through a snippet of e-mail, learning that she was sung "Somewhere over the rainbow" as a toddler brings a sad yet whimsical smile.
To be able to be close and perhaps hum the tune to her, certainly seems something over the rainbow ... where dreams come true

of depression

The long silence is evidence of the depression period one went through. It wouldn't be half as bad if it was a period of happiness so much so that writing here became obsolete, the need for cathartic exercises. Unfortunately since the whole February incident, things went downhill and right this moment changes happened that left a tinge of regret.

No longer are there late night chats or laughter. It is as both parties were reset back to strangers again, 'cept with the occasional cordial greeting.

There was only one incident where she initiated conversation briefly mentioning that we've not spoken for a bit, but even that conversation was cut short due to fatigue after a long day. Beggars can't be choosers? They say to live life without regrets. The say that if you do admire or like someone, express it. Yet with every action always comes a risk, a risk or result of the risk that I have all too often experience. The reward? Most probably not for me. 'Tis always for everyone else.

Yeah, my actions caused a change - a change that deemed for the worse. Despite still being on talking terms (very seldom) can't really say whether there was regret or not. Should I die this instant, there wouldn't be regret of doing what I did, the regret would be perhaps (again as it has been) on unrealized dreams / unmet desires.

Not as intense as previously but still lingering thoughts that death are still welcomed - least it'll end the hurt and loneliness.