Coincidence, not

It isn't coincidence that all the songs on the current playlist is of Planetshakers despite being on random

Recount: Loss

The tracking of the days has been lost. Nearing and following the centerpoint it all has been downhill. As sure as the sun rises, sure enough time and time again reminders will appear; reminders about how futile each situation has been and is. Reminders of what levels of heartache, rejection and ostracization that has and continues to occurr.
How is one supposed to withold against such an onslaught? It is the battle of the mind that one just cannot champion.

***

What's more difficult is the fact that should there be any divine intervention, one has to truly belief and worship truly - both of which cannot exist without the existence of a certain measure of faith. And faith it iself the barrier, to believe the unseen. Certain things are easier to have faith in, but not this situation.

The big question remains. Is He not willing or unable. If he wasn't willing what would make Him willing now?
The more lack of faith there is, the more He will be unable to do any work and it results in an evidenceless situation which then agains perpetuate the entire cycle.

That brings us back to square one- Tantalus.

Recount: Day 16

To give out of need, would constitute to be the best form of giving. Is it easy? Hardly. When one ownself is undergoing loneliness, hearbrokeness ... yet to attend to others certainly is no easy feat. Having said that without intentions of boasting, it is the right thing to do.

Madeline, we're moving to sector B. Destination, Ayaz.
Captain our guns are still offlineSheilds?
Shields are operational on minimal basisGood enough. Dog the turbolasers from Phantom and Overdrive. Move out

Recount: Day 15

Half Time. One can look back and see failures. It was a good record to half time. Today - It's really difficult to look at someone's happiness and to be truly happy for them - to share similar joys and exuberance. It's difficult not so much because of sour grapes, but in reality it is due to deprivation.

I suppose the saying can be applied in this case, ignorance is bliss. If a hungry man doesn't see another eating sumptuously i suppose the hunger pangs will not be as bad. Put him in front of a untouchable feast - that is torture most heinous.

Recount: Day 14

It isn't even half time yet and already there were many incidents where we failed. Topic was about choices - choices and consequences ranging from the simple, to the complex ones. Inevitably the topic about marriage and dating will creep up.Pastor RY does mention about the prayer for his own children. Ideally it would be some one appealing and one whom is also the daughter of The Maker - ideally

Yet i cannot help but wonder, do they know? Do they really know what it is like to suffer as Tantalus did? Not for one two years, not even five nor ten but for nearly two decades?

The whole purpose of this Recount was to monitor Phantom and to counter it when it shows up.  Having said that almost on a daily basis - at least weekly, there will be reminders. If it isn't weddings, and pictures it will be topics of discussion or questions.Inevitably again, it will force Overdrive out and both Phantom and Overdrive will eventually crumble everything.

If there were answers perhaps it wouldn't be as painful as it is. Again all the questions just hover in the air - unanswered.

Why do i have it tougher?
Why is it that people find me so repulsive?
Why are there so much more pre-requisites that is required of me?
Why the deprivation?

I really wonder what really goes on? Does The Maker silently watch each time the waves of heartache from unrequitedness wash over so much so that there is manifestation of physical pain?
Does He delight in that? or indifferent?

What happens when one longingly looks and sees the joy and happiness others enjoy fully knowing that it will be the wolf and the moon scenario.Irrespective; it will be back to square one. No answers but only lingering pain accompanied by the faithful loneliness.

"Loneliness is just a feeling that can be overcomed like any other feeling" is the regular saying.
Fuck off is the reply. You have absolutely no idea what levels of deprivation some people have.

Yup, frigate's all but destroyed again. Another lost battle.

Recount: Day 11

In the cold space, after some hours of repair a lone frigate sparks to life again.

Time One to Zero. We're done here.
Affirm. Let's jet

***

Captain are you conscious?
Ugh .. i guess so. What happened
We took a serious hit from Phantom a few days backHow long was i out this time
shorter than previous blackouts, but almost 24 hoursGive me a status report
Running on minimal generators. Life support online, Shields off, Batteries off, Hull capacity 54%.Try and work that shields up Madeline
Roger that Captain.
Captain, Phantom just hyperspaced in. She's bearing for bombardment. Warhead bays are charging up and bay doors are openingGreat, we have neither batteries nor shields up

***

Not entirely strange when a topic of conversation drifts to marriage and relationships and one sentence is thrown - one sentence that potentially triggers a landslide of repressed memories.
"Are you seeing anyone?"

Bring the rain

Recount: Day 10b

Time one this is Time Zero what is your location
Heading toward frigate. She looks really beaten up
I'll rendezvous with you at the stern. We'll start repairs from the engines and generators to power the her up
Roger that Time Zero. What did this?
It's the ISD Overdrive and Phantom
Poor SOB

Recount Day:10

Skipped days. They were uneventful for the most part. The same pattern remains - Overdrive's attacks are relentless. If it isn't negativty more often than not it will always be a plethora of what-ifs.

High Warlord has left. One can only wish the best both in studies and exposure. It is here more and more the line between false hope and hope thins - blurs. Which is which and which should not be clung onto?

Recount: Day 6

Especially today, appeals brought about that dull ache. Too see that many are beautiful yet none are close brings that ache. Fully knowing that this 30 days' reason is to repel such thoughts, but many times they are automatic. So automatic that the thought can't be caught in time.

i suppose the best solace now is to retreat back to WOW - not so much so for achievement's sake, but in the name of busyness.

Recount: Day 5

Overdrive still bombards hard. I guess it would be either Phantom or Overdrive.

It appears that the curse of Tantalus still somewhat lingers. Due to celebration of promotion, there was again a glimpse of what having a companion would be like, the laughter, the closeness and basically the sharing - yet alas it is but a glimpse.

Recount: Day 4

Madeline how are we holding up?
Overdrive is moving to our starboard in attempt to gain a better angle. Phantom is still returning fire. Shields are down to 8% all systems operational.What about Phantom's status?
Phantom's shields are down to 97%At least there is a little progress!
Overdrive is all systems go

CaptainYes madeline?
Overdrive is preparing it's warhead launchers. The bays are opening.Move to face Overdrive with our starboard turbo lasers. We'll have to gun down the warheads.
Manual or Automatic fire CaptainAutomatic. I trust you fully
***
For the most part only Overdrive's bombardment are the heaviest. Even though they may appear harmless but given more room, it will lead to more dispair thoughts. Got to be mindful of that.
Call it resourcefulness from one point and call it stalker from another. Stumbled upon High Warlord's elder brother. In total there are three of them. Won't say more, save that it was more insight.
To have the mindset that "It's dead / Nothing" - That's what we're fighting against. Despite evidence, despite circumstance ... gotta wrestle with Phantom. Although i may write this, i cannot stop but wonder, am i again setting myself up?

Recount: Day 3

For the most part things remain okay. Despite seeing others, (for now) the negativity doesn't seep in as how it used to. Perhaps it could be due to the conscious halting of the thoughts.

Highlight of the day - the Malorne waitress. Another "Girl from McDonalds" incident. After so many years one would have thought there would be enough courage to venture forth.
Perhaps growth period is just very much longer in this case.

Phantom has requested assistance from Overdrive. It's been hectic. Very hectic.

Recount: Day 2

Pretty much uneventlful, in itself is a blessing. Holding ground trading fire

Recount: Day 1

Madeline, give me a status update on the frigate.
Shields are down to 20%, all critical systems operational. We’ve sustained damage to docking bays, sick bays and air tanks 1 and 3 have been shut down. Hull condition is moderate at 49% Engines operational including hyperdrive.
Last night’s bombardment hit us hard eh?
Indeed captain
It happens Madeline, it happens. Initiate repairs and get ready for ship to ship battle.
What are we up against captain?
One called “Phantom”. She’ll be one of the toughest opponents we’ll have, alongside with Walkabout. She’ll be an exact replicate of this frigate, but with more firepower and shields.

Recount. It is something that we’ll try and carry out for 30 days, 15 at a time. It’s true that many times the most difficult battles to champion are that which we wage in our minds. As with the utility of the mod recount, for the next thirty days the wrestling of the mind will be recorded, not so much so for bragging purposes, but in attempt to maintain the right path.

***

Recount:

Noon time spotted more than a few interesting people. One particular one was gifted with legs. Instinctively thoughts drifted to High Warlord. Most likely due to the college photograph. I do my best not to drift there. It really appears a dead end, though ds differs (slightly). He says try and not be satisfied with status quo. I’ve tried to ‘move on’ in the sense moving on by not dwelling – but not being very successful.

Each time I spot any 'appeals' rather than gripe, I believe the right thing to do is to thank The Maker for the creation is a reflection of the beauty of The Maker. Appreciate the artist, not so much so the art.


Captain, it’s here.
Give me manual control for our turbo lasers. Rotate our bow 33 degrees from her stern. Draw 5% remainder shields from other sections and redirect to forward shields.
They’ve opened fire captain.
That’s fine, 20% shields with re-routed powers will hold. Once rotation is done, I’ll return fire.

***

And so the battle begins, Day 1 battle against myself. More people getting married. Definitely no surprises there. Choose happiness over grief, positive over negative. After all The Maker said He’ll look out for everyone, and that He doesn’t forget. Someday – Walkabout will be only a story to tell, looking forward to it.