last act of service?

By not writing about it would be dishonouring. Last night's cake delivery was nothing short of memorable. Despite the pricier than normal dinner, every penny was worth it. It was worth it to see her smile and genuinely be happy.

Cake cutting and storing them too was a fun reunion again including catching up with grandma. Every time there is contact with any one family member there just is this sense of joy and happiness - a happiness that I wish that I could really be a part of; long term. Indeed it is an answered prayer, that everything went, above and beyond expectation. I feel demanding though, asking the Maker for more of such events.

 Back then it was a prayer of 'last will', and now that it was granted I come asking for more. At any rate, those memories will be greatly treasured, and yet at the same time still with much hope that things would start moving in a positive direction.

denied

Even after the trip to the hospital, delivering the card and photo frame - things remain the same, she chooses you not. Much time went into design, printing, and then developing and framing the photograph.

Part II is underway even, a 600 quib cake. Irrespective of that all, it is never enough. It is obvious how this is going to end. We're basically back right smack at square one.

The starting point with the same questions:

My desires are worthless and meaningless aren't they? I don't believe I ask for very much, just companionship - not even riches nor fame nor prestige.

Doors were opened, not my doing and it was obvious enough they were divinely orchestrated. Yet now, fully square in the face, slammed shut. Jokes on me again right?
No one else to blame but myself - walked right into that one.

Guess it is too easy and fun to setup for a lonely guy.

dream

Had another dream of her. It was in some camp of some sort where there were different competitive activities. What was strange is that despite being in that 'state' of camp, I still had to go to work for the most part of the day

a father's love

Today marks Easter; a Father's love for His children. It is the same day that I realize I have been bearing witness for about three months now other fathers proudly bringing and observing their daughters in ballet class. The smile and beaming eyes speaks volumes of how they feel whilst observing the class.

The class isn't even complicated; it is pre-ballet and primary level yet these proud fathers think the top of the world of their beloved girls. These past three weeks are have also been decent by pulling in a total of four new ballet students.

Previous administrator's track record isn't even that good. It is probably because I sell my heart to the parents, and being a stage manager reinforces it - the investment value for their daughters. The other upside which is unbeknownst to them is that their daughters will be the center of attraction of guys.

Yet, despite all that from watching other fathers so proud of their daughters, and today acknowledging the The Maker's love, fact is fact. I'll never be one of those fathers whom parade their princess around. I'll forever bear witness to their joy and happiness but never to experience it.

In tandem too, The Makers love transcends to others from answering their prayers and intervening to prevent broken heart via dream ... but not so for me.
Certainly confusing and very much saddening that others are favoured where as I am not even given a chance to prove myself. Despite taking upon self challenges to be a better person, to reach a point (hopefully) that one may just be good enough; to be worthy of one of His daughters - yet the cold blade of reality hits, in spite of everything it is always not good enough.

reading between again

While we are at it, might as well ... Noticed that each time my landing page is refreshed, she'll have a spot in the 'friends section'

********

Despite that, every action or gesture be it big or small seems to widen the rift. There doesn't seem to be anything that I can do to bridge it. This whole thing is just beyond impossible.

One hand holds the many 'signs' (which is so open to debate)
The other hand holds realistically a closed door

Between having hope or self deception. Would someone please tell me which one is it?

helper

Mayhap it was only head knowledge, but during this crunch time of Easter it becomes more evident that each of us could very well use a helper. Much a buzz about different responsibilities ranging from daily work to easter to ACTS inclusive of side projects for Shahrin and project C.

I find most days I leave the house at 0745 and arrive back near 2300. It is only because of Patriach and Matriach that off and on I have meals taken care of.
On top of that even science proves that we are not creatures of solitude. One can say companionship is mandatory, if not in the form of another human, a substitute pet works the same.

Still ... the trek in this desert of loneliness hath no end.