fall

so afraid of falling - falling in the same manner, same position, same reason, same everything. One can say many thoughts and action lean toward self-preservation, to not want to hurt in that manner again. Granted that this whole idea of relationship is of course being vulnerable - but that's phase two when two unique individuals discover mutual interest.

We've never taken off, never left docking bay, never even had clearance to lift off - how can we worry about flying?

fear

amidst the 'signs' and events, fear creeps up again. The reason is simple, right about now, last year the same situation happened albeit without the signs. Could one fault me for being very careful? Maybe
Therein lies the thin line, to be righteous because it is the right thing to do, not righteous so that things will fall into my place

amazed again!

Been delaying this - no reason. Have prayed for some signs, and much to my amazement they came to pass. At time of writing it sounds really awkward because the signs are 'dumb' to say the least. Was basically stating that should a Dragon Punch into FADC Ultra occur, that would be the sign.

Not only did it appear once, but twice. The next day, due to doubt the same request was done again - it appeared. Thirdly I'd thought that it was time to stop testing, yet lo and behold it appeared. History still haunts. It was only last year that a very similar circumstance was on motion and look how it ended - yet this time only one element was different; she was His daughter.

There is much hope, maybe even expectations yet at the same time there is much caution.
 I do not wish to setup for a fall again. It's something gone through once and once is plenty.

Oh, got to mention this, she strikes a resemblance to Yui, who has graced my profile picture for God knows how long.

simple songs

missed posting due to net filter. There are times when one wants something to happen badly that one can perhaps unconsciously see or more aptly interpret events in a certain manner. After the remark by chels, following day (chance?) two songs played back to back, Two Is Better Than One and Fairytale. Make no mistake, if what has been said in the past post comes to pass, truly indeed really it will be a fairytale. Admittedly there is much elation, but in the midst of this feeling last year's sting haunts.

So sure we were that the company event last year would be a pivotal moment - so sure was the false hope backed with feelings. Sadly one has to watch out not to let history repeat itself again, because if it does then it will be another bad story on replay just a different person.

If only ... if only I could just glimpse - perhaps I would be more prepared. Perhaps I would know and perhaps I could avoid many of this dashed hopes and unrequitedness. Can one be blamed for now being really sceptical after what happened last year? Blame all anyone wants, perhaps at this point of time survival instincts kick in - self preservation.

Feelings and hopes aside, even as I ponder on the situation I would dare say that there has been slight growth. Rather than being overly anxious and hopeful (maybe to the point of obsession) now it’s just patient waiting, focusing more on other things; things like self improvement, video skills acquisition, more mini projects and of course during off-peak times to sharpen that Dragon Punch – FADC – Ultra.

Still, despite how over and over again hope destroys this frigate, one will continue to hope. Father please ... please consider-

impossible!

Impossible would describe chels mentioning two names whilst trying to describe another; Christine & Izzy.
Albeit the first one is a somewhat common name but Izzy isn't! Absolutely no one knows about those two names, not even both the Missile Cruisers. This I have kept hidden from everyone - every human

Same old phrase that has been uttered again and again, "Maker, are you trying to tell me something?"
If it is indeed true, once again I am/will be amazed - No, this time totally blown away. For this time it marks the coming of Legend.

amazed

So we did cross the 18th mark. Even though there was no clear cut and concrete turn of evidence but I cannot say that things are the same, they aren't. The Ipoh trip, the wishes, prayers and most importantly friendship has exemplified the lyrics of 'Amazed' by Lincoln Brewster. Each time the song plays, tears freely fall remembering despite of the outwardly (lack of) evidence, the lyrics always rings true.

I write this now in the midst of Madre's video production not so much so to delay my work but to pen down thoughts before I forget them. Too easy when fixated on results one can forget the path that one had traveled and most importantly, who lead on that path and who sustained.

I will admit, the pain lingers, not as much - but it is still there and probably will continue to be there, but I look forward to things in store by the Maker as long as I maintain course and boost all power the shields - keeping our first objective as a priority - "Moving to assist"

nearing 18

Looking back at the previous post, which is about 30 days ago one can say that there certainly has been turn arounds. It is one of the reasons this entire thing was started - to journal. Not everything will be divulged here. Some things will and must be taken to the grave. On to more important things.

Only 30 days ago, the choice was Death. Now? It's Life. Where one can say is it due to emotions and occurrences? Hardly. The situation is still the same. Legend isn't around. Bombardment from the infamous three; Hope, Creativity and Reality still continues.

What is terrible is that the Adored One constantly shifts from person to person. As long as the void remains, 'prospects' will always surface in one way or another. Be ready! Be ready for yet another bout of Tantatlus' Torture. High Warlord's gone. That bout is over. Now comes others to fill that position. Different person, same effect and same results.

They'll be more shattering/breaking and tears ...

But at the end of it all, this time the choice is Life, simply because there are just a few more things to do before expiring. But yeah, we are nearing 18 years of deprivation.