rain

morning rains aren't exactly the best way to start the day. Talking about rain, it has been raining on everyone's parade this year, these months. From mkb, to mw, even nc, Matriach, Adra and the list goes on.
Today itself, we are en route to pneoxian. Kindness begets kindness. The gesture may be simple and even mundane, yet i pray and hope beyond the gesture, in it's very own special way encouragement will come and rest.

Things were not well with project mkb as well - Fall out happened instead. She decided to go back to him, yet in doing so fully knowing the consequences she doesn't know why. I don't think we will be on very much talking terms after what happened. Tis my folly to have enraged her unintentionally - it was my folly.

walk in her room in the morning only to see mw wiping tears off. At this point of time, i can only pray again for divine intervention - intervention that things would start to look good, intervention that i could be some form of  help even a tiny bit of help, and intervetion that she would not want to shoulder everything by herself.

Frigate moving out to two locations

salt to wounds

today marks the second day lk accompanies her after class to the office. Wonder why - but i'd rather not. As much as i greet him, smile at him, it still burns. Oh yes i recall my words months ago, that if indeed it is her choice, respect it i must.

yet it doesn't stop the bleeding now does it?



no it does not. Not one bit

3 days to Doomsday and counting.

taiyo no uta

time and time again those thoughts arrive. The thing is that it isn't know whether they are just pleasant thoughts or are they indeed some indication of the future.
Thoughts of testimony and encouragement for the future generation, of how this whole escapade started, took place and ended. Indeed there is a greater good, but admittingly too there is some personal element in it - for who can fault? Personal elements or desires are really how we are wired. Reduce as much as possible, but it is there one way or another - whether immediate or eternal.

But for now keep doing what you have been doing until said otherwise, despite the impending doomsday (Monday 1st November tentatively)
The very thought of her leaving for good, chills the bone.
The idea of losing contact forever, paralyzes me.

Despite that, despite all that, continue to crawl forward. My faith has all but faded. At this point of time, it seems that it is now less than a mustard seed (if that's possible) and supposedly that should suffice.
Perseverance, if not for yourself - for others.

All that would be left, will be pockets of fond memories or small incidents or words here and there, quite possibly treasured for all eternity - the filing room, the night watch, the sms-es, the driving, the few dinners, the road crossing, the rain walk, the few phone conversations - just to name a few.

When that day comes, we will sing The song of the Sun - Taiyo No Uta.

Good Bye Days.

Will we meet again? i pray we do - but the future is not mine to claim nor dictate, much to my despair.

all i see is darkness

"Father, all i see is darkness"

as Arthas utters those words, so much more meaning encompasses that sentence.

indeed it is an accomplishment seeing the fall of the lich king (which is usually abbreviated as lk) and in this case, going along the path of daydreams, it does signify something. It is a pleasant though of setting something in motion in a realm of the living, but then again as with every other one, they are far fetched thoughts. Despite consciously reminding myself of the real situation, it really can't be help. These feelings often creep up. The burn of unrequited affection, the knowledge of the decision i made - constantly plagues me.

no coincident that Arthas' words are also mine. All i see is darkness. There has been no progress whatsoever in anything, no signs, no hints, no inclination, no direction. As a matter of fact there is regression, more fall outs with friends to name one. Coming again to the point of turning away, this time it felt very very close.

the weight of discouragement, betrayal, the disappointment and frustration of unmet dreams / desires was greater than what i could bear.

Again it took the little ones to steer me back to the right path. My prayers go out with Eliza, Chelsea and Alex - yet in the ignorance of what went on, is going on, their demeanour and faith was enough. I pray that they will have their needs met and above that, blessings too for their own personal desires and wants. What they have done or prevented, is unknown to them. Yet even though i no longer can persevere for myself given current situation - persevere for them, so that they will not stumble.

amazing love

i'm forgiven, you were forsaken
i'm accepted, you were condemned
i'm alive and well, you're spirit is within me
because you died and rose again.

bear this cross for them.

even though

even though,
even though they turn around and ignore you,
even though those that you easily trust falsely accuse you,
even though those that you gave to disregard you,
and even though those that you love, do not return love to you,

you will continue to give and support.

No indifference in behavior - because His heart, beats within you.

again

once again, forsaken, condemned for things not done and rejected.

a dog and a plant

willow. Tender enough in the wind, yet resilient when need be for the right purposes.

Golden retriever. That's the name that has been given. Sheep dog & Golden retriever.

"Your work is not done yet" - darkstar

confusion

there is much confusion, confusion between discerning vision and dream. Difficult to discern between what may come to pass, or just a figment of imagination. Choice? Of course would like to see them come to pass, be it small or big - all of them.

Then again it is always a personal desire. Difficult it is to live selflessly. Even more difficult it is to spur another whom is classified as competition. The entire scenario looks bleak.

One way
No appreciation
No repercussion
No hope
No options
Not a chance is hell

But again, isn't it situations where it is neigh impossible is best for Him to work? But then again, it is a personal desire ...

Despite all that has been said, thought and goes on - for some reason shields are up (for now)
Our escort time again is nearly up - just as with 2 weeks ago, our need to be around is nearly up.

Status: Shields 70%, Maintain position until end of escort duty.

lunacy

Definitely short circuit somewhere. Each night escorting mw to lk. You see them go off, and walk alone back. - yet you are happy.

Yup, you're completely bonkers (and that's being linient)

again

an outing, colleagues, shared quarters & parents

forsaken

Ops Night Owl enforced until lk shows up. As usual, stay around until your usefulness is up and then discarded away.

When Patriach and Matriach themselves do not understand you, you know you've hit absolute rock bottom - yet this is the mantle you have to carry.


for what ... ?   for them


despite rejection, forsaken, forgotten and betrayal - still you have to bear it, for them

operation night owl

Status: Operation Night Owl - 5 days, underway. Remaining in quardrant until called. Shields 29%

matriach

matriach summons Sheepdog. It is always during times like these cruisers, though age old - hold tremendous ancient yet effective technology come into play. They mostly work in the background refusing the limelight.

Such humbleness and faithfullness

call of the crusade

well it isn't so much so a crusade, but the call of a sheepdog. One tends to wonder, is the result of being a sheepdog or the expectation of being a sheepdog, is one of solitude and lonliness?

This is because when the time comes, dire circumstances require dire measures; the sheepdog will undoubtly perform the greatest act for a friend:

John 15:13 "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends"

In doing so, the sheepdog will no longer be around - and therefore logically speaking his/her solitude life will make it easier would it not?

No ties, no holds barred, no regrets, no remorse and of course no one will miss them.

sheepdog mantle

It is times like that one asks why? why do i carry this sheepdog mantle? why carry it when the very people we protect, and serve turn around and bite us. We don't seek gratitude or recognition because in doing so renders the act insincere - yet we are still human.
To add salt to the wound, you sheep turn around and bite us, even to the extend of betrayal.


Why? why am i programmed this way? is it so that i will continuously experience betrayal, ingratitude, dash-hopes, let downs and unrequited-ness?
If so, what kind of quality life is this?

The list keeps on going - bearer of the sheepdog mantle:
Suffers (all of the aforementioned experiences)
Doesn't finish


Great - now we know where we stand exactly

friends

sometimes we want our friends to be themselves, show their true nature - but there are times also when this wish comes to pass, the results are not really desired results. Today i truly know who the real friends are.

friends don't invite you to a function to a new locality and don't make sure you get there.
friends don't leave your calls go unanswered after exhausting all efforts trying to get to the location
friends whom really want your presence to the event, will just put a little more effort to ensure that you reach there

Apparently asking for land marks to ensure correct bearing was fucking too much to ask - like asking for the firstborn child.
Calling up people also was too fucking much to ask - why carry a damn phone then? so that you can play games and download / showoff more applications?

If you're not going to bother ensuring your guests arrive, put a fucking disclaimer that reads:
"Those whom are unfamiliar on how to go, you're not invited because we will be too busy to give directions or answer your calls. Better not to inconvenience us"

Saves everyone a lot of trouble now doesn't it?

where is waldo

"where is sheepdog"? - her parent
"at work" -mw

"They asked where you were cause suddenly you appeared and now you're gone"


Of course i am gone. When assistance is no longer needed or when a certain someone is back in the picture - sheepdog is no longer required and hence we go back into standby mode, in the shadows.

Still it felt decent to be remembered, despite the very very short encounter. i pray & hope i left good footprints.

name

Finally - we have a name. Medical Frigate - Sheepdog

bound by word

Again history repeats itself. Bound by words - i am unable to act. As much as i wanted to intervene, to fight her battle for her and to make a change; clearance wasn't granted.

Just like months ago, to refrain self from going more than required, now bound by honor and word - i gladly put on the shackles to not do anything about it.

Only she can release this shackle - if she so chooses to.

nine fifty seven

0957 "i'm leaving"  -mw

Merciful Father of Creation, Hallowed Lamb of God, Alpha & Omega: grant me now wisdom & favor to intervene and speak that which You want me to speak.

wisdom

Here i am send me; and i ask for wisdom - not that i may boast or appear intelligent, but that i may say the right things, at the right time and do the right thing so that Your name be glorified.

Madeline, maintain orbit with project  mw. Operation Last Supper underway

unrequited

unrequited - one of the many loathed words by many. In the cold silence, thoughts tend to drift back to this topic. Not that i do not have work to do - but most of it is done for the day and currently waiting responses.
decided to plug that word in dictionary.com to see what would be the result.

Stumbled upon this quote:

"It is thought a disgrace to love unrequited. But the great will see that true love cannot be unrequited. True love transcends the unworthy object, and dwells and broods on the eternal, and when the poor interposed mask crumbles, it is not sad, but feels rid of so much earth, and feels its independency the surer"

As much as i or anyone whom is in this position would like to believe that statement as a fact - but the cold truth stings and brings us back to reality. As nc puts it, "in real life situation, it is still highly subjected to the human free will"

The beloved is a choice to reciprocate or to continue not to (or totally oblivious to the fact of it)

Wiki says this: "In terms of the feelings of the hopeful one, it could be said that they undergo about the same amount of pain as does someone who is going through the breakup of a romantic relationship without ever having had the benefit of being in that relationship."

so you don't actually have to get into a relationship to understand the severity of a break up - yet both have one common denominator, broken hearts lol.

Reading around too resust in stumbling upon "If you don't let go, you won't be able to move forward"Yet therein lies the conflict doesn't it? Apply hope? or do not apply hope?

Flipping through the pages of history, past events though many of the same nature were not as intense as this. What made this so intense? What made it so very difficult to move on? Was it the dreams? Was it the thoughts? Or as truth may hurt - was it my believing those dreams and thoughts to be real? Where did i go wrong?

Again, many questions and no answers.

skum

Sent a message to skum yesterday. Didn't really expect him to answer because the content of the message was rather deep. He said he would ponder and response. Kind of feel guilty too burdening others with all these. As if others do not have their own burdens to bear.

double dragon

nc too is weary, weary of being on-call all the time to assist. i hoped that my burning out would deter him from going down the path that i went. Refill - refill from the One whom is Love Himself and cling on to Galations 6:9

Father, how do we carry on when ungratefulness is what we receive, when we are forgotten when all is well, when we are a mere first aid kit - taken out only when hurt is in abundance. As much as we tell ourselves not to expect anything in return - that kindness is done out of sincerity, it - still - hurts, for we are only human


Iron sharpen iron - not in a fighting manner, but in prayer, encouragement and support.


Let us go through this period, together - that someday we will encourage others to hold on, and that despite facing tribulations, our friendship grew stronger.




Madeline, move in to assist cruiser pneoxian.

you / himawari

words

"Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up." Galatians 6:9

Many passages point to one word - perseverance. They all share the same principles:

The stormy season or winter season is only temporal
There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it's not an oncoming locomotive

One does wonder whether when writing this, was Paul high on medication? Yet looking at his track record, shipwrecked, arrested, thorn in the flesh and the list goes on - he still said that he fought the good fight and ran the good race. Comparatively speaking - logically that is, one shouldn't complain.

Yet each day the reminder comes. Weekend is about and though we try to immerse in activities like KidsCAT or by means of escapism to Azeroth, it doesn't hide or do anything to the longing. "Let go" people say. If only letting go was as easy as flipping a switch. It takes time. And i am not sure if it's possible in this scenario due to the unspoken commitments made.

Fast & Pray.

Weekdays or weekends, i am reminded of my commitments. If i stopped them because there are seemingly no remunerations or chance of remunerations, then i will be no different from the other jerks and even lk. Unconditional love pledged - must be shown and followed through. My words cannot be empty like the rest.

despite the seemingly cold treatment received. No more messages, no more anything - faded into the shadows when lk arrived back.

Have no expectations, therefore resulting in less hurt. Just deal with the longing - somehow

yoda

"Control, control. You must learn control" - Yoda

i do not understand why, how or where, but even though with the knowledge of active decision, and current standings, one word describes it - Rindu

Far fetched idea - would "rindu" develop in her in the near future? After what little we went through? 

You can't miss her, you ought not to. It will only cause yourself more grief. We did our part this week, it is time to move on. lk will be back tomorrow. With him in the limelight, m.frigate will once again retreat into the shadows.

That's how it is. Don't set yourself up for more falls.

Hope but don't expect
Keep to the decision
Steadfast in your words
Salvation is the utmost importance not desire

and lastly, Thy will be done & Hallowed be Thy name.



"Keep on tanking. I provide DPS"