cornered

i cannot ask for her
i do not think i deserve her either
there are so much red tape available
i do not want to keep asking, praying in the wrong method
yet the longing grows daily
yet the desire is insatiable
yet off and on grief visits again

i find myself unable to progress. Regression isn't an option either. That world has long behind and must not be delved into again. Yet there is no progress, no iota of indication or whatsoever.
Can't ask why, Can't ask specifically, Have to surrender because others lives are more important yet struggling with the insatiable.

i feel like a caged animal going into a frenzy. can't go front, nor back nor side.
Locked down.

elate

Despite the mundane daily routine, the lack of interesting events or turnabout / life-changing events, feelings of elation off and on bubble up. Mentioned that it mostly comes when there is knowledge of her liking certain comments and/or replying.
Always remembered about the prayer request - yet am i shooting myself in the foot in trying to forget her? Or is it some twisted defense mechanism to prevent future hurt? The more i ponder upon it, it would be the latter.
We've already decided to just take the shot. After all "You miss 100% of the shots that you do not take"

Fear is there - won't deny it. After years of rejection, it doesn't lessen the fear, maybe even amplifies it.

Still pretty much at square one. Absolutely no clue regarding how she feels. At the same time battling hard to maintain a positive outlook - don't bull rush and automatically think no.

At any rate the game plan is to maintain status quo: The Maker's business above all else. Whatever dreams or desires that are personal are irrelevant.

High WarLord! General seeks audience - in truth slightly more than audience; companionship

moving on?

in the end, things did work out. Not because of my own doing, but because of the restorative work of The Maker. All credit goes to the maker. Least that is one thing good that happened.

Apart from that things have been rather mundane. We're still under fire from Walkabout. The damage admittedly now isn't as devastating. I suppose one can say the mindset and paradigm shift is working?
But even saying that, thoughts still at times run overdrive.

i can be at ease and nonchalant about things (or pretend to be) but as soon as she appears, you can expect all the soppy feelings and description to flood in. Many times i wonder whether this rush is just going to be like the other rushes. It comes suddenly, stays for a while, creates a gaping ache and then dissipates leaving behind painful memories and unanswered questions

Can i be at fault for thinking "why would this be different?" Have i turned so cynical or should i still become the hopeless romantic, bounding after the rainbow?

Daily. Every day i wish that You would grant me more insight; specific instructions, actions or path to take with regards to all these - even if it meant if i were to fly solo until the day i die, any form of clear indication would really help

But such isn't the way to please The Maker. Faith and Trust is required - Faith ... Believing despite the obvious lack of evidence.

necrotic touch

Not wanting to sound self-pitiful but honestly, there are those whom are cursed with what we call Necrotic Touch whatever i do not only doesn't work out or bear fruit, it backfires / backlash.

Apparently Operation Four Roses backlashed and backlashed bad. The people whom i would have thought would most likely understand the intention did exceptionally well in misinterpreting it. Not only did it cause trouble for the recipients, but looks like it has also severed ties with them. Well done!

The thing is some people complain that the world is a big bad place, where everyone is selfish and cold. When random acts of kindness comes knocking at their door, they bitch about it and slam the door close. Following that they complain again, the world and people out there are horrible.

It is times like that when one asks, "Why bother?" whatever actions done out of good intentions - futile and backlashes ... why bother?

colossus smash

who would have thought? The event was supposed to be a joyous event, a house warming. Yet due to circumstances it was like a nail driven home.

Colossus Smash: "Smashes a target for 150% weapon damage plus 120 and weakens their defenses, allowing your attacks to entirely bypass their armor for 6 sec."

The amount of hurt was indescribable.  Tried hard. Everything that i read, not to focus on oneself, not to wallow in self-pity, to cure others first. I even prayed that i wouldn't think of her so much, to give me room to think of other and meet their needs. After all, i am unworthy of her. Maybe i might write to Chuck, and see where i have gone wrong. For now, tonight they fall again because it is unbearable.
Indeed it is crushing loneliness and the knowledge of unrequited affection


Yet remember, we don't ask why anymore. No more expecting or "demanding". No more Santa Claus prayers, no more envy


Just overwhelming feeling - Crushing Blow

it's not you

Despite the freedom, Walkabout's presence does not diminish. Not asking why, not having the mindset of "why not me" "i deserve" doesn't remove the effect of Walkabout

Not much is given on how to deal with it save to cure other's loneliness.
So that is it then, all power to shields - stop focusing on self and roll out

Today marks the first day of Operation Four Roses. We didn't get the send the fifth, perhaps it is too fast and will really mess things up. Four will do for now.

no more

no more asking "why me?"
no more feeling left out
no more feeling any form of entitlement
no more feeling bittersweet
no more "give me"

much has changed and much of it could be attributed to Chuck Gallozi's writings. Indeed i can echo Grom Hellscream's words "i.am.free"

no doubt the crushing loneliness still lurks, but we move on now, more than ever out to aid more people.

Project "Four Roses" is already in motion. Here is to seeing how it works out!
Project "Love In Action" approved!

you don't know

Out of sheer randomness, searching "Why did God make me ugly" revealed several interesting sites. Most of them especially the Christian ones will repeat ad-infinitum the promises and how beauty is only skin deep, but i challenge them. Do they really know what type of agony some of us go through?

Crushing Loneliness as described by darkstar - Crushing Loneliness

For those that had relationships that didn't work out - don't say that you understand - you do not
At least once upon a time someone, somewhere desired you enough to be your partner.

For those whom have too many options or suitors for lack of better word - don't say too that you understand - because there exist and as clear as broad daylight; people that desire you

but for some of us ... it remains ... a dream? even dreams come true (at times) more accurately, a fantasy
You don't really know - so do not go around and say "Cheer up" "It's OK" "In the end it will work out" and the whole hoohah.


you do not know