home

For the most part, you may put on a facade and pretend that things are great, but days such as this it is neigh impossible. How do you attend to others' needs when your own are unmet?
How do you heal others when you yourself are broken. Continue to expend mana to heal others while constantly taking damage over time ... someday the heals will stop because we would have no more hit points.

I sincerely wish that You would take me home - right this instant. How can anyone expect to continue in this way where constant heart sickness plagues, every hope dashed - replaced with disappointment. How does one continue?

With so much hurt and heartache, I rather not continue. Death's cold embrace ... certainly a welcome to all this.

one

It's a marvel how a tiny gesture from the adored one can mean so much. It doesn't even have to be words, not even in the physical for that matter. One tiny mouse gesture meant so much. Maybe I am reading too much into things - most likely in fact.

But in my defense, after such depths of rejection - almost any form of reciprocation is welcomed.

you said

You said that there were plans to prosper and not plans to destroy.
You said that You watch over Your people
You said that You shun evil and rejoice in righteousness
You said justice and righteousness are the pillars of Your throne
You said that if I looked after your affairs, You would look after mine

You said ... that my deepest heart's desire, You will grant ... You said ...

Amidst all that reflections of late show that there still lingers are strong enough tinge of heart sickness due to the recent loss and also the cumulative results of dashed hopes, broken dreams, and the infamous unrequited affection. I try my best to smile and be genuinely happy daily - for others, and to portray a warm and comfortable aura yet in all honesty, many times if not all times it feels so fake.

My heart of hearts is filled with sickness constantly, and the smiles and laughs are so temporary. I look left, and right seeing everyone; friends, family all doing well - even obtaining their desires and answered prayers.
And then I look at myself.

I stand here, with no other hand to hold when others already started their own / starting families
Qualifications I have none when others gain more and more
Income I have none when others receive increments and bonuses
Broken dreams when others attain theirs and have answered prayers for their desires

How do You want me to continue to carry on. You say that these things ought not be our security or end goals. Not fame, not power, not money, not even companionship.
But was it not You whom put in us; me these desires?

The desire for an adventure
The desire to slay a dragon
and the desire to rescue a beauty

This, you place in me - but yet 18 years and going, this yet You seemingly deny.

blur

Amidst the ruins of broken dreams coupled with great lengths of deprivation, the boundaries between hope and reality blur. What began as hope - a hope for change, for turn around maybe even for a surprise; as the day goes by they wither and die, until there is nothing left but desolace and wasteland.

Every passing year was a hope for change. "Maybe this is the year Legend would show up, and finally!" but then the pain of reality sinks in. Each passing year is lengthens the deprivation period. Each time hope is dashed, each time more dreams shatter, is just reinforces that for some - there are no happy endings, and this one has to accept.

imagine

Who would have thought that a simple diner could turn out rather devastating. 'Twas for a 'bachelor' party but certain things came up resulting in a regular dinner. The good part was that we could accompany pneoxian to the dinner.

Lo and behold, topic of conversation drifts to marriage proposal; how various individual (all present, whom are yet to be married) would plan to propose. It was about when and how. Pretty tame topic one might say unless under certain 'unique' circumstances.

Where everyone is planning phase two or phase three (the phase numbers or stage isn't important) one can only imagine what it is like to even have someone take slight interest. Needles to say, from our part there existed nothing to contribute for that topic.

Who would have thought, how a simple topic could shaer to hard and so deep. As if it was not bad enough to be entirely left out of the conversation (certainly not on purpose by any other parties) but to hammer in the fact again. There never was, not even once.

I'm sorry because I was not strong enough. I'm sorry to disappoint You Maker. This blow was too hard to withstand.
Sorry

song of songs

My readings have brought me past Ecclesiastes to Song of Songs. Indeed it is beautiful to read on how two individuals express their love for each other. All this also reminds of how great The Creator is. If even the wisest man could not fully explain the feeling of love between lovers, what more the love that The Maker has for everyone.

Having said that, one can't help to link back to previous writings of whether one is reading too much into things, or perhaps these are little signs building up toward a crescendo.

reading between the lines

It can be strange or silly (depending on how one looks at things) when certain individuals make statements. On one end these statements appear to be signs or hints, yet on the other hand realism takes the supper hand and more often than not, tend to dismiss them.

A simple statement by one of the kiddos can be so powerful (given the fact that IF it was something from The Maker) I'm at lost really. The only prophetic message that was confirmed via events in the physical was the The Retrenchment. This one? Way too many unknowns. So which will it be? From the FADC to Wei jian's comment, what is it going to be? What wwill you believe?

The answer is always the same, but not easy to accept; Trust. My searches too have yield results not so much so the end goal or desire, but mainly the proper response to everything. Rather than hammer The Maker for personal desires or behave in a contractual believer, one has to still continue to relinquish everything; even Legend if so is His will.

And so we have our chart. Maintain course to two of our massive productions for now, and other aids that may creep up from time to time. Have the bombardment subsided? Certainly not. It has increased actually now coupled with major disappointment. Disappointment at life for being unfair, but not at The Maker.

I just pray and hope that during these solitary times (which are very frequent) as one ponders about all the events, all the shattered dreams and desires, but still willingly continue to hold,on, The Maker will not be angered due to my pondering.

Underneath it all, one day I'll hear those best words any mortal can lay ears on, "Well done thou good and faithful servant" ... until then, it is apprentice and The Master versus the world *fist bump*

shattered dreams

It's difficult to summarize the events of late. For one there was the whole retrenchment incident. Not that I wasn't aware of it, I was. God was gracious enough to impress on my heart that the time in Walton was soon coming to and end. In that sense, there certainly was peace. The flip side however is the fact that it appears rather than progressing, one is taking steps backward.

In order to be a decent head of the home, or even a Provider income has to be generated. Maybe at times we start low but given time (ideally) things should progress toward a higher bracket be in the same company or not. As it stands now, literally everything is shattered.

mw is gone. That has no one to blame but myself. 'Tis my own folly in silly expectations. Following that High Warlord is gone too. It never really even took off to begin with. Direct cold shoulder from the start. Those aside, the same it is with every other person. And now the steps or self-refining activities to become a better person - that as gone too. To put it plainly, as it stands I am no different from a street bum as of now.

Undeniably that You have brought me to a place where You have broken all my dreams all my desires (which from what I have read and understood, are indeed noble which You yourself have instilled in man)
Those not Your daughters, I could at least understand. Those your daughters, I don't.

The disappointment is heart sickening to say the least, yet I have made my decision.

I will not curse Your Name
I will not run away
I will not surrender my commitments to Your house
I will do my very best, to remain faithful

Despite that, it does not remove the brokenness and heart sickness - and the agony of unmet desires which has gone for nearly two decades.

In all this broken dreams and desire, someday I hope, and frankly soon that day will arrive - that I will see how you piece all the glass together to form the stained glass picture which only You can craft. I'd look back and be amazed; hasten that day.

Until then, even without shields and only operating at 79%, I'll hobble along and remain faithful, and by Grace find some way to deal with the brokenness and sickness.