shattered dreams

It's difficult to summarize the events of late. For one there was the whole retrenchment incident. Not that I wasn't aware of it, I was. God was gracious enough to impress on my heart that the time in Walton was soon coming to and end. In that sense, there certainly was peace. The flip side however is the fact that it appears rather than progressing, one is taking steps backward.

In order to be a decent head of the home, or even a Provider income has to be generated. Maybe at times we start low but given time (ideally) things should progress toward a higher bracket be in the same company or not. As it stands now, literally everything is shattered.

mw is gone. That has no one to blame but myself. 'Tis my own folly in silly expectations. Following that High Warlord is gone too. It never really even took off to begin with. Direct cold shoulder from the start. Those aside, the same it is with every other person. And now the steps or self-refining activities to become a better person - that as gone too. To put it plainly, as it stands I am no different from a street bum as of now.

Undeniably that You have brought me to a place where You have broken all my dreams all my desires (which from what I have read and understood, are indeed noble which You yourself have instilled in man)
Those not Your daughters, I could at least understand. Those your daughters, I don't.

The disappointment is heart sickening to say the least, yet I have made my decision.

I will not curse Your Name
I will not run away
I will not surrender my commitments to Your house
I will do my very best, to remain faithful

Despite that, it does not remove the brokenness and heart sickness - and the agony of unmet desires which has gone for nearly two decades.

In all this broken dreams and desire, someday I hope, and frankly soon that day will arrive - that I will see how you piece all the glass together to form the stained glass picture which only You can craft. I'd look back and be amazed; hasten that day.

Until then, even without shields and only operating at 79%, I'll hobble along and remain faithful, and by Grace find some way to deal with the brokenness and sickness.