me, You & high warlord

Today again i stand before You. No facades. No pretense.

i know that for a fact, You will not tell me why, but at the same time You have said that things are for my best. You wrote that it isn't good for me to be alone, yet there isn't a day that goes by where i yearn for that which is elusive / non-existent.

You tell me not to compare, but how do i not do it? Often times it is automatic. i run away from it but daily - daily i am reminded. Reminded where other have succeeded, i have failed miserably. Do i have to atone for my wrong doings? All of them? Even if it was so, having the knowledge would at least be slightly comforting.

Dare i say you brought them across my life? But i really do not want to blame You. It does nothing but place me in bad attitude and selfish motives. At the same time You have said that You're in control and there are times You do orchestrate things, for nothing happens without a reason. In hindsight, when i broke my own heart, that was my own folly, to pursue that who isn't your daughter.

But now - high warlord. Again You choose not to say anything. Everything points against me. Will this whole escapade end like mw ? of course without the slander, but history repeating itself. The agony, the brokenness and tears and i'll find myself back at square one.

i do my best to keep your commands, not because i expect things in return - because You have taught me to. i know for a fact it is the right thing to do, purely out of love and not rituals and obligations. Yet i am only human. Irrespective of how i put it, the human nature does desire some form of gratification. i am unlike Your Son, whom has nothing but Agape. i am merely human.

It does hurt very much hearing others testify, and hearing of their own environment straightening out because You chose to intervene. When i look at my own situation, i only see closed doors and silent walls. Do You care? i have asked countless times. I know you do without a doubt, but still the surrounding evidence points otherwise.

Through Your servant You have said that you do not deprive,  that Isaacs are taken away for Abraham's sake - not to deprive but to bless but would you fault me if i asked "if this was just a placebo?" i do feel like major deprivation. Joy does not surround me, grief does. Happiness doesn't hold my hand, disappointment does. Am i disappointment merely because i expected You to work in a certain way? Maybe i did, or maybe i misinterpreted Your word. If such is the case, please accept my humble apology, because i do not know how else - how else to view this. When i read and hear how others are blessed - blessed with their desires and i look at myself, it breaks me. i am told to not ask for personal desires or expect - yet many others do and receive, it breaks me.

i admit that my past decisions have echoing consequences, and this i have to bear. Would it be too much if You would reach down and correct the past mistakes? i know you can, but would You? i have seen Your hand in restoring the silly mistakes i made - Yet even when i say that, it appears that i am cursed with Necrotic Touch. What i put my hands to, withers and dies but i hear and read others testifying of your abundant blessing.

In closing
i do not feel You close at all, although Your word says You are
i experience partiality, though Your word says You aren't
grief and disappointment rest on my shoulders, when Your word says "Goodness and Love follows me..."
heart brokenness and tears constantly visits me, when Your word says "Abundant life ..."
futile labor are my rewards when Your promises are "pressed down shaken about ..."
crushing loneliness befriends me when even Your first book says "companionship is Your will"

i am weary and distraught, yet i am to put up a front, to portray your goodness, and to carry on being 'normal'
despite the feelings, unrealized desires, perspectives, shattered dreams, and ridicule from men - i still choose to follow You. Many days i look to You and just ask You to mend my heart - because it's the only thing i feel worthy of asking that isn't selfish.

Tonight is no different.

and i still choose You


Job 1:21 "the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD"